Julian was sleeping peacefully in his cot. Bianca was sitting on the other side of the big room in her rocking chair with a book from Annerieke. The book lay closed on her lap as her thoughts were still with Annerieke. She had not been with her for long because she herself was tired from the impressions she had gotten with Lisa. The conversation with Lisa had touched her deeply. Lisa could sense her completely, having gone through even more severe abuse herself. It had been strange, she had not experienced relief through her empathy and understanding, rather it had felt as if Lisa had turned everything upside down in her. So many unpleasant feelings had surfaced in her about the way Julian's father had treated her. She had said something about it very briefly to Annerieke, who had understood her immediately and explained that her conversation with Lisa had touched her deep pain around her own abuse. She had promised her that although it could feel miserable now, that was exactly what was needed to receive a piece of healing.

She believed it, because Annerieke had told her from experience, but it still didn't feel nice. Like there was a mountain of emotions in her belly fighting for precedence, while in her head there seemed to be a wobbly pudding.

She decided to follow Annerieke's tip, to seek some distraction when things got too much for her, and flipped open the book.

.

The next morning, Bianca was not very rested, as the book had gripped her and so she had not gone to bed until later than she intended. Still, she felt rested, free, as if she had more space. Although it was all new to her, she suspected, no, actually knew for sure, that this was what Annerieke had promised, that she had gone through a piece of healing. Apparently she had lost a lot of shit, and that certainly didn't feel unpleasant!

.

After she finished work, she brought Julian to Margreet's place, where he was allowed to stay for some time while she went to the thrift shop again. Julian was wide awake, had been drinking shortly before and seemed totally fine with Margreet half bent over him chatting to him.

Cheerful and to some extent excited, Bianca stepped into the shop a few minutes later. She knew roughly where the crafts department was and, pulling a trolley behind her, walked straight to it. She decided to look for beautiful pieces of fabric first, pieces that she could see before her what she could just make with them. She was amazed at what she found, did not know what to choose and finally decided to take a big pile with her. She made sure they were fabrics that she could easily combine.

A doll, or a couple of dolls... she looked in the toy department and found a medium-sized doll that still looked beautiful and a doll of a significantly smaller size. For the first period, she thought that was enough.

She walked back to the craft corner and went in search of yarn, buttons, needles, pins, and safety pins, a tape measure, small scissors and fabric scissors. She found everything she thought she would need for the time being and went in search of the smallest possible pillow, which she could turn into a pin cushion. Again, no problem, pillows came in all shapes and sizes!

She walked with an overflowing trolley towards the checkout, where a friendly woman, whose name tag told her her name was Elly, helped her. Elly recognised her from the last time she was in the shop: "Weren't you here with Margreet and Lisa the other day?"

"Yes, that's right, do you know them?"

"Yes, I'm a friend of Annerieke's and..."

"... you did that mural, at Lisa's place, I saw it!"

"Yes, that's right, and in Gloria's little room too! How nice of you to make that link. I don't have any painting work at the moment, actually I was starting to struggle with it. I was at a friend's house recently, but she didn't live nearby, I had to stay there for a few nights to finish that mural. I didn't like it, so I haven't taken on any new assignments for a while, so I can think calmly about how I want to proceed. I have worked here before, and they liked it when I came back for a few days. So I saw you here the other day and now again. I think you have big plans. Are you going to make doll clothes? Both those dolls could use a nice wardrobe."

"You hit the nail on the head. I will take up the hobby of my childhood again. I loved making up the craziest models and decorating clothes I made. I made really crazy things, but I enjoyed it so much! I have no idea yet how to go about it now, but that will come. If necessary, I'll make a simple model first, so at least they won't be naked anymore."

As they talked to each other, Elly let all the items pass the till, tapping the amounts. Suddenly Elly got an idea: "Annerieke told me they had a new employee at the guesthouse for housekeeping. Is that you?"

"That' s right! By the way, my name is Bianca, and I now live in that big attic room in the guesthouse, together with my little son Julian. Gosh, I would never have told that last fact to a stranger, but it feels so familiar. He's just little, just over a month old. And together we have a fine space there in the attic. I also get to use the landing, to put things away or something. And I have a table that I can turn into a commodity table in no time with a changing pad, while I can spend the rest of the day sewing on it."

