The weather was lovely, although chilly, but sunny. Margreet enjoyed it, and enjoyed the garden, the landscape she walked through towards the big barn. A soft wind blew through her hair and across her face. It felt nice, slightly tingly. She took a deep breath and felt the fresh air flow to her lungs. Halfway there, she stopped for a moment, looked around, took everything in. Just a few more weeks, she thought to herself, then I'll hear whether I can stay here. She didn't want to think about having to go back to her parents' house, about having to apply for jobs again. She knew that the chance of that happening was very small, but still...

She walked on again, knocking on the open door of the large barn so as not to startle Huib. He stood with his back to her, working intense. She decided not to say anything for a while, so he could finish it quietly. It was a nice big table he was working on. The basics seemed to be done, now he was putting on those funny little decorations that she liked so much too in the bookcase at the guest house. Was he going to put that table somewhere in the boarding house too? It would be nice, if all the furniture became a bit like this, a unity of simplicity and light decoration.

Huib stood up and turned around with a happy smile that made his whole face shine open.

"I knew you were coming before I heard you knock," he said. "I don't know how it works, intuition or something, but I felt you coming."

He walked over to her, grabbed her head with both hands and kissed her on her forehead.

"I'm happy with you, Margreet, happy you're here."

In response, Margreet wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head against his chest. Vaguely she heard his heartbeat. She felt him put his arms around her too, hiding his nose in her hair and sniffing it a little.

"What a nice smell you have, did you just wash your hair?"

"Just last night, I was so wide awake, I decided to take my time with it."

"Oh my... I could only just manage to take a quick shower. Actually, I just didn't feel like it, I just wanted to dream about you, you know?"

Margreet laughed softly, "I guess so yes, I'm dreaming a little now too, I think."

"Tell me about last night, about what happened that made you unable to sleep," Huib encouraged her as he held her head against him and ruffled her hair with his fingers.

Margreet thought for a moment about how she wanted to tell it.

"Do you remember when I was allowed to borrow books from Annerieke? I was well into Nora Roberts' third book on my way. Those books are easy to reed, she narrates in a fun way, and she touches me. All those books are about two main characters, people like you and me, people who love each other, and who have felt that connection-click, sometimes even like they felt electricity or fire. So... they love each other, in their hearts they know they belong together, but their minds rebel, make them doubt. That's because of things they've experienced. They feel inferior, or they have bad experiences with a previous relationship, things like that. And I recognize that. My heart doesn't doubt, not about you and not about us together. When we first met, I already experienced something, but I didn't understand it then. And I noticed from the start that I liked you, and that I blossomed open a little bit every time you were near me. I have that with Annerieke too, by the way. At first I thought it was because you just accepted me. And then a thousand thoughts in my head told me that you could accept me, because you didn't know me as I was. That feeling of inferiority surfaced again and again, causing me to be afraid, and I still am, that this wonderful time here will soon come to an end.

And about you and me... In my heart I am sure that you love me, and that I love you. Last night in my room I longed for you, but at the same time all kinds of thoughts came up and made me doubt. And those thoughts had to do with how I think about myself and about the relationship between my parents. I have an idea that maybe they liked each other in the beginning, were in love, but I never saw anything of it, didn't notice anything. And that rut, that coldness, that's what I'm afraid of. I became afraid for you and me, that it might be fantastic now, but in a year, in two years? You mentioned marriage, remember? That's meant to be for life. And that terrifies me! I don't want us to start off madly in love and not be able to see or hear each other after a few years. And the same goes for living together, of course. I'm just afraid that we'll get bored or hurt each other, that we'll end up having nothing to do with each other. And I'm also afraid that I'll break you, just because I'm broken myself.

Well, that's why I couldn't sleep. I made tea and sat down in my rocking chair to read. I recognized again what the main characters were struggling with, their longing for each other, but also the fear of giving themselves over to the other one. That's the same thing, I can't surrender myself to you. I want to, even gladly, but I don't know how.

