After the meal, Julian himself approached Bianca: "Banka dink?"

"Yes, you can drink some more." She lifted him up and took him on her lap. Without a moment's hesitation, she pulled up her shirt and opened her nursing bra. Julian grabbed and drank...

Only at that moment did Bianca realise that there was a man sitting opposite her whom she had only known for such a short time, and who felt so familiar. She looked at him and smiled.

"Would you prefer me to leave for a while?" asked Maurice.

Bianca shook her head: "No way, I just thought, I've only just known you, and it already feels so familiar that I didn't even think about it."

"I'm glad of that, it's a beautiful view, and I don't mean that in an erotic way..."

.

Karel helped Bianca shower Julian, who was terribly tired, and put him to bed.

Before they went downstairs again, Karel stopped her for a moment: "How is it going so far?" he asked in a whisper.

"Emotional everything, but incredibly good. I feel at home with you, and also with your parents. It's all overwhelming!"

Karel smiled and kissed her on her mouth, a caressing kiss.

"Careful," Bianca said, "otherwise I'll get all limp again."

"Just nice..." Karel teased and continued for a while.

Bianca wriggled free, put her hand against his chest.

"Sorry Karel, not now, I'm not that free."

Karel wrapped his arms around her. "Good of you to say so, dear, and sorry I let myself go for a moment. It was meant teasingly, but I flouted your warning, I shouldn't have done that."

And there came the tears again...

"What's going on, sweetheart?"

"You really consider me, you take me seriously... that's what it is..." she sobbed.

"I just didn't, I don't understand you," Karel stammered.

"Okay, you went after your teasing for a while, but at the deepest level you consider me, you take my feelings seriously, and that's so special!"

"That should be normal, but I understand what you mean. I feel sorry for you that people have waltzed all over you like that!"

Karel wiped the tears from her face with his fingers and gave her a quiet kiss. "Are you well enough to go downstairs again?"

"Yeah, your parents can handle it when they see I've been crying," Bianca said bravely, and walked down the stairs ahead of Karel. Downstairs, they discovered an empty kitchen sink. Maurice and Jacqueline had put away the dishes.

"Glad that's a heart thing of yours," laughed Bianca.

Jacqueline burst out laughing. "Well, take me back at my words! But what else, I see knitting here. I assume that is also a creawork of yours?" said Jacqueline questioningly.

"Yes, that's right, I'm knitting a cardigan for Karel. We bought that yarn at the thrift shop this morning. They had just received a huge batch. We hijacked all the bulbs with it! So when the cardigan is done, I can probably knit another jumper or cardigan out of it for Julian."

"It's a beautiful colour... corn blue, bright corn blue... the colour that suits Karel best."

Karel, who had deliberately kept waiting for his mother's response, said, "Well, Bianca, what did I say?"

She laughed: "Jacqueline and I totally agree when it comes to you!"

"Tell," Karel said, "what else do you agree on?"

"Well, just about everything, right?" winked Jacqueline at Bianca.

"Yes exactly, about pretty much everything..."

"You've been here in the house for less than three hours, and already these ladies are two hands in one. Dad, do something about it!" said Karel quasi indignantly.

"I wouldn't know why, boy, this is one of the most beautiful things I've seen today. And I've seen a lot of beautiful things today, overwhelmingly, honestly..."

"All right then," Karel surrendered, "I'll settle for it then." And in a cheerful tone: "Anyone fancy a coffee?"

.

When he returned with full mugs, Maurice nodded towards the women. Bianca was knitting delightfully, and Jacqueline was enjoying Koos' photo book. Karel put the mugs on the table.

Jacqueline looked up, "Karel, this book does something to me. You know Maurice and I love to draw and paint nature, but what this man has done... He shows reality and his fantasy about it both. And that does something to me, it seems to trigger something in me, a longing that I vaguely recognise but haven't yet allowed or something. My drawings are always very true to nature..."

"... very precise, super perfect..." complemented Maurice.

