Chapter 55.

So much pain

She had just finished it, when she heard voices in the hallway below. She recognized Huibs voice, and heard Anton respond. She quickly went down the stairs and greeted them. She wrapped her arms around Huib and gave him a firm kiss. "How nice that you're here again! Did everything go well?"

"Yes, we didn't see Henk again, and Lisa had quickly grabbed everything together. We'll take that to where she wants it after lunch. Let's eat first."

As he spoke, he stroked her cheek. "Honey, I love you!"

Margreet chuckled, "I love you too...a lot a lot a lot!"

Laughing and embracing they entered the kitchen. Annerieke had already finished the cake; it was cooling on the counter. She had set the table for seven people, because Lisa, Anton and Joke would also come for lunch.

Sjaak looked at the food on the table. Cheerful he asked Annerieke: "Haven't you set the table wrong? Cake for lunch, isn't that a better idea?" With that he broke the slightly tense atmosphere.

Margreet, however, felt in herself the tension quickly rise again. She sighed, "Shall I share now, about this morning?"

Everyone looked at her seriously.

She noticed how difficult it was to tell honestly what happened in the bathroom. It confused her for a moment, then she decided to just tell it chronologically.

Actually, there wasn't much to tell, but the impact was great. Huib pushed his chair back with a jerk. Furious he was!

Before he could say anything, Margreet saw that Lisa cringed. Margreet put her hand on Lisa's, as if to protect her. She understood Huibs reaction, but felt sorry for Lisa too.

Huib was getting in the way of himself through his anger and became even more confused when he saw Margreets gesture to Lisa.

"Sorry Lisa, I'm not mad at you, but what Henk did here... Margreet... I..."

Huib snapped and dropped to his chair. There was nothing to hear that he was crying, but his shoulders shook. Margreet went to him, put her head against his cheek and put her arms around him.

"Honey, everything turned out fine, it's over and I feel good."

Huib pulled his handkerchief from his pocket and noisily blew his nose. "I can see that you weren't hurt, not physically, but damn, what does it do to you emotionally?

With me, at least, a lot! I love you so much, I just can't have it, anyone coming after you that way! Sorry, I'm just so freaked out! You... you are my everything... he should have kept his dirty hands off you!"

Margreet comforted him, "You're absolutely right about that. I also hate it when someone hurts you. Henk did, he hurt you too, by his words. When he was gone, I went back to work upstairs. My thoughts went back to what had happened, I felt the fear, that fear came up again and again. And even more I felt such tremendous anger at what he had said about you, I was angry as hell! Damn, if he only knew, how you treat me! That has nothing to do with what he did! I felt so strongly at that moment, that he smeared you with his words! He made you into a vulgar guy, a guy who used me. Disgusting!"

Where Huib had calmed down, Lisa experienced the exact opposite. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She pushed her chair back, intending to flee. However, before she could get out the door, Joke had stood up, put her arms around her and laid Lisa's head against her shoulder. She stroked her hair and whispered something in her ears. No one but Lisa alone could hear it. It took a while, but eventually it calmed her down.

"Come, sit back down, please stay with us, you belong with us." Joke led her back to her seat with gentle pressure. Lisa looked at the people around her with a tearful face and red eyes. They all nodded at her, and Annerieke confirmed what Joke had said, "That's absolutely right Lisa, what Joke just said, you belong with us. And your tears touch us, precisely because you belong with us. We here, as we are together, are more than friends, we are family, do you understand?"

Lisa nodded faintly, "I think I understand what you mean, but I don't really know what to think about it yet. Family doesn't evoke a nice feeling in me yet. Family has never been a good friend to me."

"Oh, I totally recognize that," Margreet confirmed her, "but you will come to experience what a real family, a good family is. Because that's what we are here!"

Lisa smiled at her and looked around the circle, "Thank you all, I will try to believe that it will all be okay... I found it difficult for a moment Margreet, that you said Henks words made Huib a vulgar guy, and that he had used you. I understand you, and in retrospect I see that he is like you described him, and that realization is painful. The way he grabbed you this morning, the way... well, that’s the way he always did with me. I didn't know any better, I often saw my father do it like that with my mother, and she never complained about it, so I thought it was normal, that it was the way it should be. That's why I always let him do it. But now I know it is not right, that he took advantage of me. How it should be different, how it would be right... I have no idea, but now I feel that how he did it with me was humiliating. It was good that you said it like that Margreet, really, the truth suddenly dawned on me because of that." She sighed and stared ahead.

Everyone remained silent, well aware of the seriousness and intensity of the situation.

Then Lisa called herself to order and turned to Annerieke, "On a different note Annerieke, about that attic room, does it cost as much as the room we rented last week?"

Annerieke shook her head, "No girl, I'm not going to charge you rent for that, there's no need. It's just a place for you to unwind, to start doing the things that are really necessary right now. And we hope you will heal well here from everything you've been through. I don't know how long you will need, but at least we want to give you that time. For the first time being, I would like to recommend that you do above all what is necessary for you, what is right for you. And I also hope that you will experience this house as your home, at least for the time being. If you want to change something in the attic, go ahead, speak out if you think that is necessary, but in any case make it really your room. Margreet quickly discovered the thrift store when she came here, and when you were gone this morning, she already indicated that she would be willing to show you around there, if you feel like it."

