While Huib helped Marieke and Marianne on their way to get their creations on the digital gallery website via Ilse, Ellen told Alex that she wanted to be alone for a while, that she had had a difficult night and that she probably had to go through another piece of process. She would go for a walk northwards, she would take her mobile for emergencies, then they could reach each other. Alex still weakly asked if he really shouldn't go with her, but deep down he was glad she declined.

"I'll just walk through the village, get a bottle of water, and then walk north."

"I hope you get through it all right, Ellen," Alexander said, giving her a kiss on her forehead. It did not surprise him that she did not respond to that at all, did not kiss him back. Somehow, he knew, she had also noticed what had happened between him and Fiona yesterday.

Ellen fetched a bottle of water and started her walk. She did not realise at first, that she was being followed at a distance. It was only when she sat down on a little wall some distance away that her pursuer approached, coughing so she wouldn't be too startled. Ellen looked up: "Anton? You here too?"

He nodded. "Can I come and sit next to you?"

He did not wait for her answer, knew he had to sit next to her.

Actually, Ellen wanted to be alone, but to Anton she wouldn't say no. Yesterday he had said something about being a father to his staff, and that Rosalie had said he was a good father. And he did feel that way, a real father, a father who listened with his heart.

Well, that's fine then, but Ellen didn't want to talk, so he didn't have to listen. She therefore decided to keep staring silently ahead and not start the conversation in any case. Thus they sat quietly side by side for a while, until Anton made a comment

"That wasn't easy for you, yesterday, that Alex didn't include you in his story. As if you didn't exist for him."

"No, that was painful, especially when I was stupid enough to say something about it."

"Was that stupid?" asked Anton in surprise.

"Yes, you all have those easy relationships, all runs smoothly, but with us, I don't know what it is, but what we had in the beginning seems to have completely subsided in the past year. Alex has gone through a deep process during that period when he was helping out here at The Shelter and so on. Fine for him, but I don't know him back. We both try our best to be nice to each other, but nothing seems to work anymore. It's true, we have such different working hours. When I am busy, he has nothing to do and vice versa. That's not always the case, of course, but it happens a lot. But let me tell you something, Anton, that has been the case throughout our entire marriage, and it was never a problem. We could both have a good time alone, and were happy when we could finally give each other some time. But now that he has changed so much, he can't seem to be happy with me anymore, and I feel redundant at home, while in court I have turned into a firebird. After work, I just collapse at home, because of the emptiness, because it feels to me that he doesn't want me anymore."

Anton nodded, sensing her pain and wishing he knew what to say. He put his hand on hers, and could only say what he felt, "Hard for you Ellen, I feel really hard for you, hard and sad..."

"Yes, and there was something else yesterday, something very strange..."

'Here it comes...,' Anton thought, 'she felt the spark too.'

"I don't know what it was, but Joke and you were talking to this one woman, Fiona is her name, right?"

Anton nodded: "Yes, Fiona."

"We strolled your way, heard her cheers and watched her do a round dance. That was still fun, a funny sight. But suddenly it was like lightning between Alex and Fiona. I could feel it going! I saw that Alex looked bewildered, and that Fiona also looked at him for a moment, and then turned back to you. And I knew, Alex had cheated on me, with Fiona. He didn't seem to have known that she would also be here this week, but she, that bitch, first lured him into her nets and dumbfounded him here, in front of me, in front of my friends. She's a witch, Anton, where else did that lightning spark come from?!"

She looked at him from the side, just saw him chuckle.

"Are you laughing at that?! Don't you realise how painful it was, how painful it still is? Don't you realise that I can throw my marriage in the trash altogether now?"

"Maybe that's the only solution... that you break up."

Bewildered, she looked at him. She did not expect that this man, who was so loyal to his wife, would say such a thing, would agree with her in this.

"Do you really think so Anton?"

"Well, I am not going to tell you what to do, but I would like to try to unravel the muddle a bit. First of all, you told me that Alex had changed because of that deep process he had gone through a year ago. Let me say one thing about that: if he has gone through a deep process, he has become more himself than he was before. In doing so, I am not diminishing who you are, this is just about him for a moment. Before, apparently, his wounds made him behave in a certain way. We all do that, wounds change our behaviour, cause us to not be who we deeply are. So the same thing has happened with him as with you regarding your work, in which you are now even more fiery than before, I suspect especially in the sense of being involved, is that right?"

Ellen thought of Cynthia, the first woman she had defended since going through her process about being gagged.

"Yes, I think of that first woman now, Cynthia, she lives at The Shelter... I roared for her before the trial started, at Marianne's office. I didn't know that about myself, so much pain for her. I always felt sorry for those women, wanted to do everything to give them freedom, but this, no this I did not know, so much anger and pain I felt..."

