In the evening, after coffee, Margreet decided to start with her vest. She picked up the sweater she wanted to use as an example and placed it on her bed. She looked at it, her head tilted… how was she supposed to handle this? She had always worked from an existing pattern, so all she had to do was follow the description. Usually that went pretty well, but not always the pattern turned out to be a good fit. Sometimes the model just didn't suit her. But she knew this sweater looked good on her, she really liked it herself. So it should be a perfect base for a vest. The vest should only be longer, and should be open at the front, so she could make a closure on it.

She daydreamed for a moment. Of course she didn't have any buttons yet. What kind of buttons would fit with this? All sorts of shapes, sizes and colors passed through her mind, down to wooden toggle buttons, but she still didn't click with anything. Oh well, never mind, she thought, that will come later. First she just had to piece together the pattern!

On paper she made a rough drawing of what she thought it should be. She decided to take the measurements of her sweater and put them in the drawing. Then the length of the front and the back, along her body. Nice idea, but it didn't work. Her tape measure was long enough on its own, but dangled from her shoulder in all directions. She had better ask Annerieke about it tomorrow, if she would like to help with it.

Would the back and front be the same length? She started on a new paper, sketching a back and a half front. If Annerieke wanted to measure them both tomorrow, she could write the measurements directly in those sketches.

The sleeves, which didn't seem to be a problem, would be the same as on her sweater. She drew a sketch of a sleeve that was open, the length seam hadn’t yet been sewn. She knew from experience what such a drawing looked like. She measured the different sizes of the sleeve of her sweater and wrote them in her drawing.

Then she stared in despair at the sleeve cap on her sketch. It seemed an impossible task to make a description for the sleeve cap herself. She did remember that after the widest part of the sleeve she first had to decrease a few more stitches, then a little less and then a little more and then cast the stitches off. But how many stitches per needle? How was she supposed to divide the total number of stitches between the needles of the head?

It flew to her! You see, she couldn't do this at all! An impossible task! How could she have imagined that she would do that herself? She threw the sweater on the dresser, the drawing, the pencil and the measuring tape next to it. She held her head with both hands. By now the tension in her head had increased so enormously that her head seemed to be on the verge of bursting. She groaned, growled…

.

Annerieke knocked on her door. Since Margreet didn't answer, but the sounds she was making were audible on the other side of the door, Annerieke decided to go inside. She saw Margreet standing with her back to her. So her feeling had been right, the feeling she'd had in the kitchen, that she should stop by and see Margreet before she went home.

“Margreet, it's me, Annerieke,” she said softly. She put her hands on Margreets hands. For a moment Margreet was startled, but slowly but surely she began to relax and the more she relaxed, the more the tears welled up. She was ashamed, she didn't want to cry, to be childish in front of Annerieke. She blinked and swallowed violently.

“Let your tears go, dear girl, they'll cleaning up for you,” Annerieke whispered, gently turning Margreet around. She pulled the young woman against her, caressed her back.

For a while it was almost silent. The tears flowed, her body shook. Then Margreet took a few deep, trembling breaths and began, with fits and starts, to tell what she had been doing. She told of the things she had encountered and pointed to her sketches..

Annerieke nodded understandingly, "If this is the first time you are going to do this, it is quite difficult. And because you have grown up in a system of control, it is even more difficult. You're completely stuck in your thinking because of how you were raised, and you're emotionally broken as well. In order to outline your own pattern and make the description, you need the ability to think freely, at least a lot more freely than you are now. But if I can help you, I'm sure we'll figure it out together. That tension you just had in your head will come back even if we do it together. That is unpleasant, but on the other hand it is good. Every time we do this we are one step closer to healing. Really, I know from experience. I struggled so much the first few times I made knitting patterns and sewing patterns. I was so glad Erik was there! He always helped me through it, just by being there." A smile appeared on her face. "He sat with me, silently listening to his inner voice, the voice of his soul. Sometimes he would ask me something, sometimes he would give a hint. Or he would hold my measuring tape for a moment, show me a small change. He helped me tremendously with that. And you know what? If you're okay with me helping you..." She saw that Margreet nodded eagerly... "then for me that's going to bring a little bit of healing in my grief for Erik's passing. Cool right? That's how we help each other heal!"

Margreet put her hands on Annerieke's arms. She squeezed them gently. "Yes, that's how we help each other. You see, it was right what we all felt, that I should come here... is that fate, do you think?"

"Yes, you could call it that. I prefer to describe it myself as this, that souls that belong together are drawn to each other. Our souls know that we belong together in some way, that we have connection with each other, real connection. I'm happy with it, Margreet!"

Annerieke gave Margreet a kiss on her forehead before she continued: "Shall we take those measurements? If you feel like knitting a test piece of ten by ten centimeters in the stitch you want to use, we will make the calculations tomorrow."

Because Margreet nodded, Annerieke took the measuring tape. Margreet straightened up. Annerieke took the measurements they still needed and pointed out where Margreet could write them in the sketches.

Margreet felt a lot better, just a little fuzzy in her head. When she told that, Annerieke said: "I don't know exactly what happens in our bodies during these kinds of situations, but I've always explained to myself that everything has to find a new place, because a hook has been pulled out."

"A hook? What kind of hook do you mean?” Margreet asked in surprise.