"Yes, that... and then when I see this, I know, that I want this, that I deeply want the freedom to draw my view of nature, even if it wouldn't be completely true to nature, maybe a caricature, or... I don't know how yet, but something in me longs for more freedom."

Silently she browsed on, sucking in the pictures, her desire growing further. Finally, she put the book away. "I have to stop for a while, it's just too intense inside." She grabbed her coffee and sat down with it against the back of the sofa, closing her eyes. Every now and then a stray tear dripped onto her hand.

Bianca looked at Karel questioningly. He raised his thumb, winking with a smile. Bianca looked at Maurice, and saw that he was doing the same. She noticed that she found it awkward, that she would prefer to comfort Jacqueline. She looked at Karel again, and smiled at what he was doing. He made a movement as if he was knitting. She pointed at her knitting and at him, with a questioning look. He put on big, startled eyes, shook no and pointed at her. Oh, did he mean that, that she could just continue knitting. In turn she shook her head and picked up her coffee, holding up her mug for a moment as if in a toasting gesture and carefully taking a sip. She closed her eyes, to taste, not only the coffee, but also what was going through her. It was so much today, but right now there was just the quiet to let it all sink in.

Meanwhile, Maurice picked up the other photo book, of Olivia. He leafed through it quietly, feeling that it did to him what Jacqueline had just expressed. He felt the desire growing to become freer in his painting. Often, alone or with Jackie, he would sit in the dunes. He painted what he saw, just as precise as Jackie drew. He nodded, introspective, then turned his face to Karel and whispered, "What this woman did... that's how I want to paint!"

Karel smiled, and nodded, "Nice dad, let yourself get into it!"

.

With a deep sigh, Jacqueline opened her eyes and grabbed her mobile.

"Karel, I heard such a beautiful cover of a Kelly Clarkson song yesterday, would you like to play it on the big screen?"

Karel connected her mobile to his computer, clicked on the big screen and followed the instruction Jacqueline gave him.

"Because of you, by Kelly Clarkson, a cover by Lena Park," he read. " I don't know anything about that singer's name, but Kelly's song is beautiful. Let's hear what you make of it, Lena!" And with those words, he started the recording.

Bianca watched along, curious about the song, curious about the performance.

.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself ‘cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did

You fell so hard

I’ve learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

.

Because of you

I’ll never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side, so I don’t get hurt

Because of you

I fin dit hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

.

I lose my way

And it’s not too long until you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes

I’m forced to fake a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

My heart can’t possibly break

When it wasn’t even whole to start with

.

Because of you

I’ll never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side, so I don’t get hurt

Because of you

I fin dit hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

.

I watched you die

I heard you cry

Every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have know better

Than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry

In the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

.

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I tried my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don’t know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you

.

.

During the course of the song, Bianca already felt that something was starting to stir inside her. Almost at the end, where Lena screamed out her pain…

.

And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

.

there Bianca broke down, started sobbing. The whole song had already been a song of recognition, overall, the intent. And Lena's cry broke free her pain, and she cried out along with Lena.

Jacqueline, beside her, put her arm behind her on the backrest. She chose not to touch her yet, letting her go through the pain herself first, but she would be there for her as soon as it was necessary and possible.

It took at least a quarter of an hour before the ferocious crying went back to quiet sobbing.

"It's so recognisable," she said between sobs, "so recognisable, overall, the spirit of the song, as if it were my song." She wiped her tears with the tissues Karel, sitting on his crouch in front of her, had given her, vigorously blowing her nose, as if in all the pain and frustration she wanted to give it another kick.

