Ellen quickly managed to get hold of Judge Johan Simons, her former college classmate. He sounded pleasantly surprised when she made herself known through the phone. They chatted briefly to each other about their work and private lives.

As it turned out, Johan was not married. "Who would want to be in a relationship with a judge, such a dried prune?" he joked.

"Hahaha, as I know you, you are an exception that proves the rule. At least in our college days, you were anything but a dried prune. Do you remember Marieke van Velzen? I was with her yesterday at the home of a woman who asked me to defend her. Marieke and I remember well how you and we had serious conversations together, discussions about right and wrong and how we took our stands in situations, thought about difficult subjects. And we talked about it yesterday after our visit, how all three of us dealt with things from within. And also how, in addition to all those serious conversations, we just had a lot of fun, a lot of laughter. Do you remember, our long walks, you between 'your women', as you called us. We just had a close bond. And in that, there was nothing that made me feel like you were a dried prune. Or did you dry out over the years?"

During her story, a smile had appeared on John's face, a smile that reached his eyes. At the same time, there was a sadness in his heart at the memory of those days. Marieke van Velzen, if there had been one woman in his past with whom he had had a special click, it was her. But he had never dared to go beyond mere friendly conversations. He was afraid she would reject him and he would lose the whole friendship. What an insecure young man he had actually been, and sometimes still is, except in his work. Back then he had felt safe and secure in his studies and in the friendship with "his women," Marieke and Ellen. Now he felt safe and confident only in his work as a judge. He knew what he stood for, and followed his intuition! But in his private life he was lonely, he had no real friendships anymore, at most some vague contacts.

"Johan? Are you still there?" asked Ellen.

"Oh sorry, yes, I'm still there, I was all in my mind back in the day for a moment. Excuse me! So tell me, what were you calling for?"

"That's a bit much to explain over the phone. I'd like to meet with you, preferably today, to tell you about this case I'm going to defend. Can we agree on something about that?"

"Yeah, let me think about it... I'm actually pretty full today, I'm wrapping up a case. But I could meet with you at a quiet restaurant nearby, for lunch, at half past 12."

Ellen immediately responded, "Let’s do that, just give me the name and address of that restaurant." She wrote down what Johan dictated to her. "Awfully nice Johan, then we'll meet there at 12:30, I'll be there!"

Johan put down the handset and looked ahead thoughtfully for a moment. Marieke's name had only been mentioned briefly, but it had struck him as if someone shot an arrow into his belly. Ellen had called her Marieke van Velzen, so it seemed that she too was not married. And Ellen wanted to talk to him, about a lawsuit, and somehow Marieke was involved. As a security guard? It could be, he didn't know. He only knew one thing, that what he had felt in the past just musing about Marieke, that it was apparently not as dead as he had thought. In fact, it was alive and well. Very cautiously he began to hope, that he could meet her again, and that perhaps he could take a gamble with her after all. If he had the courage...

He sighed deeply, in the midst of a struggle between feelings of longing and feelings of hopelessness. He stood up for a moment and stretched. He had to get it off his chest now, he had to get on with his work. And that, that had always been his strong point. If he focused on his work, he could forget everything around it.

That was how it had always been, that was how he had always lived, ever since he was a child, when that was how he hid from the way his parents treated each other. There had rarely been any real fighting, but he had always experienced an atmosphere of control, of intimidation and manipulation. He had felt the condemnation of his parents toward each other at times when they did not meet each other's expectations. He had known from an early age that they wanted him, too, to live the way they thought was right.

But that didn't feel right to himself. And to survive that, he had taught himself to make himself invisible in a certain way, by always being busy with his own things. And he had become good at that, it had helped him during his studies, also during the time that he so desperately longed for Marieke. He could easily put that desire aside when he had to study.

And now at work he did the same. He could ignore the tension, the negative charge that usually hung over a court case, even during the preparations. He was always good at keeping to himself and he would do the same now. Hoppa, he commanded himself, you get to work!

He sat down at his computer again to finish what he had been doing lately. He only had to read over what was already written and polish it up where necessary. That was all. And then have a nice lunch with Ellen. And so his thoughts returned to the subject of his heart: the desire that had been kindled by her, his desire for Marieke....

It took him more than double the time he had expected to need, because this time he could hardly keep his mind on it. He had never experienced anything like it before. It worried him; he needed to be able to separate business from personal feelings. Otherwise he could not do his job properly.

He looked at his watch. He still had fifteen minutes to do some work, too little to really tackle anything properly. He decided to use that fifteen minutes to see if he could find Marieke on the Internet. He knew that she had gone into security after her junior year, but had no idea where she worked and lived now, or if she had really become a security guard. So many people chose a field of study, but later decided to do something else. A side branch, or something completely different!

With Marieke, that was not the case. He had quickly found her agency for security and discovered that she worked in another region. He scrolled over her website, stared at her picture, and then abruptly closed the website. He was bullying himself, dammit! He'd better get to that restaurant.

To chapter 176. Lunch

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