With a glass of tea, Marieke walked into the garden, their beautiful, large, flowery garden. It was still too early in the year to expect butterflies yet. She adored butterflies, they were so surprising in the way they flew, they could whirl so nicely in their flying trips, seemed to feel so free.

When she had met Johan again, after not seeing him for years, he had remembered how she herself was like a butterfly. She smiled at the memory of the beautiful, colourful bouquet he had brought for her when he first stepped into her house here. The saleswoman had made a cheerful butterfly out of ribbons and placed it on top. And Johan had had such a click with that, because he remembered her as a bright, happy butterfly.

Incredibly, that was only a year ago. The fire between them, which had seemed completely extinguished, had flared up to volcano level during that one encounter. Johan had not left since, had gone to his house every day after work hours to pick up more stuff and had finally moved the last things he needed and sold the rest. He had also sold his house and moved in with her permanently. And they had both never regretted that for a second!

Johan was busy for his work as a judge. Nowadays, he was committed only to women who had been sexually abused, forced into prostitution or otherwise been sex slaves of men. He had gained notoriety around the world, especially among colleagues and lawyers, but also increasingly among the 'ordinary' civil population. Because he could no longer handle the correspondence soon after the court cases he had done for Lisa, with which it had all started, the court where he worked had decided to allow Marianne, the general secretary, to work full-time for Johan. Marieke was happy about this, because she knew that Marianne understood Johan and his principles around abused women, sensed them, and in addition had gone through a deep process of inner healing herself, and understood how powerful it was to fight as a unit, one of soul, against those crimes done to women. She had a great way of dealing with the overload of correspondence, did so practically, but above all with an inner conviction, from her heart. The fact that Marianne was near Johan all day, and that they got along so well, had never bothered her. She had sometimes thought about the subject of jealousy, but had been able to laugh it away sincerely, because she knew that she was the only one who had won Johan's heart completely, that their lives belonged to each other.

And now they were expecting their first child, later when autumn would begin. She stroked her belly with her free hand as she took another sip of tea. She thought back to the morning when Johan had suddenly put his hand on her belly. She had looked at him questioningly when he had asked how she was doing.

"I think, no, I am sure, that you are pregnant," he had said declaratively. "Last week, when we made love, I felt a jolt, and I saw an explosion from which all butterflies sprang. I know, it's a silly story, but I know it's true."

That Johan... since they were together again, he had lived so ardently from his soul, she had been sure his silly story was true. That very day, she had known from within herself that they would have a girl, and that she would be a free spirit as she herself was. A happy butterfly!

Yet Marieke had not been feeling very happy these last few days. The question of what to do with her work for her own private security company had surfaced, and had not gone away. And she found that strange, she had always enjoyed doing it, and so many women worked even when they had young children. Surely she could do the same?

However, the question kept coming back, and for a long time she had not known what to do with it. Should she give up her job to take care of their child? Was that necessary? Was that better? She couldn't figure it out, and brooded on it. She hadn't talked to Johan about it yet, actually she wanted to figure it out a bit herself first, find out what was behind those questions.

And this morning it had suddenly dawned on her and she was glad she had a day off today so she could think about it further. She had dreamt last night about something that had happened in her childhood. Her father, owner of a large and well-run business, had been threatened, seriously threatened. She had seen his bravery and especially felt his fear through it. His desire to protect his family and his uncertainty whether he would be able to do so. His children needed to go to school, but were they safe there and along the way? No, absolutely not! He feared that the people who threatened him would target his wife and children. He forbade his wife to go shopping herself, had everything delivered at times when he himself was at home. He took the children to school and picked them up. He informed the teachers, experiencing that they found him overprotective. So from them he did not have to expect much support. It had been eating away at him, until the moment the police, through the evidence of the threats, had been able to catch the perpetrators. After those months of tension, he had been a wreck and it had taken months for him to get rid of his worst fears. He had tried to just be the husband and father he had always been, but her mother and brothers and sister had felt he had not really managed. None of them had blamed him, but it had been hard.

That nightmare had brought all the tension of the time back into her in all its ferocity. Apparently, she had not lost the misery of so long ago! And she noticed, that this tension of her childhood mixed with the question of why she arranged security for other people. She knew, through security she was trying to get a grip on the danger that threatened people, trying to gain control over it. With the best of intentions of course, for the people who were threatened, but deep down it seemed to be stuck on the miserable period she had experienced as a child.

With a deep sigh, she turned and walked back into the house. Was it safe to close the garden door without locking it? Was it better to leave the windows only on the small tilt position or could they be left wide open?

Mentally, she knew that no one was threatening her at the moment, unless men who knew they were in danger of being dragged into Johan's court by the women they were currently abusing, but who might wriggle free of them... unless those men wanted revenge in advance. She knew that their home address was not really public, but a bit of clever guy, could figure out where Johan lived just fine. They only needed one, one such guy who would want to harm them....

The thoughts were spinning through her head, the fear that she would no longer be safe, the need for protection, all the uncertainties, all the questions, all the possibilities about what could go wrong... Had it to do with her pregnancy? Had she become hypersensitive because of it?

She didn't really believe it was a matter of hormones. She did realise, though, that as an expectant mother, she soon wanted to protect her child, and she didn't know if she could manage that sufficiently herself.

With a bang, she smashed her tea glass into the sink, where it shattered into shards. Marieke grabbed her head with both hands and cried out. Without words, she screamed out her anger at the injustice, and her fear of insecurity. She ran out of the kitchen and dropped onto the sofa. She cried, wildly and desperately....