Before I started reading I had already decided that I didn't want to start a relationship with you for all those reasons, that I would be able to push away those feelings I have for you. But in those books I read how those people decided the same thing, but couldn't pull it off. They could do it for a while, a few days, weeks, but their hearts eventually won out over their negative and fearful thoughts. And at that moment I decided to go back on my first decision. I wanted to follow my heart, give my feelings for you a chance and give you a chance. I longed to get to know you completely, and I hope at this point that we will have a lifetime together, but I do want to be honest with you about my thoughts, my doubts, my fears. And also that I stupidly don't know what it is to entrust myself completely to someone, to trust that it's right, that the other person is right, that it's right for me. Do you know what I mean?"

"Hmmhmm," Huib hummed by her ear, "I think I understand you very well. I'm very fortunate to have had a great example in my own parents, and I think I'll have a great deal of support from them in the time ahead. They have given me backbone, confidence in myself, in who I am. Nothing to be proud of, more that I can be happy with myself, content with myself. But in addition to that, of course, I've seen married couples and starting couples pass through the guest house for much of my life, feeling what you saw with your parents. At the moment there is also such a couple, I just feel sorry for them, they really don't fit together. And sometimes I can get angry with that man, the way he treats his wife, that's just rotten. I feel powerless in that, I would like to help them, but I don't know how. And like them I have seen so many people come and go... So in a way I know both possibilities: a great loving relationship of two real soulmates, but also lousy relationships like you have known from your parents since you were young.

You know Margreet, I think the best thing we can do is what we are doing now. You wanted to share your doubts and your insecurities with me. You should be proud of that! Actually, this action doesn't fit your insecurities at all, but you did it anyway! All I had to do was ask you what was going on last night that kept you from sleeping, and you poured your heart out to me. Brave woman!" Huib pulled her extra close for a moment and gave her a kiss on her hair.

"I know about myself that I don't have much trouble sharing my thoughts with someone I trust, like with my mother, or with Anton, but usually one of them has to take the initiative to ask what I'm thinking about. So at first I keep the mess to myself, but if someone with whom I have a good relationship indicates that he or she feels that something is bothering me, then I dare to open up and tell what's on my mind. I'm telling you honestly, so that you know that if you ever feel that something is going on with me, all you have to do is ask, and there's a good chance that I'll tell you everything like that.

I have an idea for us together. Just living, side by side and with each other, and sharing what bothers us, encouraging each other to do so as well. And before you respond to that, let me tell you this: from our first meeting I saw that you were wounded, that you were terribly unsure of yourself, but from that same moment I experienced a deep click with you, as if a fire was lit within. And I decided that same day that I wanted to do everything in my power to help you. That click I felt on the first day was a soulmate connection. When I realized, that it went even deeper than falling in love and loving, I decided that I don't want to hurt you Margreet, not in any way. I want to love you. I want to build you up, restore you, help you wherever I can. That is my desire, deep down. What do you think, shall we risk it, together, you and I?"

Margreet lifted her head to look at him, "Yes," she smiled radiantly, "yes, I'd love to! I want to go for that, and I'm very glad you want to help me!"

Huib put his hands on her cheeks, kissed her on her forehead. In response, Margreet raised her head a little further, she kissed him on his mouth, and he answered her kiss. Their kisses were soft and tender, touching their hearts. Margreet closed her eyes, a soft moan escaped from her throat. She was enjoying this, still so unfamiliar to her, intense, loving togetherness. Deep inside she knew, with great certainty, that Huib was the only one, the only one who could touch her heart like that.

They looked at each other again, silently. Margreet felt her insecurity trying to get her to lower her eyes, but she wanted to look at him, forced herself to keep looking at him. When it became too much for her anyway, she felt so full that it almost frightened her, she put her head against his chest again. Huib understood, felt, what happened. He had no trouble accepting it. She didn’t run away from him, after all, she decided to stay in his embrace, didn’t she? She needed security, a lot of security....

To chapter 39. A permanent contract and a beautiful desk

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