"Beautiful Ellen, really beautiful! So Alex also had a process and changed as a result. In itself, that change has been for the better for him, but it has changed something between you guys, just as it has for your change. What is becoming clearer through your healings is something I thought I sensed last year, namely that your relationship was based on an attraction from woundedness. Separately, you are kind people who seek the good for others. That was clear to me from the beginning. But I also felt there was a relationship between you that was not a real relationship. If you are attracted to each other from your wounds, the moment those wounds heal, it will become apparent that the basis of your marriage will fall away. And rarely is there a soul connection behind that. You are not soulmates, Ellen. I'm afraid that must feel like I'm piercing you with a sword, but... gosh, in fact it does... I feel like I have to be clear to help you break free of him, like I have to cut you loose from each other. I'm sorry, but this is what I feel is best for both of you."

With tears in his eyes, he looked at her.

"Why are you crying?" asked Ellen.

"Because it hurts me that you are hurting, that both of you are hurting. And because I realise through this, that there are so many people who have entered into that same kind of relationship, a relationship that is not a relationship at its deepest level, because it is based on woundings, habits, beliefs. And that makes living together empty, because there is no real togetherness, no real connection."

They sat silently side by side for a moment, letting the depth of this discovery sink in. Tears came to Ellen too, rolled down her cheeks. To Anton, she was not ashamed of this. She looked at him through her tears and drew her own conclusion: "So the past years, the years together, have been fake..."

Anton looked at her kindly: "I wouldn't call it fake. It was the way it was. You didn't fool each other. You loved each other, in your own wounded way. We have been given an image of love in this society, which doesn't have a whole lot to do with love. I haven't quite figured out myself, how it was meant to be then."

"But you and Joke are each other's soulmate, aren't you?"

Anton was silent.

"When I see you, how you treat Joke, you cherish her! And Joke is a sweetheart, but she seems incapable... Anton, aren't you each other's soulmate?"

Anton looked at her smiling. "No, we are not soul mates. But I know from the depths of my soul, that I want nothing more than to love her. I was just thinking about it yesterday, that it feels like I am her partner to heal her, to take her further, to bring her to herself. And it takes no effort for me to love her. We definitely do have a relationship, so there is a soul connection in a way, but no, she is not THE soulmate for me. And yet I am happy with her. Yesterday, just then, I thought, I hope I don't run into my real soulmate. It would be far too hard for me to drop Joke to be with my real soulmate. As far along as she is in her process, she is far from her core. Yesterday, I heard her say that she does not want to publish her books because she is afraid they are not good enough. I know, her books are good, that there will be enough people who will love them. Her feeling of not being good enough, not being able to do well enough, is getting in her way. On the other hand, I also know that the further she heals internally, the stronger her books will become. Anyway, as for myself, so I know from within, that this is my path, and I am going it with joy, I assure you. Are you keeping this to yourself, anyway? I've never told anyone this before, and I don't think it would do Joke any good if she heard this..."

Ellen nodded. "I don't understand everything, but I feel your genuineness, your sincerity. Joke is in good hands with you. And I immediately relate your situation to myself, but don't recognise anything for Alex and me in your personal story. Our situation seems very different again."

"That's right, you started out in love, in love out of wounding. I went into my marriage differently, I knew I had to make that step. I wasn't in love, though I liked her, and thought she was nice. But the moment I said 'yes' to my inner voice, 'yes' to asking me to take her under my wing, from then on my heart went out to her. As a result, it has never really been difficult. I know that I am helping her on her way to herself, and with that, to something great. I feel like..."

"...that it's bigger than you can imagine right now?" complemented Ellen.

Anton nodded. "Exactly, that's what came to my mind... But back to you for a moment, and especially to Alex. Fiona told me she didn't know anyone from your little group. And I don't have the impression that she lied. She also felt that 'lightning bolt', I saw it in her reaction, but she immediately recovered, she seemed bewildered. I think both Alex and Fiona are sincere, that they have had nothing to do with each other, that they probably met for the first time yesterday. That 'lightning bolt', for you and for me and for whoever else may have felt or seen it, is a sign that there is a tremendously strong soul connection between them. Both for Alex and you, and for both of them, that sword just now was much needed. No, I'm not making a decision for you, I'm not telling you to go and file for divorce immediately next week, but I do advise you, to go through this pain yourself, through the disappointment. Try to express your anger and grief in the wilderness, and not take it out on Alex. He is not guilty, and neither are you. It's purely been that wounding... If you think you can, talk to him about it, but try not to do it from pain. I would be so happy for you if you continue to heal first and then can part ways in a peaceful way, so it doesn't become a fight. But none of that takes away from the fact that I realise this must all go very deep for you."

"Yes, on the one part, it does. But do you know that on the other part it feels like a relief? It's very crazy, on the one side I tend to feel jealousy, but on the other side I would like to move on alone. And then I will still have to go through all kinds of things, I believe that gladly, but I feel I have to let go of him, that it is painful but good, both for him, and for me. And the way I feel now, I think I'm going to tell him that later, and then pack my things and go home, and go through it there myself. It's intense, but also good. Thank you, Anton, Rosalie has been right once again, you really are a good father!"

She wrapped her arms around his neck, hiding her face in his neck. Anton put one hand on her back and put his other hand on her head. He placed a kiss on her hair.

"I'm proud of you, Ellen. And if you want to talk further, call me."

He felt her head nodding in his neck...

To chapter 67. Fiona

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