Bianca was sewing delightfully while Julian was asleep in his cot. She had already finished all the strips of the dance dress. She was working on the strip that would go in the doll's waist. She was threading a double thread through it to spread the fabric across the doll's waist circumference. To be able to put the dress on the doll later without any problems, she would have to put a zip in it at the back. Therefore, she decided not to make the strip round, not to put the ends together, except for a short time to spread the fabric over the correct distance. The thread she did it with would be pulled out later.

She noticed she had made a mistake in her thinking. She had thought, she could just sew the strips together under each other. But that would never get the ruffle effect. She needed a skirt underneath that she could sew the strips amongst themselves. She found that tricky for a while, because how was she supposed to make the skirt? The waist circumference was known, but how wide should the skirt be at the bottom?

She got a bright idea: she would gather the longest strip, which would be at the very bottom of the skirt, in the same way as the one at the waist. If the rippling of both those strips looked about the same, she could thus determine the circumference of the bottom of the skirt.

That seemed like a good idea, but she suddenly realised, there was something else she hadn't thought of. If she attached the strips to some kind of underskirt, they would have to overlap each other, whereas she had assumed they would just come under each other, with no overlap in other words. If they had to come on an underskirt, overlapping each other, it would mean that she therefore had too few strips, that a few more had to come underneath.

It gave her a strange headache, as if her brain was being pulled. At the same time, her mobile's alarm started vibrating. Coffee time... Actually, she didn't feel like doing that now, not feeling like being among other people. On the other hand, with their experience in inner healing, they might know if this was related. She got up, switched on the baby monitor App, and discovered that Julian was awake. Okay, the App could be off again!

She smiled at Julian, extended her arms, to which he started waving and kicking enthusiastically.

"Are you so eager to get out, little man? Come on, I'll give you a new diaper and then we'll go downstairs for a drink together."

Julian's enthusiasm disappeared as she put him in his car seat to take him downstairs. He waved his arms at her, clearly wanting her to hold him, to feed him.

Bianca smiled, "You know just fine what you want hey, well, I will try not to force anything else down your throat, but to see what I can do to help you. What did they call that again? So that you become yourself, so that you become who you are. Sounds funny, we'll see how that works out. So I'm not spoiling you, now that I'm getting you out again, I'm just helping you move in the right direction." She continued talking as she untied Julian and took him in her arm. "I talk a bit off to you, hey? Do you understand a bit what I mean? Or is it all thick nonsense according to you? I don't really know myself yet either dear, but I'm trying to do what I feel is right."

"And that's the best you can do, Bianca!" she heard from one of the guest rooms. She recognised the voice of Joke, the wife of her former chef. She briefly walked towards the open door, and saw Joke sitting behind a table, quickly typing a few more words on her laptop.

"So, that sentence is there! I opened the door for a moment, then it will air well. The other guests are gone anyway. And I heard you chattering to your son." Joke stood up and walked towards Bianca. She put her hands on Bianca's shoulder and Julian's head. "What a beautiful couple you are together... And what I just heard you say, that is a quest, but I assure you that you are absolutely on the right track. Talk to Huib about it later, I know him longer than today, he had a father who also left him free to discover himself. And the result is worth it, don't you think?"

Bianca shot into laughter: "Absolutely! I'll ask him in a moment. Thank you for your encouragement, and good luck with your book onwards. I'm going downstairs quickly, otherwise they'll come and pick me up like yesterday because I'm not there yet!"

"Hahaha, so they are taking good care of you. Off you go!"

Joke sat back down behind her table, a happy smile on her face. And Bianca went down another floor and stepped into the kitchen with Julian.

"Yeah, there she is! I was just about to go get you," Huib laughed.

"I could have been there earlier, but Julian just woke up, so I changed him quickly. And on the way, Joke stopped me, she had heard me chatting to Julian on the stairs. She encouraged me, and advised me to have a word with you about it."

Bianca laughed at Huib's puzzled face.

"About what then?"

"About parenting, about how you were raised. Joke felt that the result was worth it."

Huib made a goofy face. "Sure, I'm a great result! I think I understand what she meant. She knows that Erik and Annerieke didn't put me in a straitjacket of what people think you should do with a child. They followed their hearts, just lived with me, living together, just that. And Erik loved working with wood, but more the coarser work, like the woodwork on the outside of our houses. But he was very aware, through a dream and through what he saw me doing, drawing in wood with an awl, that I was more of the finer work. He always called me an artist, and he just pointed out things I could use to do what I loved. He showed me how to work with a gouge, or a drill. I had only been at school for a short time, then he was already letting me try with a drill, try what I could do with it. A fine drill though, for drawing, not for drilling holes indiscriminately. And don't worry, he always stayed with me and always put the drill away high up, so that I couldn't work with it without him. But so that's how he made me discover what I liked, what I loved, what I was good at. And what was it about with you and Julian?"

"Oh well, nothing special, I had put him in his car seat, to take him that way, but he clearly expressed that he did not want that. I took him out and took him downstairs on my arm. The only thing I wonder now is how this works if he wants something that really can't be done, or if it goes against myself or something."