Annerieke tried to explain: “Because we are stuck in all kinds of beliefs, things have become stuck. I always see that as fish hooks on a line. Around that and in between are tons of emotional injuries, and those hooks create injuries too of course. If your soul is going to loosen such a fish hook, or maybe even a few fish hooks, there is often pressure in that place first, you have just felt that. This pressure makes it easier to release the hook. As if the hole he had been in is being pushed open a bit by that pressure. I don't know if it's true, but this is how I've always experienced it and explained it to myself. So that tension that you just felt in your head is that pressure that was increased. A hook was released, and the wound there can now heal. But it still seems as if all those other fish hooks have lost their place for a while. They were connected, entangled in each other, and now that one is gone, the others have to shake their shoulders again to get to a good place. Something like that…”

Margreet laughed about it: “It sounds very silly, but it does feel the way you describe it. So at the very least it will make sense! However… there are even more hooks?” She pulled a dirty face.

When Annerieke confirmed that, she said: "So that's why I'm going to feel that nasty tension even more often... Bad, it felt so bad, I really thought I was going crazy!"

“Yes,” Annerieke confirmed, “it also feels that way, as if you are no longer on track at all. I screamed the first time, I'll never forget that, I screamed that I was ready for an institution! After a few times you will realize through the experience that it is really necessary and that it is really good. Each time a step further in your healing, each time you become a little more who you actually already are inside.”

“Huib called me a flower bud with a lot of cheerful colors that was overgrown and therefore could not open.”

Annerieke smiled: “He saw that correctly. In the few moments that you relaxed with us, I could see a bit of it. Even though that bud is still closed, it seemed like I was allowed to see something inside of what that flower was meant to be, what you were meant to be… and whatever you will become! It's only a matter of time, and it will cost you quite a bit, but you don't have to go through it on your own. We stand next to you and behind you. We are happy that we can continue that process with you!

Well, we now have all sizes on paper. Leave that here and we'll try to find time tomorrow to continue with it, make a pattern description. Oh yes, if you are going to make that test piece, will you write down the number of stitches and needles?”

Margreet nodded: "I'll do that, it's not that late yet, so I can do that." She hugged Annerieke: “Thank you Annerieke, I'm so happy with you. I am so happy to be able to live and work here. It really does feel like a new beginning in a new family!”

Annerieke kissed her on her forehead. “I'm happy with you and with this situation, we're going to make something of it together! Are you taking it easy with your sample? Even if it's just a sample piece of knitting that you're going to pull out afterwards, it's still important that you enjoy knitting, that you enjoy being busy. Would that work?"

Margreet chuckled: “I've always seen a test patch as a necessary evil and have always knit it just as quickly so I could get on with the real work.”

“That’s very recognizable too, that's how I always did it, until Erik went through that phase of healing with me, when I learned to enjoy everything I did, simply because focusing on the end product became less important. I felt more and more that it was really just about what I was doing, how I was doing it. And in the end it was also nice to see the result of what I had done. But it was no longer about the result in the first place. And that actually applies to everything I do. Cooking and baking also takes time, but now that I can enjoy every part of it, it doesn't matter anymore that it takes me a few hours every day. Work doesn't feel like work anymore when it really is your hobby and you are healed of all kinds of things that have always been intertwined with your life. Speed, perfection and that kind of misery!”

“Oh yes… I think I still have a way to go!” sighed Margreet.

“That's right, assume that it will take more than a year. But that's not a bad thing, you will also notice that you become more and more yourself. That flower bud of yours will slowly but surely open itself, spreading happiness and fragrance. And you will be the first to enjoy it! But hey, I'm going now, otherwise we both won't get around to what we still want to do. I'm going to hang out on the couch with a nice book. That's a wonderful ending to this special evening! Have a good night, Margreet, I'll see you tomorrow!"

“Have fun with your book, and good night to you too, sleep well! Bye!"

Annerieke closed the door behind her, while Margreet stayed behind with a happy feeling. She felt relieved, despite the prospect of a lengthy process with tension and pain. She took her knitting needle tube and chose knitting needles number four. She looked at it with a titled head. What do those numbers actually mean? Is number four just four millimeter thick? She placed one of the needles across her measuring tape. Indeed, four millimeter… She smiled, because she experienced it as beautiful that this question and its answer had just occurred to her. She hoped she would experience such spontaneous impressions more and more.

She took a ball of wool from the box she'd put at the bottom of her wardrobe and began to put on stitches. She wondered which stitch she was going to use. She had always knitted in stockinet stitch, but she wanted to try something different. She decided to start using the seed stitch, knit one, purl one, and the next row reverse over it, so that the ball of the purl stitch in one row comes on top of the smooth edge of the stitch below. She did know the result, all little balls, like millet grains.

Something else popped into her mind. She had always started with the ribbing stitch, it was the way it should to be. That rib stitch kept the bottom edge from curling up.

But now she was considering whether it could be any different with the seed stitch. She decided not to use a rib stitch and just wait and see. If the bottom edge did curl, she would knit a strip and sew it against the bottom edge. That would weigh down the vest just a bit. She expected it to hang well.

As she started to knit on the test piece she became aware that this was totally new, that she envisioned this sort of things, that she saw how she could come up with something completely different to make the vest the way it looked to her. She laughed about it: who would think of making such a border at the bottom? She had never heard of it! And yet… it had just come to her mind out of nowhere, very clearly! Margreet was glad about it, this was probably another one of those thoughts that had sprung up from her soul.

More! She longed for more! And intuitively she knew there was much more to come!

To chapter 20. How to proceed

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