When Huib was about to go downstairs, he suddenly remembered what else Margreet had said, about an email from her parents. "Hey, if you don't want to read and reply that e-mail, why would you do it now?"

“Well, that's what they expect of me…”

"So somehow they're forcing you to do something you don't want to… do I understand that correctly?"

And when Margreet nodded: “Would you consider waiting, maybe opening that email tomorrow?”

“Oh no, I can't!” Margreet reacted fiercely. “Then it all starts raging in my head! I'm really scared, I know they get angrier and angrier every hour I don't respond! Then I can't sit quietly in the wild garden afterwards. If I respond first, then maybe I'll have peace of mind..."

"Maybe? Why do you doubt that?” Huib asked.

“Because… if their email is a crappy email, it’s hard for me to send a wise reply email, an email that makes sure they will not get mad at me. It's hard to keep them happy."

Huib felt anger rise in his soul, anger about what her parents had done to her. He grabbed her shoulders and shook her a bit together as he looked straight at her: “You know what I call that, what they do to you? They're holding you captive! They determine for you what you should do or should not do! And I hate that! I hate that! You're supposed to be a free bird like me. You don't belong in their cage."

Margreet felt overwhelmed and from the pain that shot up began to talk about her application, how her mother had reacted with recriminations and accusations. “And so it’s with everything, if I don't do what she thinks is right. Especially she, yes, my mother, but I think my father is completely behind her. I think she rules over him as much as over me.”

She put her hands to her face. "I feel so ashamed! I know you're right, but I don't know how else to handle it. I've tried so many times to go my own way, but it never worked out! That application made me feel stronger, perhaps because I longed to escape their way of living. I really wanted to be free! But just leaving home was not enough. I'm afraid they will haunt me for the rest of my life.”

Margreet sobbed, all the tension of years seemed to come out. Huib said nothing, but pulled her gently against him, her head in the hollow of his shoulder and neck, while he gently stroked her hair.

Only when Margreet calmed down she realized where she was and what Huib was doing. She assumed he was only doing it to comfort and support her, but she got loose herself anyway. She was not used to intimacy and actually found it quite scary. All sorts of confusing thoughts ran through her head. Huib would be like a brother to her, and she didn't want something more… or maybe she wanted too… shit, it didn't get any easier that way. Did he want more? She really had no idea. And it didn't matter for a while, she thought, it was about that e-mail. She took the handkerchief he handed her and wiped her tears.

"Oh I’m so sorry, I have wet your blouse!"

“Yes, dear, that is the misery of tears,” Huib winked. “Fortunately, they do dry up again. I think you should be proud of yourself for taking that step to leave. Proud for pouring out your heart, being honest about the situation. You no longer have to hide when it comes to your parents. I'm behind you. And if you want to discuss it with Annerieke, I'm sure she's behind you too. She has always longed for me that I should be free, free to do what is in my heart, not being fearful of other people, but delightfully myself and therefore strong. If it's okay with you, I want to help you. If you want, I'll read that email from your parents with you, and I'll help you give a good response back. Just think about that. I'm taking this afternoon off, shall we sit down in that garden first? I haven't been there far too long!”

Margreet found it difficult, the thoughts that had just confused her clashed with her desire to relax in the garden and to know Huib next to her. Well, they had to be quiet, sit still, otherwise no birds would come, so nothing could happen.

Crazy, and horrifying… his arms around her had felt so familiar, but her fear of falling in love was so great that she was deeply afraid of that ordinary brotherly touch too.

She straightened her back: "Let's sit there for a while, so I can think about your offer of helping with that email." She took her old cardigan out of the closet and put it on. "It's going to be pretty cold sitting there like that, so I'll take my cardigan and my winter coat!"

“You're right, my blouse is more like a sweater, it's a real lumberjack vest, wonderfully warm, but I will pull my winter jacket over it too. I have to pick it up at home.”

Each with their own thoughts they walked side by side towards the wildlife garden.

“I'll just take my tools to the shed and then walk to my house for my coat, there,” Huib pointed out. “Feel free to sit in the garden, I'll be right back!”