Lisa sighed deeply, it was all so much for her. She had never experienced so much warm cordiality before. "I don't know what to say for a moment. Yes, thank you, all of you, it's just so much, and so new to me. I think it would be nice Margreet, to go to that store together sometime. I have no idea yet what I would like to buy, but maybe just look around there first?"

"That’s fine, it's a nice store, I've just been there, I bought a box full of glass vases, for the guest rooms and for the window sills down here. And a few extra, so if you want some of those too, it's no problem, there are plenty of them. I want to cut some more branches of Hydrangea this afternoon to put in those vases. And oh, I also came across two beautiful large vases, exactly the colors of those Hydrangea flowers, lilac and blue, so cool. When the flowers are finished blooming, I will hang them upside down to dry them, and then I want to put them in those big vases. You can then find the color they no longer have themselves in the vases."

"How nice Margreet! Where do you want to put those big vases?" asked Annerieke.

"I already put one in the hall, in that empty corner. I guess it won't be in the way. And the other one is on the landing upstairs, in that empty corner next to the work closet."

"Well say, that's cool, just those two places I always thought were so bare, so not cozy." Annerieke stood up and looked outside the door for a moment. "Oh yes, amazing Margreet! That one is really beautiful! Well Huib, I'd like you to pay back the total amount from the business account to Margreet. And don't you think Margreet should have a card from the business account? Then she can just pay these things straight from our business account."

Huib nodded, but Margreet looked open-mouthed from one to the other. "That's not necessary, is it? It hardly costs anything over there, I'm happy to pay that myself. After all, it was my idea too..."

"Yes," Huib said, "that may be true, but by what you buy there for a trifle, you do improve the atmosphere in the guesthouse. And that's why it's a prize for the business account, understand?"

"Yes, I do understand," Margreet replied perplexed, "my mind does understand, but then it feels as if I'm driving you to expense, something like that, and I don't want that."

"Very well, your feelings still need some pricking, but what you bought was meant for the boarding house, so the boarding house pays for it!"

Huib wanted to get up, but changed his mind, "What do we actually want do to the police? Margreet, do you want to file a report or a special police report to persecute Henk? And Lisa, what do you want?"

Lisa immediately responded, "I certainly think Margreet should at least make a report, and I would like to go with you, Margreet, to confirm your story and discuss with the police what I myself can do best."

Margreet nodded, "I'll call them and ask if we can drop by there early in the afternoon on Monday. Does that seem like a good idea to you?"

"Fine, I don't have a work list now anymore, so I can go with you every minute!"

"Oh, a work list!" Margreet groaned. "Did you have one too? I had one too, and I even had one in my head this morning. Rotten work lists, they always hounded me! Although I have to say that this morning I was able to handle it a little better. I was able to work smoothly through and bombard hunted feelings flat every time. And in the end, I had an hour left over for the thrift store. But work lists, in theory I've banished them. Not that they always stick to that... they recur in my mind on a regular basis."

"That makes sense," Anton thought, "deep down, you have a kind of work list here too. You know what you have to do every morning. So to have those tasks as a kind of list in your head, is not bad, is actually only helpful."

"That's true," Annerieke came up with, "only that to-do list shouldn't be a rigid frame in which you feel confined. For example, you can always take the space to step out of it if you need to, or ask for help."

"I know that," said Margreet, "there is actually only one thing I would like to get rid of with that work list: I no longer want to rush myself. I always see you working here relaxed, not sluggish, just smoothly, but without tense. And that's what I still miss, a constant relaxation in working. I still rush myself regularly."

Joke recognized this: "That eventually goes away by itself. There is something behind it, behind the rushing, something inside, that has to heal first, and then it will change automatically. Then you get more and more relaxed." She nodded at her tellingly, "I know damn well from experience what I'm talking about."

"And so do I," Anton chuckled, "not with myself, but with Joke, I've seen how it was, and how she changed and how she is now. Even the writing of her book, I've secretly watched her as she worked on her book. At first she was terribly tense, frenetically typing, but now she does it almost completely relaxed. She's just having a good time. Right Joke?"

She smiled happily at him, "Thankfully so, and because of that I'm enjoying it a lot more now than I did in the beginning!"

Lisa looked from one to the other. "So... if I understand correctly, there is still hope for me?"

They all burst out laughing at her dramatic tone, which was part real and part played.

"Definitely dear girl!" Anton stood up and gently squeezed her shoulders for a moment. "Joke and I will stay for another week, and then we'll go home, but in a few months we'll come back and stay here again, here in our second home, and then we'll see how you've changed by then, I promise you! It goes by itself, just listen to yourself, to what you really want. Learn to feel and take some extra rest when you go through pain and sorrow. Pamper yourself and let your family pamper you here. Then one day you will see..."

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