When Lisa stopped playing and put her violin back on the piano, she saw in the corner of her eye that Sjaak was lying on the couch. He looked at her and when they made eye contact, he stood up. Walking over to her, he wiped the tears from his eyes and down his cheeks.

"How beautiful that was Lisa, so beautiful, and so sad, so full of pain." He took her quietly and gently in his arms, "so full of you, as if your feelings were flowing to me like that on the waves of the music. It went deep, very deep. I'm grateful that you can express yourself like that, really a wonderful way."

"But Sjaak, you cried, was that because of my music?"

"Yes, because of your music, you really touched me dear. I felt your pain, your sadness. Rest assured Liesel, it was not wrong, on the contrary, it was very good. I want to know you and I want to feel you, I want to feel what is going on inside you and I want to be there for you."

He stroked her back and her hair. He went over her face with his fingertips. Lisa closed her eyes, overwhelmed by what this sweet touch was doing to her. He kissed her, very lightly, on her forehead, on her nose, on her mouth. Lisa was so impressed by the flood of feelings that she barely reacted. She felt, and she received. She sighed and opened her eyes. Sjaak's eyes bore into her eyes, and so they stood for seconds looking at and into each other. Lisa sighed deeply in and out again, as tears came to her eyes.

"Liesel, can I undress you, stroke your skin? I mean... just to caress, to love you in caressing. Would you like that?"

And as Lisa nodded immediately, he asked, "Are you very sure? Do you dare?"

"Yes... Yes, with you... yes, with you I do..." Her face relaxed.

"I'll just lock the outside doors for a moment, I don't want any unexpected visitors. Safety for you above all else! Would you close the curtains here in the bedroom for a moment?"

Sjaak didn't wait for an answer, but immediately grabbed his bunch of keys and went to lock the front door and the door to the utility room. When he returned, Lisa had closed the curtains and turned on a bedside lamp. Sjaak looked at it for a moment and said, "Yes, I want to see you when I stroke you, I want to see if you’re really enjoying yourself. But I think that light is actually too bright." He walked back to the utility room, grabbed his cap off the coat rack and hung it over the light. Lisa laughed, it looked so silly, but the effect was extraordinary, like romantic mood lighting!

"I just want to put one more thing on your mind Lisa: if you don't like anything I do to you, please tell me, or grab me by my wrists, none of it matters, but make me stop, okay? I don't want to hurt, injure, frighten you in any way, I just want to love you."

And when Lisa nodded, he said with a smile and a wink, "I'll keep a close eye on you myself too."

He took her in his arms again, stroking her over her sweater. When he noticed that she relaxed completely, he let one hand disappear under her sweater. He sensed that she was wearing a shirt underneath. He decided not to go under there. After a while, seeing that she remained relaxed, he asked if he could take off her sweater. She nodded and stretched her arms up so that he could slide the sweater right over her head and arms.

She opened her eyes and looked at him. He put his hands around her face. "You are so beautiful, my beautiful dear girl..." Sjaak whispered.

"But I'm not even naked yet," Lisa sputtered.

Sjaak smiled, "No, but I can see it in your eyes how beautiful you are on the inside. And what I see on your outside, I enjoy that too, you are beautiful there too, even with clothes on. Although I have to admit, honestly, that I would love to peel you further from your clothes. I desire you, but my desire to love you without hurting you is greater than my own desire for physical contact."

He stroked on, gently scratching her back with his fingertips. She began to squirm a little and giggled, "That feels really funny, and it feels good!" Sjaak smiled at her pleasure, knew he was still on the right track.

And so he continued, step by step. Lisa took off her long pants herself, unsolicited. He lifted her up and laid her on the bed. He sat down next to her and caressed her belly, gave kisses on her shirt. Further and further they went. Every time Sjaak asked if he could take off a piece of clothing from her, she nodded.

Last of all, it was her bra's turn. She rolled onto her side so he could reach the clasp. She felt that she was now up against a blockage, she was beginning to find it scary, but she wanted so badly to know, so badly to see from Sjaak's reaction, whether he really thought she was good enough. So she looked directly at him as she rolled on her back. She saw his mouth opening slightly and his whole face beginning to shine. He ran a few fingers along the sides of her breasts, and saw from her chest that she was starting to breathe deeper. He continued to look at her breasts, whispering admiringly, "So beautiful, so exquisitely delicate..."

Only then did he look at her. They both had tears of emotion in their eyes.

"Really Sjaak? Do you really think I'm still beautiful without clothes?"

"Oh yes," he nodded eagerly, "without clothes even more beautiful than with clothes! But are you still doing well? I just thought for a moment that you were starting to have doubts, maybe were up against a limit."

"When did you get that feeling?" asked Lisa in surprise.

"When I was fiddling with the clasp of your bra, you seemed to stiffen slightly for a moment, but then you relaxed again."

"Gee, you really feel everything..."

Lisa confirmed and explained that she had been up against a blockage for a moment, but that she had also been so eager to see his reaction. She told, that she did remember that first time, when she had offered herself naked. Then Sjaak had also said she was beautiful, but it had been such a confusing moment.

"I needed to find out now in peace and quiet whether you really thought I was beautiful enough. That's why I forced myself through it a bit, but in retrospect it went smoother than I expected. It wasn't intense."

"Good thing, I really don't want to go any further than is good for you!"

Lisa nodded, "I know, and I think that's sweet of you, very sweet, but also unfortunate for you. I mean, then you won't get your portion. I can barely reach you..."

She fell silent abruptly as Sjaak began to laugh, "My portion? I get my portion plenty. Loving you in the best portion I can imagine."

"Don't you long at all for me to caress you, to satisfy you?" asked Lisa in surprise.

"Oh yes, I'm not made of stone sweetheart, but first I want you to feel completely safe and to enjoy what we're doing right now. For myself, that's more than enough for now, believe me, it's wonderful to see and feel what my hands do to you, your reaction to my hands, I mean," Sjaak clarified.

Lisa nodded, "I understand you in a way, but I feel a little burdened, like I'm falling short towards you."

"Yeah right, you don't have to feel guilty Lisa, there's really no need. I promise you, there will come a time when you can let yourself go on me!"

Lisa shot into a loud laugh, "I'll hold you to that!"

To chapter 122. Suicide...

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