Simon had firmly planned to go straight home to get started on the building plans and orders. However, on the way to his car, which was in the parking lot at the guest house, he passed by Annerieke's house. She had the lights on, and vaguely he thought he saw her sitting on the couch. He hesitated... actually he had to get started with those building plans, but he wanted to talk to Annerieke. He decided he didn't want to wait any longer and changed course. He rang the bell and waited...

Annerieke smiled when she heard the bell. Somehow she had expected Simon to come and visit. When Erik was alive, he often stopped by. She opened the front door and smiled at him: "Hi Simon, nice of you to drop by, come on in!"

Simon stepped inside, wiped his feet thoroughly. Annerieke frowned: "Hey, my floor is used to whatever, just walk on!

Simon smiled and followed her into the living room. He did not know what to say. He could hardly tell her that he loved her... never mind, she had only just been widowed, he could hardly overwhelm her now with his own feelings for her, feelings that had been there for so many years, but which he had been unable to act upon because she was already married.

"Fancy some coffee?" Annerieke asked.

"Yeah nice!"

While Annerieke went to make coffee, Simon sat down on a chair, but then remembered that that was always the chair Erik had loved to sit in. He got up again and sat down on the couch. Pfff, he felt like a lovesick adolescent visiting the girl in question for the first time. If only the situation wasn't so awkward. He had been longing for her for so many years. And now she was free, but her bond with Erik had been so special, so strong, that he could not imagine that she would already be over her loss and be able to consider a new relationship.

Annerieke came in with the coffee. "Do you still drink it black?"

Simon nodded, "That you remember that..."

"Ah yes, you came regularly, then something like that does grind in."

Simon felt uncomfortable about her remark. "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner, I found that awkward. You know, if I had been a woman, I would have. Women among themselves, you know... but as a man. I just didn't know how to deal with that. And now, now I was here on the grounds, saw you in the boarding house, and... well, I didn't want to wait any longer. Erik's accident and death must have taken its toll, you had such a special bond. How are you doing now?"

"Nice to hear that you have experienced the same, about our relationship. And yes, it has been really black the first week, I can't say otherwise. You know, our souls were riveted together, Lisa would say 'like strong magnets'. And then all of a sudden that one is ripped off. That's pure amputation, it felt like I was dying myself, and I also think I was very close to that emotionally."

She noticed that Simon was really listening, and that did her good. He still felt like a good friend, even though he had come just now, after a few months.

"So how did you deal with that? I mean, it's only been such a short time, and it seems like you're doing really well now. And I don't think you're acting out or wearing a mask either, I don't think that would be your way!"

"You got that right, I was used to in the past, but not for years, I just want to be real. If I am angry, I am angry, although I am careful about how I express it to others. If I am sad, then I am sad, and I will not hide that from the people around me. No, the masquerade is long past, fortunately, that only makes you cramped. Being who you are gives freedom and relaxation.

And how I dealt with it... Well, the first week, two weeks... I lived in a daze. We still had guests in the guesthouse, and I stupidly carried on. I must say, the guests were very good to me during that time. They showed understanding, helped with hanging and tidying laundry, vacuuming, incredibly sweet! In the course of that second week I realized that I could not continue in this way. I would become severely depressed. In my free hours here at home, I initially sat down on the couch, eyes closed and began to consciously feel what I was feeling. I allowed it, I let it be there.

After a few days I dared to take some of Erik's clothes from the wardrobe, look at them, hold them up to me and felt what it did to me. Simon, that was hard, but every time I went through his things, it seemed as if another piece of my grief disappeared. After a few weeks I was able to determine what parts of his stuff I could get rid of. I did that by the way in cooperation with Huib, I found that I could not do that behind his back. That boy also had a hard time, besides his own grief he had to take over the business side, the administration of the guest house. That has cost him a lot of time and energy. He had to discover how his father had set up and kept the administration.

And in retrospect he turned out to worry about me pretty much all the time. When I first came to him with some of Erik's things and asked him if he and I could go through them to see if it would be all right for him if I got rid of them, or if he might still want something of them himself, he broke down. He cried and cried. I took him in my arms and cried with him. I noticed even then, that I was crying more for him, for his sadness, for his despair, than for my own loss. Eventually, when he was ready, he sorted out, bit by bit, the things that were still usable, kept some for himself and took some to the thrift store. The rest went into the trash. How does that look to you?"