Margreet nodded. In fact, she was glad he suggested it this way. She wasn't ready to be in his house yet. She had to get her tangled thoughts about possible love and being touched under control first. Imagine, she thought, I've only been here for a few days, and then surely fall in love with my boss? She chuckled to herself: My boss, I don't think he sees himself that way at all. What he had said about being family together at their first meeting, he was really serious about. She was welcomed into their family as a daughter and sister. And Sjaak, the gardener, was one of them. What was he to her then? Her uncle? Her father? No, no father, that would be crazy, then he and Annerieke should have some sort of marital relationship. She laughed out loud for a moment.

"What are you laughing at?" came Huib's voice next to her.

Margreet looked at him with a happy face: “I was thinking about what you had said during our first conversation, that we would be a kind of family, that's how I would belong. And that's how I feel too, I feel included in your family. But that wasn't what made me laugh. I thought of Sjaak, he was also part of the family. I wondered what he was to me then. My uncle? My father? The latter would be crazy towards Annerieke and you, it just doesn't feel right. I think I'll just stick with an uncle. I like him by the way, I also think he is someone who feels free in his work, who really loves this immense garden here.”

“Oh yes, for sure! I've known him almost all my life, he was almost ten when I was born, so it felt familiar when he came to work here. My father did a lot of work in the garden himself for a long time, but eventually thought it would be cool if Sjaak came to help him. Sjaak is between me and my father in terms of age. That made him seem like a sort of older son to Dad, and yet he wasn't. I never really experienced him as an older brother myself. He is just a great friend. You know, all those names that we humans give to relatives and stuff, they're basically nonsense. My mother is my mother because she gave birth to me. That's how your mother became your mother. But look at the incredible difference between those two mothers! If I hear you like that about your mother… then I think that if you could choose for yourself, you would rather have Annerieke as your mother.”

Margreet nodded vigorously: “Certainly! I've only been here a short time, but with Annerieke I feel safe and accepted! That's completely new to me, and that says a lot about my relationship with my mother. Sad actually…”

“Definitely sad! It shouldn't be. My parents have always told me this: I have a blood connection with them, but I have to choose my real family. And by my real family they meant those people with whom I really feel connected, with whom I experience a deep connection. Like when I got your application email… You hadn't written anything special, nothing personal in fact. So there seemed no reason to click with you. And yet that click was there immediately! I couldn't explain it, I could only feel it."

Margreet agreed: “I don't have it as strong as you, but I do recognize it. After all, I already knew in advance that I would be hired by you?”

They were silent for a moment, each with their own thoughts.

“I think, Huib, that I don't experience it as strongly as you do… that's because of how my parents have always treated me. Because of that being imprisoned, as you called it. You were raised as a free person. That allowed your soul to make itself felt.” She interrupted herself: “Oh boy, I've never thought like that, this is completely new to me, and the idea just pops up spontaneously. Do you think it is right?”

“Oh yes, it's right! And that it now comes up so spontaneously, information that is not taught at all in our society, and given your upbringing is therefore completely new and unimaginable… I think that is because of our conversation, because I could let you feel how your situation is different than mine, to be captivated or to be free. As a result, your soul has also become a bit more free to bring up things you had never heard of before.”

Margreet smiled happily: “This is beautiful, this feels good! And what you said about choosing the people you want to count as your family, that's also completely new to me, but it clicks, I have no doubt that it is good. And the words father, mother, brother, uncle and all of that… they don't matter at all, they just show how your bloodline works.”

“Exactly, they don't matter, it's about a relationship from heart to heart, from soul to soul. Your blood tie is only a little interesting when it comes to your looks, nothing more. But… the birds will not come, we are chatting too much, shall we be quiet for a while and sit still?”

Margreet nodded. She sat herself on the couch a little different, so she could keep it for a while.

