'What suits me?'

'What do I really like?'

'What would I like to do for the rest of my life? '

Or as Olivia said it: 'What would I like to lose myself in all day?' Not really lose myself in it, of course, but in a manner of speaking....

Katja was unable to fall asleep, as her thoughts kept wandering around these questions and also around the memories of Koos and Olivia, of the deep pain she had gone through. How intense that was! But even though she couldn't sleep now, she could feel that she was sort of broken open inside. It seemed crazy, to call it that, but it was the only description she could think of to describe the feeling.

If only she knew what she liked as a child... If only she could remember! According to Olivia, those memories would come back naturally as she continued to heal emotionally. But when?

Katja thought of the doll they had given her. The doll she would bring to Bianca tomorrow, asking if she could sew a dress for it that really suited her, both the doll and herself. Could Bianca see that, be able to sense that?

She had seen the pictures Bianca had posted of her work on the gallery website. Nice photos that showed well how the dresses looked from all angles. She also knew about the huge prices she was asking for them and that Bianca herself found that difficult, but that she understood Huib and Ilse's reasoning. All the work that went into it, all those hours... and the fact that it was art, that her art came straight from her soul. Bianca had said that that money thingy was another little problem of an emotional wounding. 'Just like with Olivia, who thought those 3D glasses were too expensive for her, like she wasn't worth it,' Katja thought, chuckling. Would she suffer from that herself? She knew that that doll dress was going to cost her a few hundred euros, but despite not having an excessively full savings account, this felt right. She realised, though, that her parents, the people who had adopted her after she was found abandoned, would think it a waste of money. Somehow she had always carried that thought with her, but apparently it had not become such a deep wound to herself. She was always mindful that she was careful with her money, but if she was sure, as with the doll's dress, that she wanted to buy something, she did. Deliberately, but not skimpily or choosing out of fear.

Katja stood up. Staying in bed while her thoughts whirled around, she thought, was three times nothing. She decided to make a big glass of tea and then maybe browse the internet. She switched on the laptop and started making tea.

Even though it was dark and she couldn't sleep, she felt grateful, thankful and happy with this little house. It wasn't big, but big enough for now. Later, when she knew what she wanted, she would see further. And so she came back to the big question, what actually suited her, what she really wanted to do....

.

The next morning, after still having slept for a few hours, she called Bianca. Bianca was just outside hanging the laundry, and after that she would go to her attic room. She was fine with Katja coming over.

So it happened that Katja walked across the estate to the guesthouse with the doll. Lisa, who had had coffee with William at the guesthouse and now wanted to go home again, stood in the drying room talking to Bianca. They saw Katja coming, carrying a doll.

"I think that will be a work assignment for you, Bianca," "Lisa surmised.

"Yes, that's right, she said something like that over the phone. Ha Katja, is that the doll I get to sew for?"

"Yes, that's her! Just a moment, just a quick look at William." She put her hand on Lisa's shoulder: "And say hello to you. Are you doing well?"

"Surprisingly well, we're completely used to the life with this little man around. And physically I'm doing well too," Lisa replied. "But I must honestly say, I do need some more rest, so I'll leave you together for your work meeting. I'm going to take a break at home. So if I do that, I'll be fine. I shouldn't think yet that I can handle everything as well as I did before." Lisa laughed: "And that's fine! I'm going again!"

Katja turned to Bianca: "Nice is that, that she is so adapting to the new situation, also looking after herself and taking the rest she needs. Do you manage that, with your work here?"

Bianca nodded: "It's actually working out quite well. In a way, my sewing is also a point of rest for me. And Julian and I mess around nicely. I mean, he still sleeps enough to do my work here in the meantime. Shall we walk upstairs? Julian is of the right timing, you can hear!"

Bianca grabbed her mobile: "I have an App that comes with the baby monitor, and it reacts as soon as Julian makes a sound."

"Funny, he's jabbering so cute!" laughed Katja.

"That's exactly the right word for it, jabbering. I'd like to know what all he says to himself..."

Upstairs, she opened the room door as she continued talking to Julian.

