At home, Margreet looked around. She felt restless. At first she had planned to continue her knitting, or already calculate the pattern for her sleeves, but she felt compelled to cleaning up. Tomorrow... her parents would come, and they would probably want to know where and how she lived. And if they saw that it wasn't super clean, they'd reprimand her.

Where would she start? Most striking was the floor, she thought. Here and there was a blade of grass, which made sense, because they walked across the grass to their house every time, and even if they wiped their feet, their shoes would never be perfectly clean. And in the house they did not use slippers. Huib had told her once, that slippers felt restrictive for him. He could not run outside just like that. Not that he often did that, but the idea, the feeling made him not want to wear slippers. And actually Margreet could well imagine that. In the guesthouse it felt different, it had to remain a bit tidy for the guests. On the other hand, guests also walked in from outside. Maybe they should talk about that when they were together.

She picked up the vacuum cleaner and got to work. She decided to start at the hobby room and work her way to the front door. She was nowhere near halfway when Huib stepped in and frowning he saw she was working. He immediately sensed what was going on: her parents... He walked with large steps towards the socket and pulled out the plug. Margreet looked up, startled and surprised. Huib was already standing right behind her, calmly taking the vacuum cleaner rod from her hands and putting both his hands on her shoulders, looking at her lovingly.

"What's going on?" Margreet asked in surprise.

"That's what I was just about to ask you," Huib responded calmly. "I was wondering why you were working in your off hours. Was it so dirty here?"

"Well no, it wasn't too bad in itself..."

"But?"

Margreet sighed, finding it hard to confess what was behind her zeal. "My parents are coming tomorrow, they'll probably stop by here too, I guess..."

"Yeah, I guess so, they'll want to know where you live now. Were you vacuuming for them? To avoid criticism?"

Margreet lowered her eyes, lowered her head and nodded embarrassed.

Huib pulled her against him. "That doesn't matter dear, you don't have to be ashamed. But you don't have to do this either. We don't live for the amazing cleanness that other people demand. Would you want to try feeling in your heart what you really want to do?"

Margreet laid her head against his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his waist. "I'm trying to feel it, but all I feel is restlessness and menace. Somehow I know I'd much rather go on with my vest, but my feelings are all upset! If only I could play the violin like Lisa, or the piano like Sjaak, I'd just play the misery out of it."

Huib smiled, "I thought so too, although I expect that in the coming time, especially for Lisa, there will be things that will come up that no violin can stand, things that she can't play out. You know, what you're feeling now, feels super rotten, I know, but you'll find over time that it will bring you healing. And what you just did, that vacuuming, reminded me of a big childhood pimple."

"What?! A childhood pimple?!" exclaimed Margreet in bewilderment. "How can you compare that restlessness to a childhood pimple?"

"Hmm it's just an idea. What I remember about childhood pimples is that they first started to itch and then as they grew, there was tension on them, they sometimes became quite sensitive, painful. I tended to squeeze them out, but that didn't always work out well, then the pit stayed in, or at least something that looked like a pit. And then that bitch just grew again. In other words, the best I could do about it was to give that pimple a rest, so that it would heal and dry out on its own. Do you recognize that?"

"Yes, but I don't see the connection yet..."

"The connection is, that many people tend to give their emotional mess a helping hand. Then they go out of their way not to be bothered by the feeling, like you just did with vacuuming. Or they're going to consciously think positively about themselves. Then they work through a list of positive remarks which they then recite about themselves. Christians often use bible texts for this. It’s possible that at that moment it gives them some relief, that they feel a little better. Just like when you squeeze that pimple, which takes the tension off, but it's not healed yet. The skin is a little bit broken, but the tension is gone, and that feels better, at least for a while. But if that pit is still there, then there is no healing yet. And if an emotional wound hasn't healed, the most you can get through positive comments is a bit relaxation for a short while, but the wound underneath just stays in place and will come back later. Therefore it is better to give that wound rest, to give ourselves rest, so that it can heal from within. Your restlessness has to do with a wound of fear of criticism from your parents, and I suspect also with the belief that there should be no dust or other dirt anywhere. Fear of punishment perhaps as well. If you start vacuuming now, the restlessness seems to decrease, they won't be able to say anything about our floor, it is super clean! But... that doesn't give healing inside. We need to do only what our inner self tells us to do. Deep down, you have more desire to continue with your knitting, but the restlessness is causing you to doubt, is forcing you to do something that will reduce the restlessness. You have just gone after that restlessness by vacuuming. There's no shame in that, it's not bad, there's no guilt or anything. This is just what you are used to. You've got a nasty wound behind it," Huib put his hand on her belly, just above her belly button, "that didn't allow you to follow your heart. That's why I pulled the plug. Do you want to put the vacuum cleaner away yourself? Then I'll prepare another cup of coffee, okay? Or would you like something else to drink?"

Margreet stood looking at him, dazed. His explanation... it was a lot, but she felt it was true, she felt it was right, but it clashed with the fear, the restlessness. She blinked, "Coffee will do, I think...I'm a little off my game at the moment, sorry Huib."