It didn’t take long before the first birds arrived. Sparrows, a whole group, and great titmice. They sat down on the tall stems that had grown from the birdseed Sjaak had sprinkled last year. They picked at the faded flowers to get the seeds out. Margreet struggled not to laugh out loud. It was such a comic sight to see them swinging back and forth on those tall stems! Huib tapped her gently and nodded at a sparrow ahead. He had discovered a clever trick: he had sat on such a high stem, had swung down to the ground on it, and put his feet on it so that the stem wouldn't rise again. So he picked happily.

Margreet noticed that many birds were watching them, but not fleeing from them. It seemed that they were used to the presence of people. Margreet enjoyed the hustle and bustle of the little animals.

Unfortunately, it didn't take long for Margreet, despite her precautions, to get cold. Huib also suffered from it. They decided to go back to the guest house.

“Have you already decided what you want to do with that email from your parents? Would you like me to sit with you and help you if you ask me? You know, I don't want to follow along until you ask me to. But I'm fine with sitting on the other side, for example, so you can ask me if you need to. Do you want that? Or would you rather be alone with it?”

Margreet had to switch gears for a moment. In the garden she had been so fascinated by the birds that she hadn't even thought about that e-mail anymore. It now felt as if she was thundering from the sky back to the ground. She moaned, “Oh, damn, that email… I'd love you to be standby, but do you really have time to stay around?”

"Of course, otherwise I wouldn't offer it to you," said Huib. "Come on girl, you're going to make something of it!"

With good cheer they went inside, upstairs. Margreet took out her laptop, sat on her bed with it and opened the email, while Huib sat down in the rocking chair in front of her. “That's fine!” he said, rocking. Margreet smiled: “Yes, it is a lovely chair… Well, I'm going to read!”

"Go ahead!"

Apparently the email wasn't long. Huib soon saw that Margreet began to type. And he also saw tears rolling down her cheeks. He got up and sat down next to her with his arm around her shoulders.

“What makes you so sad?”

“Just read it,” Margreet sniffed. She put the laptop on his lap, grabbed a handkerchief, and blew her nose noisily. She saw Huibs facial expression change. When he looked at her, she saw that he was furious. So furious, it scared her a little bit.

“I am so angry, Margreet, so unbelievably angry! These people have ruined your life and will not stop doing this when you don't stop them.”

"Are you mad at me too?" Margreet asked cautiously.

“Not at all, I'm furious at what they've done, how they've trapped you. No, don't defend them," he went on furiously when he saw her wanting to respond. “They have no right to do this. They keep you trapped in their web of convictions. They call it love, but it is pure self-love. They don't give a damn what it does to you, as long as you keep petting them! Sorry Margreet, I'm just as hard now, it just hurts me so much for you, that you haven't been given the freedom to live, to develop, as I had that chance. I just feel how you must have felt all these years. And I feel the big difference from how I've felt all these years. I was allowed to be human, child, teenager, adolescent, not even that, my parents didn't do phases, they just followed me, helped me, encouraged me. They have always loved me and have shown it by letting me be who I am. I was allowed to discover myself. You never was allowed so, isn’t that right?”

Huib looked into a pair of open eyes filled with tears. She tilted her head slightly to look at him, her mouth a bit open. She looked as if she had held her breath, now she was breathing in and out jerkily. She nodded, almost invisibly, as if she wasn’t allowed to admit that it was exactly as he described.

“I saw that you had already started writing an answer, can I read that too?”

Margreet nodded again, unable to speak. Her breathing was still jerky. Huib still had his arm around her shoulders. Without realizing it, he pulled her tightly against him, protectively. He read the beginning of her response. He looked at her. The anger had faded, a silent sadness was visible in his eyes.