.

Even though his working day was not over yet, Johan had the feeling, the urgent feeling, that he needed to put his things away, and go home. While he was busy tidying up, Marianne knocked on the door and entered the room at his "Come in!".

"Johan, I don't know what it is, but I have a feeling you should go home. I don't know anything else, but I have this impression. Feel free to go!"

"Thank you, Marianne, I had the same feeling, which is why I am tidying up. Onward tomorrow, and if there's anything going on that prevents me from being here tomorrow, I'll let you know!"

"Of course, give my regards to Marieke, and if you have a chance, I would love it if you let me know if everything is OK."

"I'll try! Thanks for your compassion!"

Briefly, he put his hand on her shoulder and left the court.

.

The moment he stepped into their house, he heard Marieke crying, crying uncontrollably. He threw his bag under the coat rack and hung his coat just beside the coat hook so that it fell to the floor, left that for what it was, and went into the living room. There he saw his sweetheart lying on the sofa, crying, completely upset. He walked quietly over to her, calling her pet name 'Vlinnie' over and over again, just until she rose slightly and looked at him with desperate eyes.

He sat down next to her and pulled her into his lap, pulling her close to him. "Vlinnie girl, what happened?"

Marieke started sobbing again, as she replied with difficulty, "Nothing... nothing... happened... just... broken glass... in the kitchen... I... I'm... so scared!"

Johan decided not to do anything about the glass yet, not to go and see how serious it was, nor to ask further. Whatever Marieke was going through, she needed shelter with him. He laid his head against her hair. Unbelievable how his happy butterfly had suddenly turned into an anxious girl. Who or what on earth had caused this?

When she finally calmed down a bit, she started talking with a sob here and there in between. She talked about those questions that had come up, days before, questions and thoughts about her work in security. And about her dream, about what she had experienced as a child and how she and the family had been through it, had experienced it, how she had felt, had felt how scared and insecure her father had been in those months of threat.

"All the fear came out so violently! Johan, I am unable to protect our child if someone wants to harm us. I don't believe, despite my training and experience, that I will be able to do that. Maybe I am, but I am just afraid someone will do something to her. To her, or to you, or to me..."

Johan sighed, somewhere relieved that there had been no actual attack or anything like that, and replied, "That might just be the case, that you won't be able to do that, or that I won't be able to manage it. But that's not really what this is about. It's not about whether you and I can do it. It's about your fears from before, about the misery you went through then. Your father did everything to protect you, but he couldn't do anything against the fact that all the fear and insecurity took root in you like woundedness. Could it be, Vlinnie, that you sided with security to exert control over threat?"

Marieke nodded: "I had just come to that conclusion too. And I still don't know what to do with it. Those questions about whether I should continue with my security agency... I just don't know any more."

"And that's totally okay. I think you would do well to call in sick for a while. Not that I think you're sick, but because from the anxiety that's coming up now, you probably can't really do your job very well."

Marieke nodded, hesitantly, because she hated not being strong and confident. When she expressed that, Johan chuckled, "It doesn't suit you either, you are strong and confident, but that trauma of months of misery has knocked you off balance. As you go through those fears and insecurities over the next few days, which will certainly not be a party, you will only come out stronger and more confident. Your real self will emerge more, just like with me when you broke down my walls, remember?"

Marieke smiled in love. "Do you think I will ever forget that day? It was the first most beautiful day of my life! And after that there have been other most beautiful days, and when this sweet girl is born, that will be another most beautiful day of my life. It's so double Johan, my life with you is so wonderful, and right through that I feel so badly miserable today!"

Johan kissed her face wherever he could touch her. "I understand, darling, I feel for you, but I can't take it from you. You will have to go through it yourself, and then you will be able to enjoy to the full again. And then you will also know with more certainty whether you want to continue with security, or seek something else."

"I wouldn't know what..."

"Neither would I, but your soul knows, and will tell you in time. Let it go, you'll probably suddenly get one of those 'Aha feelings', and then you'll know with great certainty."

Marieke smiled and gave him a gentle kiss on his lips. "What time is it anyway, I haven't done anything about dinner yet."

"Plenty of time, I came home earlier. I felt I should be here, even Marianne felt it, she came to warn me to go. You just keep lying down, get some rest, and I'll take care of dinner. What were you planning to cook today?" he asked as he walked towards the kitchen.

"Watch out!" cried Marieke, "in the kitchen there is glass on the floor. Wait, I'll clean it up, it's my fault after all."

Johan was back with her in seconds, grabbed her by her arms and pushed her back into the sofa. "That fear is to blame, if you insist on blaming something or someone. Now just sit or lie back for a while, I'll clean up and then I'll cook. Did you have anything in mind?"

"Yes, chicken breast, already marinated in the fridge, and I had thought of rice with some onions and a tin of pineapple. The rice separately, the onions separately, only adding bits of pineapple at the end, and the chicken breast separately. So in the end, three pans."

"Sounds delicious, and not difficult, so that's going to be totally fine!"

Marieke lay back down, hearing Johan busy in the kitchen with dustpan and brush and a moment later with pans. She smiled, delighting herself with the fact that both Johan and Marianne had sensed that she needed Johan here. And as important as his work was, for himself and for society, he had chosen her. New tears surfaced, dripped on the pillow.

To chapter 51. New discovery

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