He pulled her tightly against him and hugged her with sweet gentle kisses on her face and neck. "No sorry needed dear girl, you haven't done any harm, you're just in a healing dip, and this is a severe dip, I felt that already when I came in and saw you busy. It's good that the beginnings of this are loosening up. The coming week there will be more... Difficult, but no problem, we'll get through it together! I'm going to make coffee!" After a firm kiss, he released her and walked to the kitchen singing, "Coffee, coffee, a good cup of coffee!"

Margreet looked at him, chuckling, let the cord slip back into the vacuum cleaner and placed it back in the work cabinet. She lowered herself quietly into her rocking chair and thought about what Huib had said. She was still restless. In her mind she saw her parents walking towards their house. She watched her mother run her finger over the cabinets and the window sill to make sure it was perfectly clean. She had seen her do this to other people many times and had always found it demeaning. She knew her mother condemned people for it. Her mother always made sure her own house was perfectly clean, and unsaid she demanded exact the same from others. Margreet had always been ashamed of her mother’s behavior and had felt powerless. She had not dared to say anything about it, and she regretted that now.

She was startled by Huibs hands on her face, by his kisses on her forehead. "Just to kiss away the frown, you know..." he joked. He picked up his book, wanted to start reading, but asked her if she wanted to talk more about it. Margreet shook her head and smiled. She picked up her knitting and got to work. The second half front was approaching the armhole. She knew from experience that it would go fast after that, because of the reduction of stitches. Perhaps it would be better to start making the pattern for the sleeves first? Then she could continue after the front...

She did not realize that Huib was not reading, but observing her. Only when he saw that she was taking her writing pad and pen from her knitting basket, he intervened: "What's happening Margreet?"

"Huh? Nothing, I guess, it just suddenly occurred to me that I've already come this far with this fore part, and thought it would be smart to start calculating and describing the pattern for the sleeves."

"Okay, I understand that, but you're currently recovering from a dip, a healing dip ... could it be that a little more rest would be better for you? Figuring out that piece of pattern seems pretty intense right now. What do you think?"

Margreet thought and tried to feel... "You're right, I'm experiencing tension over it. I'd better just do some knitting."

"Or do nothing, or read a bit," Huib responded, "something that’s easy for you, that doesn't cost you too much. Later you can think of more difficult things. Just choose what you're most attracted to."

"Boy, life is completely complicated!" Margreet protested.

"No, I don't agree with you, life itself is quite simple. It only feels complicated because we have been taught all sorts of crazy and contradictory things. One says this, the other that, and everyone in their own way is caught up in it. Dad used to compare it to fish hooks that still had the threads on them. They got stuck somewhere in your soul, and the next fish hooks got themselves stuck in there and the threads become entangled with each other. And it pulls and it moves... But you have now entered an opposite process. Your healing has begun, which means those hooks need to be taken out. You can't just do that haphazardly, so not a "fear of criticism hook" and a "knitting pattern hook" at the same time. They're all too tangled up together. And yes, that's hard, it's better not to live haphazardly on the old way. It's good for your healing to become aware of what's going on inside of you, and to take that into account. Between all the wonderful things we have together and around the boarding house, you will regularly have to deal with periods that are difficult and super intense. I'm glad we get to go through it together, Gretel. I had a lot of help from Erik and Annerieke at the time, and now I think I can get through it pretty well on my own. There's just not that much left, most of the time I'm doing fine. But if something still comes up, I know what's going on and what I can do best. For you, it's still pretty new right now, so I'm glad you don't have to go through it alone!"

Margreet nodded. "I think I do understand. By the way, when one of those so-called fishhooks comes loose, can you feel that as physical pain?"

"Sometimes yes, I've had stitches in my belly sometimes, quite severe. Annerieke had more stitches on the side of her forehead, near her temple. That visibly hurt her. They always came so incredibly unexpectedly that she would reach for her head and yell "ouch", even though the pain was usually gone immediately. It was just an automatic reaction. I don't think she's bothered by that anymore. Now, when she and I have stitches like that, we know that there is usually something else going on, that we are busy helping other people with their healing. But I'll explain that to you later, when you're further along in your healing process. You're already experiencing so much, I don't want it to be too much to you, right? I'm going to read, what about you?"

"Me too, I need a little distraction, to get my mind off things. It's all quite a lot indeed, and it's still so unknown to me. If I don't remember something, can I ask you?"

"Of course dear girl, you don't have to be able to grasp and remember everything at once! It is a soul event that only a few people know and understand. It is also completely new for you, so we'll just go step by step. And if you forget or don't understand something once, and you give me or one of the others the opportunity to explain it again, it will land deeper in you."

"Okay, fine, then I'm not going to frenetically try to remember everything you've told me, I'll just let it go for now."

She grabbed her coffee and her book. "I’m going to enjoy reading..."

They smiled at each other and were both completely engrossed in their books in a matter of seconds.

To chapter 63. Lisa is upset for a while

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