“Your reaction, dear girl...” Huib spoke slowly, as if he was tired. “It hurts so much. I feel how you have always reacted as a slave to your parents, as the obedient girl. You must have hoped that one day they would show you some appreciation, maybe even love you.” He went on calmly, encouraged by Margreet who kept nodding: “And now you're gone from them, but you're not yet able to act toward them like a mature, independent woman. No, just be silent, let me tell you," he interrupted himself when he saw she wanted to respond. “You don't have to feel guilty about that, because there's nothing you can do about it. They have enslaved you, you are expected to respond as you do now, as they will: submissively, and in a way that you hope they will no longer be angry. Their behaviour has trapped you, imprisoned you and destroyed you emotionally. I don't know if there are any other causes, but I've seen it from the moment I first saw you, when I walked up to you, I saw it... that you were broken. I saw your attitude, I heard your reactions, I saw you blush. So much uncertainty, so much fear that you possibly could do things wrong. And that I can hold you like this now, I could not have imagined a few days ago. Do you remember that first day, that little conversation in my office? I took your hands, and you know what I felt? I thought I'd break you into pieces just by holding your hands. Margreet, you are such a shy bird, a broken bird in a cage. And I enjoy every moment that you break out of it for a moment, that that uncertainty gives way to what is really inside of you. I don't see exactly what's in you yet, but what I do see is a flower bud. You are a flower bud, full of cheerful colors, a flower bud that should have opened in your youth, but which has always remained closed, overgrown with weeds. And by weeds I mean those plants that can settle around you in such a way that you completely disappear into it. Disappear yeah… so you are no more! And that's what happened to you: the real Margreet doesn't seem to be there anymore, although she sometimes glances through that proliferating plant for a moment. The real Margreet is an almost invisible flower bud…”

Margreet's mouth had fallen open wider and wider as he spoke. Tears flowed again, her body gently shook in silent sorrow. She didn’t say anything, she couldn't say anything. And Huib kept quiet too, knowing that what he'd said had touched her and that the grief and pain she felt now needed time to get out. He kept looking at her. Margreet saw it, but wasn't aware of it. She only felt a despair inside that knew no way out. A despair because she didn't know who she was. Yes, that's what she'd felt when Huib talked about that flower bud. She was a bud, small and invisible. A multicolored cheerful flower? She recognized it, it had been her desire to be something like that for so many years. Apparently her inner self, her soul, had known that. Yes of course, everything she really was always had been located in her soul, contained in that safe place. It had only been invisible, it had got overgrown. But right through that she had felt her soul's yearning.

Margreet now looked consciously at Huib and told what impression had just surfaced in her. “This is totally new to me, it seems like my soul is just telling me how it works. I have felt my soul's longing, so many times, to be as you described me: a flower full of cheerful colors. That's who I am, but it's not coming out and I don't know what to do to make that bud open, to make it bloom! What should I do?" She cried out her despair to Huib.

He took both her hands again, as he had done on that first day. "Nothing! Nothing Margreet! You don't have to do anything. In fact, you can't do anything. Your soul will heal by itself. Well, you can do something. Distance yourself from people who are holding you back. Scary probably! Yes, that's what I thought, it's so terrifying, but also much needed. Otherwise it will be unnecessarily difficult for your soul to remove all those proliferating plants and heal your wounds. All the wounds inflicted in your soul will heal, but such people who keep hacking at you will seriously aggravate that process. Do you understand?"

“Yes… yes, I get it, but I do feel very insecure and scared about it. I don’t know…"

“Do you want to be free from your parents' squabbling?” Huib interrupted her.

"Yes of course! But how? I'm sitting here, two hours from home, and they're just chopping through. How am I supposed to stop that?”

“You can't stop that chopping, you can't change them. You shouldn't even want to do that, that's an impossible task. It is now purely and solely about you, about how to get rid of them. Can I write my idea for a response to their mail in a rough draft? Then you can decide for yourself whether you want to use it, or whether you want to throw it away or whether you want to change something.”

Margreet nodded. Huib opened Wordpad and started typing. After a few lines he was done and let her read it:

“Mom and Dad, I have decided that I can no longer accept that you treat me this way. I left home for that reason, and for the same reason I now cut off contact with you. So I will no longer respond to your emails. I'm going my own way from now on, MY way. Don't worry, I'm fine, better than ever!”