"Hey guy of mine, what are you all talking about?"

Julian beamed at Bianca, but then looked at Katja frowning as if wondering where she was coming from again.

"I'm a strange bird to you, Julian, where did it fly from now?" asked Katja.

Julian's mouth opened hesitantly until suddenly a bright smile appeared on his face and he started flailing his arms and legs.

Katja shot into laughter: "He's easy to keep cheerful, it seems!"

"Oh yes, he's a lovely little boy. I'm going to change and feed him for a while. In the meantime, feel free to tell me what you came for. I'm sure it has to do with that doll."

"Right yes," Katja said, "I went out yesterday with Ilse to visit a couple who have stayed here before. You know that photo shoot in the living room? Yes? Well, that one is theirs, from Koos and Olivia. Sjaak and Lisa made some clips of their own music and photos of that couple. Koos and Olivia watched and listened to those several times and were, by their own admission, flushed clean inside. Those clips touched them tremendously, made the tears flow and... as a result, something happened inside that made them both now know with certainty what their desire is for the rest of their lives, what they want to do. That has everything to do with computers, so really a little project for Ilse to help them get started with that. I joined her for fun, and I went through a tough process with these people. It was mighty intense, and the trigger was a question from Olivia, which hit me on the gallery site. I said that your doll dresses touched me so much, that you managed to transform these simple dolls into princesses, into... how did I say, oh yes, into the most beautiful girls in the world. And then she said that is so important for all those girls and women who feel ugly and hardly dare to look in the mirror... What she couldn't know was that I am like that too. Looking in the mirror has always been a disaster. I couldn't. And the way she said it, it was like shooting a bunch of arrows into my belly. It hurt, and it started stirring in my gut. Everything was happening, a huge emotional misery, all at once to my senses. Everyone left me alone, I just sat there with my coffee, and in retrospect that was good, I went through it deeply. Nobody interrupted that piece of the process. And then I indicated that I was going to buy a doll, and ask you to make a dress for it. Olivia walked away and came back with this doll. She said they had wanted to get rid of him for a long time, but somewhere they were sure he still had to stay. Well, now he was allowed to leave, with me. And so I came to ask you if you would dress her up with a dress that you think would suit the doll and me. Something like that doll with that dress become a kind of reflection of me. Do you see how I mean it?"

Bianca looked at her, with tears in her eyes. "Yes, I understand it very well. And do you know why I get so emotional? Because of your story, fierce but beautiful, but mostly because I already have the fabric! I was at the thrift shop again recently, saw that fabric and knew I had to take it with me. The same with beautiful thread, both a slightly thicker thread and a thin sewing thread. I took it with the idea that I would see what dress it would be for."

With Julian in a clean nappy on her arm, she opened the cupboard, pulled out the roll of fabric and handed it to Katja. She pulled out a larger bin from the bottom of the cupboard and took out a gold-coloured thread, which was a bit thicker than sewing thread, and from the bin next to it a sewing thread of the same colour.

"Very simple, as I see it before me now. A white dress, and when it's ready, I'm going to make decorations on it with this thread. I can't see exactly what those embellishments are going to look like yet, but that will come. In any case, I am going to make them from that slightly thicker thread, and attach them with the thin one. That white fabric is satin linen, linen in a satin weave, looks quite chic, I think. And that yarn... I don't know what the stuff is."

She sat down and placed Julian at the breast.

Katja quietly stroked the fabric and felt at the golden thread. "Special, it feels a bit rough, looks a bit like raffia, but it's something different. Doesn't matter, it looks nice. White with gold..."

She laid the thread in a swirl on the fabric. "It looks nice on top of each other, simple indeed, but really pretty," she whispered.

"White, because you have no guilt. Beautiful special white, because you are beautiful and special. And gold... because there is gold in you. Gold, real gold, can have a solid form, but if you make it warm, it becomes more and more liquid and you can reshape it yourself. I don't really know anything about you, but somewhere I have a feeling that you want to do something very special, something that also has to do with a material that has a solid form. By heating it, you can shape it differently or even stick it together. And the solid pieces, gosh, they're ugly by themselves, broken, and you're going to turn them into something beautiful, something whole and more beautiful than those pieces could have imagined. Good grief, what am I saying all together? Does that sound like big nonsense to you or do you have a click with it?"