"My parents fixed me like that, taught me to be careful in everything. Nothing was ever allowed to go wrong. To convince me that was right, my mother always shared what had gone wrong in her life. And under the guise that she had my best interests at heart, she enlightened me on all aspects of life, what I should and shouldn't do. Beware of alcohol, drugs, wrong boyfriends, sex outside marriage, wrong music, and so on. Also being careful in traffic, and with what I said and did to other people. I had to be pretty much perfect. And when things went wrong, and my so-called boyfriend forced me to have sex, supposedly as proof of my love for him, when it turned out I was pregnant and my boyfriend wanted nothing to do with it, my parents reproached me. They had warned me so much about not having sex before marriage. And no matter how I explained that I had been forced into it, they didn't believe me. They thought I was partly to blame, I must have provoked it, girls know how to do that. My mother said, that she had been so stupid before too, and that dad had also overwhelmed her then, forced her, saying she had provoked it herself, and that she should give him this if she really loved him. And again she came back to it, saying she had warned me so much about it. In a way, she had been lucky that her boyfriend, my father, did marry her when she turned out to be pregnant. Not that he visibly or palpably loved her, no, but he lived up to his responsibilities. At the time, I didn't realise it, but now through this song, I realised, that all the caution she imposed on me was nothing more than her own pain and frustration that she took out on me. I noticed it when I turned out to be pregnant... it was just expression of their own shit. No one questioned what that rape and the consequences did to me.... And then came the choice, abortion, get adopted or keep the child myself. A tragedy, I chose the most wrong, in their eyes. I was throwing away my life that they had given me! The life they had given me... it had been a sacrifice. And through that song, I suddenly felt how deeply they had always blamed me for being there, for being their daughter, for driving them towards a marriage that had always been fake. As if I could do anything about that....

And now... now I'm scared, as Lena sang, I find it hard to trust myself, my body and who I am, hard to trust others. It went so well today, there were so many beautiful moments with Karel, with you guys, so overwhelmingly good all around. But deep down I don't really dare to let you in, not even you Karel, I'm so sorry. I want to so badly, but I don't know how. I'm afraid for myself, afraid of losing all grip."

.

Karel beckoned to his mother, asked her to step over to his chair on the other side of the coffee table. She understood him immediately; he wanted to sit next to Bianca. And so he did, pulling her onto his lap in one motion and pulling her against him.

"I feel like such a poser," she whispered.

Karel sensed in that remark another injury in which she was taken for a ride. He kissed her, in her hair, next to her eye.

"They taught you that, that if you express your true feelings, then you are a poser. But you're not, you're a broken girl in a grown-up body. And that hurts me... Your pain is my pain, your sadness is my sadness, your frustration is my frustration, your anger, which is still hidden somewhere in an under layer, is my anger. You are a broken girl, my broken girl, and I promise you, I will do whatever comes from my soul to help you heal."

"But Karel, I am afraid of myself, feeling because of that song as if I have fallen apart into even more pieces. I dare not trust myself, I dare not entrust myself to you. Superficial contacts are okay, but how could I give myself to you completely? How could I let you in, really let you in into the mess of who I am?"

"Step by step, darling, and absolutely no faster. Let it come one moment at a time, don't force yourself, in any way. Stop me if somehow I do go too fast for you. You did it just now, upstairs, remember? Do it every time you need to. I'd rather wait years for you than let you down now. Yes, I'd rather wait years for you to blossom open on your own than for me to break you open. You and I, we belong together, riveted together right through all the woundedness."

Bianca lifted her head, which felt leaden, to him and looked at him with swollen, red eyes. "Jacqueline said, the moment I stepped over the threshold of my fear and insecurity, and moved in with you... that soul connection would strengthen my healing, improve..."

Karel nodded. "It's a new thought for me, but it clicks, I feel it's right. But even in that... don't force yourself! From me you can stay here, from now on. There is plenty of room here, even if you want to retreat at times when it would become too intense for you anyway. You're more than welcome, but if you don't dare yet, it's fine too."

Bianca nodded. "Actually, I can feel the difference so well, my parents' marriage, how they are together. And then compared to your parents, or us. Night and day difference! I will definitely think about it, about going to live with you, but I can already say, my soul longs for it, craves it."

Karel pulled her more tightly against him and hugged her in her hair, on her neck and kissed her face. "I love you, I love YOU, my sweet beautiful girl..."

To chapter 84. To Katja and Maureen

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