Margreet read it a few times. A deep sigh escaped her mouth. “I feel that it's right, but they'll be so mad at me…”

“Yes, I'm sure they will. But they are responsible for their own feelings. They have to deal with that themselves. You are the last person who should be responsible for that. You have enough to yourself, count on it that that will become apparent in the near future. Healing your emotional wounds takes time and energy, you can't have the mess of other people with that! But what do you think, do you want to send it like that?”

Margreet looked at him: “Yes, I want to, because even though I've only known you for a short time, I trust you more than I trust them. I don't want to give them the opportunity to destroy me anymore. And I feel what you wrote is good, but I'm afraid of their reactions.”

“Are you obligated to read their comments? Or if they call: can you ignore that? Can you block them? To give yourself more peace of mind, it might be useful to use a different email address and phone number. But I think you can also block their email address and phone number. Do you think that's a good idea to do the latter?”

Margreet thought… “Yes…. Yes! So funny, I'm thinking about it, and all of a sudden it dawns on me that I feel deep inside that this is right! Like cheering inside! I know I know I know… that this is good! I'll just copy your answer to them, your answer is clear, I could never have written it that way myself. And then we'll see how we can block them."

Huib smiled at her reaction, glad she felt it so clearly herself. That was all that mattered. He could not and would not convince her. Her heart, her soul had to convince her. And apparently it worked that way!

“Just do it, and I predict you now, that at some point you will have been healed so far that you too will be able to give such reactions effortlessly, just from within, because your soul knows perfectly well what to say or write. Till now it has just barely come out. It couldn't get out, because of that proliferating plant, you know.."

Margreet nodded gratefully and started to copy Huibs text and put it in the email as a reply. She signed with "greetings, Margreet", looked at it one more time and clicked send, with a relaxed smile on her face.

“Do you know what I see Margreet? The first petals of the flower bud begin to detach. The blossoming has begun. We're not there yet, but you've made a good start. Do you know how to block them on your email and phone?”

Margreets smile deepened into a laugh. "I have no idea, do you?"

Huib nodded and took her laptop back from her. Margreet put her hand on his shoulder and watched what he did. That terrible jungle in this computer programs, she really had no idea of. She admired Huibs ease of use with the computer. She was lost after a few seconds and let him go his way, both on her laptop and on her cell phone.

She withdrew her hand, placed her hands in her lap. She considered what had happened, and felt relaxed and tense in turn. It was as if friend and foe were arguing against each other in her head. She was grateful for the fact that all that shit wasn't necessary anymore, that she could be separated from her parents, that she knew deep down that it was the best for her. She also felt insecure and afraid about what they would think and feel. Her mother's anger, which she had always feared, even as a small child. And that fear had only grown worse and deeper over the years. In her mind she admonished herself: let them feel, that's their problem, they can't express it to me anymore, they can't prosecute me anymore.

But, right through that, she heard her mother's angry voice in her mind: "You should never have done this, you ungrateful brat you are." All kinds of statements from her mother surfaced, she heard them as if her mother was sitting next to her in Huibs place. She herself didn't realize that because of the growing fear she was starting to breathe more and more superficially and that her eyes had become dangerously large. It took a while before she realized that Huib was talking to her.

“Margreet, what's happening? Margreet? Margreet, look at me. Ah, I’m glad, there you are again! You seemed completely out of this world. Tell me, what happened? You looked so frightened!”

“So was I, I was so scared! I was so scared I was going crazy! I heard all these statements from my mother, just as real as if she was sitting here next to me. That's not normal is it?! I'm afraid Huib, soon I'll be crazy! Do I need a psychologist? A psychiatrist? I want to stay here Huib, I don't want to be admitted to a psychiatric institution, I want to stay here, I want to work here, I belong here!!!” She cried out for fear.