"What really can't be done, really can't be done. Just think of that drill. I'm sure I would have liked to have started working on that myself, without dad there, but that was not wise. Not everything a child wants is good for him, but a lot more is possible than we often think. When it comes to spoiling... if you follow your heart, I don't think you spoil him."

Annerieke had been following the conversation and picked up on it. "We let Huib discover a lot by himself, at most giving some guidance or some help where needed. I found it exciting, but Erik was very good at that and set me a good example in it. And do you know what I found special? Huib never suffered from that infamous toddler or adolescent behaviour. He didn't resist us because he didn't need to. He had freedom, not a haphazard freedom of 'do as you please', but just about every opportunity to discover himself."

"Exactly," Huib complemented, "I never felt the need to resist. Except against school, which I really hated! But actually that makes sense, because at school you have to obey in a standard way. At home I obeyed too, but that didn't feel like a prison. At school it did, and I hated it! I got out of it alive because Erik and Annerieke understood me and helped me deal with it the best I could. But to be honest, I do sometimes run around thinking how we should deal with Gloria. Actually, I don't want her to go to school. We see it with Rosalie, who comes to us almost every day. She learns at home, and not in the form of homeschooling. She learns by herself, not along a set line. She is not yet five, but she reads children's books that would have been written for eight-year-olds. She has learned to use a computer, has her own laptop. She has looked up writing letters and started writing with a pencil. This is how she discovers, this is how she learns. Discovery from within... that's what schools should be replaced by, but how? How do you organise such a thing? By no means all parents have those opportunities to do that with their own children. I suspect that most parents wouldn't manage it either, because they are not yet used to listening to their inner self and sensing what their children would need. I'm sure that will all come, but it's not there yet. Really, sometimes I sit and think about whether we could organise that ourselves. But I don't know how, nor do I think it suits Margreet or me to organise such a thing. But then again, who could? I'm glad Gloria is still a baby, we still have some time!"

Bianca shot into laughter: "I can just feel your train of thought, your desire. And I totally follow you, totally agree with you, but I also have no idea how it could be. Could Rosalie's parents possibly have an idea about that?"

Huib raised his eyebrows. "You tell me about that, they have experience with their daughter... I'll ask them, maybe they have an idea."

Bianca noticed Julian had finished on one breast and turned him over to the other. Annerieke smiled, "I like it, that you do this just here. Not flashy to show off, but just feeding your baby."

Simon nodded: "It's a beautiful sight. And be sure it doesn't evoke anything in me that you wouldn't like. I just think it's beautiful."

Sjaak and Huib confirmed what Simon said, and Sjaak added that he thought it was special that she trusted them enough to do this.

Bianca blushed, because it was a difficult subject for her, but also because they encouraged her so much.

"I feel at home here," she said simply, "really at home, that's all."

"And that's enough, that's the best thing you need right now!" smiled Lisa.

"Yes... I have another question," Bianca suddenly remembered, "and I suspect you know the answer. I was just sewing and ran into a thinking error. Well, an error, that's a big word; I had something in mind, but found that it didn't work that way. By now I know how to do it differently, but I noticed while I was thinking about that, I got a strange headache, as if my brain was being pulled. Is that also related to that process?"

"What do you think yourself?" asked Annerieke.

"Well, the fact that I immediately thought in that direction... I guess that has to do with that process. But how then?"

"Try, try to reason, try to figure out what was going on in your head at that moment," Simon urged her. "That's how Erik encouraged me to take myself seriously and discover things for myself," he complemented explanatory.

Annerieke put her hand on his, squeezed it for a moment and gave him an encouraging nod.

Bianca smiled when she saw it, "Sorry, distracted for a moment, I love how you two interact. But back to that sewing for a moment. So what I had in mind to do was not correct, so I had to look for another solution so that the skirt would still look the way I had in mind. I'm reminded of the word 'standard'. Is it true that it has something to do with coming up with standard solutions? That we learnt something, learnt to think in a certain way... actually, we didn't really learn to think, not at school anyway. When I think back to all those rehearsals... it was stupidly stomping! And when teachers tried to teach us to think for ourselves, they steered us in a certain direction. Indoctrination... Okay, so we hardly learnt to think, and what we learnt about thinking went in a standard direction. Now, with that sewing, I have to come up with my own solution. I don't follow a sewing pattern, I design it myself... Are my thoughts fixed in a default direction? Have I actually never learned to think for myself? Really think for myself? And was that just loosened up a bit?"

To her surprise, she received a standing ovation, causing Julian to let go of her breast and look around with wide eyes. She tried to put him back on when the others stopped clapping, but he seemed to have had enough. She put her clothes back on and laid Julian against her shoulder.

Margreet laughed: "You can do some of that, your brain was almost audibly cracking, and in the meantime you are taking care of Julian. A centipede would get jealous of you!"

Bianca chuckled, while Julian let out a fat burp in response. "But do you guys think my train of thought is right, then?"

"Ha, do you want another round of applause? It was perfectly correct, and I'm sure it will happen more often, and each time you will become a little freer to follow your heart and to see, to feel what you need." Huib looked at her beaming, gave her a gentle punch against her free shoulder and said, "You're a topper, just keep thinking like that, discover what there is to discover and a world will open up for you!"

"Amen!" said Simon in a heavy voice. "Just like that!"

To chapter 16. What suits me

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