"Handy," Elly thought, "but then maybe you should also have something, on which you can put the stuff you use for your sewing, so you can easily take that off when you want to put the changing pad on it."

"That's a good point! Something like a tray with a raised edge or something... I'll take this to the car in a minute, then I'll come back afterwards," Bianca decided.

The customer behind her had heard what they were talking about. She tapped Bianca and said, "Look, here around the corner are trays, take a look right away, I do have time to wait."

Surprised, Bianca looked at her: "How kind, thank you very much, I'll have a quick look."

"Take it easy, I'm in no hurry and there are no other customers."

Bianca immediately returned with a simple wooden tray that was perfect for the purpose. She smiled at the woman who had pointed it out to her, thanked her and passed the tray to Elly.

"Great Bianca, that way you've got things pretty complete!" Elly then mentioned the total amount.

"Only so little, it's wonderful after all," Bianca sighed.

"This is a shop to visit more often," said the woman behind her.

"I certainly will, I'm just a bit overwhelmed!" Bianca replied.

Elly, meanwhile, had packed a box for her, in which Bianca could take everything. With a wave, she said goodbye to both women and walked overjoyed to her car. At home, she would show everything to Margreet... home... yes, it already felt like home!

.

Margreet, so fond of sewing herself, enjoyed Bianca's display and her enthusiastic story about Elly and the customer who had urged her to go look for a tray right away.

"How nice that Elly was just there," Margreet responded. "Frankly, that surprised me last time, because I thought she was no longer working there but was fully committed to murals.

Bianca shared what Elly had told her about that. Margreet looked surprised and suddenly started laughing. "Do you know what Joke said the last time she looked at that mural here? That Elly would do better if she started doing smaller paintings. Come with me upstairs and I'll show you."

They went to the little room where Gloria was sleeping. Margreet pointed to the heron that Elly had painted in all shades of blue, and which she had given a goldfish in its beak.

"Joke said, it suited her better to make something like just that heron with that fish in a painting, for example. And now you come up with this story that she is dreading the sleepovers, that making such a big painting with someone who lives further away is not nice for her at all. Really funny!"

"That's really special yes, it might be a great solution for her... but apart from that, I absolutely love this mural! You could just look at this for hours and enjoy it... Oh, you have a closet just like Lisa's in her baby's room, only a little bird on the clothes rail. And what nice dresses and suits..." Bianca let them pass by her hands to give them a little look.

"Almost all from the thrift shop," Margreet revealed, "you wouldn't say so, would you? But well, babies only wear those clothes for such a short time, it hardly has a chance to wear out."

"That's right, I'll look around there too. I do have enough for Julian at the moment, but I don't have anything of a larger size yet."

They looked up from a soft knock on the door.

"Hello ladies," Huib said softly, "I thought you had switched babies, Julian is downstairs and I didn't see Gloria, but I see she is still here."

"How nice you did this, Huib, such a rod. I saw it with Lisa too. And then so personal with another button on it. This little bird, does that represent freedom or something?"

"Exactly, and Lisa and Sjaak's... you must have heard that from Lisa already?"

"Yes, something about drawing buildings, she had gotten an impression about that."

"That' s right yes, and Lisa told me that you liked that rod so much, and asked if I wanted to make one for you too. Or actually for Julian of course. How does this one look to you? Honestly tell me!"

Huib pulled a rod from behind his back.

"A microphone with a cord as a button? A microphone? How..."

"I got the feeling Julian is going to do something about speaking or something, I don't know how or about what or where, but I decided to attach a microphone to it."

"Had Lisa said that, about speaking?"

Huib shook his head: "No, she only asked for a rod. And she did say emphatically that I should just try to feel for myself what kind of button to put on it. Did she know anything about it?"

"Yes," Bianca whispered, "when I was with her, I blurted it out like that, that he was lying down chatting because he was practising to become a speaker later. I was surprised by it myself! Do you think it really suits him?"

"A comic speaker, what do you call it, a comedian, a cabaret performer, that's what I mean," Margreet gave words to what came to her mind.