Huib grabbed her and lifted her onto his lap as if she was a small child. He rocked her gently and whispered in her ear, “You're NOT CRAZY, and you're not going crazy. I've been hurt too, by kids at school. I also made decisions a few years ago not to speak to them anymore, to block them, to ignore them on the street. It was scary but good! And do you know what happened to me? I heard in my head all the things they'd said to me, all their swearing and taunting. Just like you hear it from your mother now. And it has come back regularly. At first I also thought I was going crazy, but my mother and father kept telling me that this was part of it, that my soul was healing the pain. It took a long time, I think a few months, at least weeks. Then it got less. The statements still came, but softly, as if the wind blew over that statements. That was a strange sensation. I heard the sayings, but was no longer afraid, no longer sad, no longer in pain. When I told my mother, she hugged me and said I was healed. She immediately grabbed a tub of ice cream from the freezer. She thought it should be celebrated! And she was right, I had made it through a deep wound and was free from it now. I was healed! That was worth a party! There weren't many guests at the time, but the few that were there were regulars, we knew them well, we had a connection with them. Annerieke stood there with a large plate of an ice cream cake, beautifully decorated, and said it was a very special ice cream cake, to celebrate her dear sons healing from a great pain. One of the guests had stood up to hug me and congratulate me. And the other guests did too, each in their own way, a hand on my shoulder, a kiss on my forehead, it didn't matter, they were happy for me. And I felt like the party boy of the day! Margreet, dear girl, that day will come for you too. And if Annerieke herself doesn't come up with the idea to make a special cake for you, I will personally remind her of it!"

Huibs arms pressed her against him for a moment. Margreet felt a longing to curl up all the way against him, or to put her arms around him. But she wasn't that free yet.

She sighed deeply: “Thank you Huib, I am very happy with your help. And what's to come… I'll see, at least I'm safe here!”

She looked at her watch and was startled: "It's late dude, we're late for dinner!"

Huib understood from her background, which he now knew a little, why she sounded scared. She felt she had done something wrong.

She was GUILTY!

She should be ashamed of herself!

She deserved PUNISHMENT!

Most likely she was afraid that Annerieke would be angry at her.

"Let's go soon, I'm quite hungry to be honest!"

.

Annerieke had already brought the dishes into the dining room, the guests were already eating. Their own bowls were on the dining table in the kitchen. Because of the planning, she decided to ladle her food herself. She assumed that Huib and Margreet would also join her in a moment. And that was right, she heard them drumming down the stairs. The door swung open and Margreet entered, her face flushed.

“Sorry Annerieke, we are late, we…”

“Sit down Margreet, get yourself some food, then you can say what you want to say later!”

"Aren't you mad then?"

Annerieke chuckled: “Not yet, maybe later? It depends on what crime you committed…” She lowered her voice to severe, but didn't hold it. She burst out laughing: “Being late, there can be all kinds of reasons. Eat well guys!”

Because they were a bit behind in time, they ate in silence, so that they could immediately help Annerieke with clearing up and doing the dishes. While doing the dishes, Huib sat at the dining table, his legs over a corner of the table.

“Now add a newspaper and a pipe, then you're the lord!” laughed Annerieke. “It looks good on you!”

Huib chuckled: “It's actually not really comfortable.” He put his feet back on the ground and watched the ladies do the dishes. He saw that now and then Margreet looked uncertainly up at Annerieke. She would have to gain a lot of experience with his mother before she would feel free, really free. And a lot of healing inside… that was most needed.

“Annerieke, about earlier…” Margreet started hesitantly.

Annerieke interrupted her: "You can tell me Margreet, but you don't have to feel obliged."

“Okay… I think I'd really like to tell you. I may really need your help in the near future.”

She told what had happened that afternoon, how Huib had helped her with it. She told about her decision to cut off contact with her parents and what Huib had said about healing from her soul, and about his own process some years ago.

Huib interrupted her: “Don't forget the special cake the moment I turned out to be healed. I'm looking forward to your party!"

Annerieke laughed out loud, turned around with a hand full of soapy water and threw it at her son. “Outrageous feasting beast!!” she laughed, and gave Margreet a pat on the shoulder: “I'm glad you dare to be open about it, really brave of you! In the meantime, I will think about how we can help you with it the best, because it can be quite difficult at times, as you have just experienced. I'll let you know.”

To chapter 19. Margreet gets stuck with her knitting pattern

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