Simon sighed deeply, mostly to push back his own emotions. "Listening to it purely mentally, I think you've been doing terribly crazy, that you've been going through it this way much too fast. I don't think any psychologist will be able to understand this. But that doesn't matter, I have had enough contact with Erik and you, to know that you lived differently than most psychologists would be able to grasp. And through that I have also received healing, especially through conversations with Erik, but also through being with both of you and observing you... yes really, I did that very consciously, and it has brought me much good... and I have learned to feel more and to listen to myself. And because of that, I can now say about your story, that I immensely admire you for going straight through it so consciously. You knew you would get healing through it, but even then it must have been tough. I'm happy for you that you managed to do it, unbelievable, to deal with such a big loss in such a short time. Very special!"

"I'm glad you believe me, Simon, that really does me good. And how are you in the meantime?"

"Pretty good, although I think I still need to process the fact that I lost a very good friend in Erik. I'm going to try to make time for it, to follow your example. Although I don't have any of his things..." Simon looked frowning, thoughtful.

"You can also think back on what memories come up, write it down if necessary, and in doing so take the time to feel what you feel, to feel what it does to you that it's not only in the past, but that it's not coming back."

Tears welled up in Simon's eyes. "That's my biggest pain, Annerieke, that it's not coming back, that he's not coming back. I miss that guy."

As he was ashamed to show his emotions to Annerieke, he stood up and started pacing. He tried to continue talking so that she might not realize what he was fighting against.

But Annerieke, sensitive as she was, had already figured it out. She got up, went to him, said nothing, but put her arms around him to comfort him. Simon reacted by embracing her too, even though he found that terribly difficult because it inflamed his desire for her so much.

Annerieke noticed, the moment she had put her arms around him, that something happened inside her. Her heart went out to Simon. Was that pity? Or just friendship? Or...

As they stood in each other's embrace, her thoughts shot in all directions. It confused her, she didn't know what to do with this. In that moment it was as if Erik was speaking to her, "You don't have to do anything with it, not yet, maybe later." And her soul and her thoughts came to rest.

She released Simon again. "Would you like another cup of coffee?"

"Would love to," Simon said, emotionally regained some composure, "but I'd better go home. I still have to make the building plans for both of the youngsters' houses, and order the materials. I have already gathered six guys who want to start this job, and they are eager to begin on December 1. Before then, the drawings must be ready and the orders received, otherwise we can't start the work. By the way, I heard from Margreet that you're going to be a grandmother? How do you like that?"

"Nice, very nice! I think it's so beautiful for them, they've only known each other for such a short time, but so intensely well. They're like Erik and I, then you know. And it's the same with Sjaak and Lisa. So yes, I am going to be a grandmother, and I can only be happy about it. I don't feel old, I am a young grandma, I feel energetic and resilient like I did before when I was pregnant with Huib. I can't say anyway else, but I just love the expansion here with Margreet and Lisa, and a baby on the way! Margreet and Lisa are like daughters to me, daughters I couldn't have myself after my surgery. Wonderful right?"

"I'm happy for you, and I love the prospect of enjoying that in the coming months!" Simon smiled.

"You should definitely do that. I like that you're coming to do the job, nice to have you around again for a while. You and the team will come to eat and drink coffee in the kitchen of the guesthouse again, won't you?"

"Very much so, nothing would be better! But it's quite a big club, you know, six men, do you see that?

"Oh well, it's like a lot of tame sheep fitting into a pen..."

"I don't know if they are that tame, but they are nice guys. I've worked with all of them several times, so I know them a little. They know I don't accept flirtation, so you ladies have nothing to fear in that regard either. Although, there is one, a bit of a newcomer, who still has that habit. I'll keep an extra eye on him, because I don't want you to be harassed in such an inferior way."

"That makes me glad, that you want to keep an eye on that. Women shouldn't be treated like that!!! Sorry, that came out pretty fierce, nothing personal towards you, mind you, but there have been some things going on here that are too bad for words. I can't tell you about it, no other than it had to do with serious abuse. So… that’s why..."

Simon was shocked: "What a terrible thing to hear, but all the more reason to remind my team that women must also be respected. Previously I spoke more about 'I don't want you to flirt with women', more as a kind of prohibition, but now I will also address it in substance, about having respect and so on."

"Good idea, thank you! Nice of you to come by, Simon, and thanks for listening so well, it really got to me... See you then, when you go to build!"

Simon put his hand on her shoulder for a moment, "You're welcome, Annerieke, and see you in December." He stepped outside and walked towards the parking lot without looking back.

Annerieke looked after him, with her hand on the shoulder he just had touched…

To chapter 112. Special farewell

Or to the Table of contents