"A comedian, someone who jokes about things going on in the world, things he has experienced. Something like that? Julian?" Bianca shot into laughter: "I would actually like that quite a lot!"

From the cradle, Gloria let out a happy laugh, as if she already heard Julian's jokes. Huib handed the clothes rail to Bianca and held out his hands to Gloria. It seemed as if her whole little body was moving to jump into his hands. Huib grabbed her under her arms, pulled her out from under the duvet and cuddled her before laying her on the dresser.

"And young lady, did you make a dirty mess of it again or is it not so bad today?" he asked her, smiling. Gloria beamed, trying to grab his sleeve with uncontrolled movements.

"No, no, no, that's not possible missy, I need my arms to change you!"

Because he bent his head slightly towards her while saying that, however, his hair came within reach. She grabbed them and tugged.

"Au au au! What are you doing?" exclaimed Huib. "Would you mind letting go of my pretty wig real quick?" He fiddled with her fingers so that she lost grip and pulled his head back. With a happy face, he stuck his tongue out at her. Gloria laughed with a hiccuping laugh as Huib continued changing. Meanwhile, he asked Bianca about the box he had seen on the dining table: "I saw that you got dolls and sewing stuff. Thrift shop for sure?"

"Yes right, I found so much nice stuff there, I can start this afternoon in no time! I'm going to reupholster the cushion of the rocking chair first. I've seen Annerieke's cushion, and I'm going to follow her example. And then I'm going to make a tight smaller cushion out of the one I just bought, as a pin cushion. And then... sew doll clothes!"

Margreet put her hand on Bianca's arm: "Bianca, you're beaming, you know that, you're beaming!"

"That's how I feel too, radiant! Life is smiling at me again. And I do know that all sorts of things will be touched in between, I've already heard about that from Annerieke, because Lisa had told me about her marriage to Henk yesterday and I was so miserable about it. Well, that's because... Julian's father forced me to have sex. Annerieke thought Lisa's story had poked at the wound of that abuse. I felt really lousy last night, an emotional ball in my stomach and a shaky pudding in my head. Sorry, sounds ridiculous, but that's how it felt. I just started reading to clear my mind, which did help. Then a short but good night and this morning I felt much better than last night! I know these kind of depressing moments will come more often, but so be it. At the moment, I'm just happy, and have a full sense of purpose in my life again!"

She made fluttering movements with her arms, almost knocking Huib around the ears with the clothes rod. "Oops, that only just went well! Really thanks for that clothes rod Huib, you spoil me immensely, first that stair gate, now this. By the way, how should I attach it to the wardrobe?"

"Not, I'll come and do that, after lunch if that suits you too," he replied.

"That's fine. Do you need to drill too? Then I'll take Julian to the landing."

"No way, I can screw it right into the cupboard on the side, if that's where you want it."

"I think so, but we'll see this afternoon, whether that looks handy and nice."

"Good plan! So Gloria, we'll go downstairs, see if Mum has anything for you to gulp down. You know what I think is unfair? That I don't have those nice breasts to feed you. I think it would be great if you drank with me like that."

Bianca shot into laughter: "Sorry, I can picture it!"

"Nice is that, you picture it, but I have nothing! Fortunately, it's also lovely to watch when she drinks at Margreet's place. Ladies, if you sit down, I'll hand Gloria to you, Margreet, and go make some coffee or tea. What would you like?"

"Oooh, I completely forgot about coffee time at the guesthouse!" shocked Bianca.

"Right, we missed you, but not seriously though, we knew where you were. We took Julian and Gloria together for a while, everything went fine!"

Julian apparently thought it was time for a change and drink for him too. He made bubbling noises in the playpen, which became more and more like crying.

"Oh dear, what a degenerate mother you have, I forget all about you!" Bianca quickly grabbed her nappy bag and started changing Julian in the playpen.

"Do you believe it yourself, mummy Bianca?" asked Huib. "You would never forget him! And now I'm going to make coffee! Both coffee?"

"Gladly!" sounded from two mouths.

Margreet watched Bianca busy with Julian, saw that a few tears fell on his jumper. She smiled, something as simple as what Huib had said was exactly what she needed!

To chapter 13. Doll clothes

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