Katja looked at her with eyes as big as saucers and her mouth sagging open. "I remember... I remember... I remember!"

Bianca looked at her dumbfounded and asked what she meant.

"Olivia asked me what I liked to do as a child. I said I hated it so much that I had no memory of it at all. I had repressed that or something, I don't know..."

"And then all sorts of things happened at Olivia's, you hit rock bottom. And now something comes up? A memory?"

"Yes, something really crazy, and it's totally true to what you say. I had smashed a glass dish, shards everywhere on the floor. I swept them together, a toddler I was. I cut my finger, mother angry, I had to be more careful. But I went on, with the bleeding finger in my mouth and the sweeper in my other hand. I grabbed a tray and put all the slightly bigger pieces in it. The rest my mother threw away. She put a plaster on my cut and left me alone. I still don't understand why she didn't take the tray away from me. She must have thought it would teach me not to cut myself again. I didn't do that either, I sat and played with it very carefully at the table. I was fascinated by the sparkles the light made in it, started puzzling with it a bit, sliding it together, partly overlapping it. I then grabbed strong glue and started sticking the pieces together. Yes really, as small as I was. Mother angry again of course, I had spilled a bit of glue. No problem, scribbled it off, but if you knew, you could still see a tiny speck of it. And she knew, had seen me working on it, and so she saw that speck and was angry. Well, so she was that precise, but the shining of that glass, and puzzling with it like that, trying to make something beautiful out of fragments, shards. Do you know what I feel like doing now? To go to the thrift shop and buy all kinds of things made of translucent glass and a safe container to smash them in with a hammer or something. But then I have shards, but I still don't know how to put them together. With that strong glue, it didn't really turn out nice. You talked about making it hot, letting it melt a bit. If it becomes softer, then two pieces could stick together... Boy, I see works of art in front of me, made of glass, built from shards. Like my life, made up of shards that will reassemble nicely as I continue healing, and then the result will be even more beautiful than I can imagine now. I need to start figuring out how to heat corners of that glass so that it melts. And then start trying out how I can melt the corners of two pieces at a time, against each other so that they stick together. I have to think of one of those soldering irons. Could you melt glass safely with that?"

Bianca chuckled: "I don't know about it, but it wouldn't surprise me. Just look it up on the internet."

"I'm definitely going to do that! And make a shopping list! Do you know if there is a hobby shop here in the village? Or a DIY shop?"

"I haven't looked that far," Bianca replied, "but I'm sure Huib can help you with that. He might also know about possible techniques."

"He might, although of course he's always working with wood, which is a bit different from glass!"

Bianca laughed: "Yes, that's true! But another thing that's a bit different... I was already struggling with it. I don't know yet how much the dress will cost, that mainly depends on the hours I work on it. I actually don't even bill the material, it all comes from the thrift shop anyway."

Katja nodded: "I've seen your prices on the website, quite high, but also justified! I already thought about it, and came up with this request anyway, so don't worry about that price. Don't rush it on purpose either, just work like you always do, and make something beautiful again, and I'll be happy to pay you!"

Bianca sighed with relief. "Fine, thank you... really a thingy, you know, that money, not really my thing! But I'll get used to it. When the dress is ready, we'll celebrate, don't you think?"

"Good plan, I'm in!" responded Katja cheerfully, as she stood up. "I'm going home, pre-studying on glassworking!"

Bianca laughed at the posh way she said it. "Do so, I wish you good luck and most of all a lot of fun! I'm going to work on your dress soon. The dress I was working on can wait, I don't have a buyer for that yet anyway!"

"Fun fun fun! I'm so curious!"

With a kiss on Julian's forehead and a brief hug for Bianca, she said goodbye and headed home.

Lisa watched her walk from her living room, and was surprised at the change that had taken place in Katja. It was so visible!

To chapter 43. Katja gets to work

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