Johan and Alex had gone for a walk on the estate after lunch and had finally settled down on a bench. Alex had vented his heart about his concern for Ellen and his longing for Fiona, and especially his inability to attract her to him. Johan had no solution for him, at least nothing Alex didn't already know. He had listened, and let it be known that he understood. Then there had been a silence, during which they had both been preoccupied with their own thoughts.

.

Johan felt his mobile vibrate. He saw that he had a message from Marieke, asking where he was and if he wanted to come to the veranda. He wrote back: 'I'm coming'.

"Marieke asks if I want to come over for a minute," he told Alex. "Wish you strength guy," he added with a firm pat on the shoulder.

Alex smiled, continuing to sit quietly. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the quiet, the peace filled with a deep longing for Fiona. How was it possible that he had never longed for Ellen in this way? He had always loved her, and he still did. He would never want to hurt her, but without doing anything, he was doing it now anyway, throwing her whole world upside down. No, deep down he didn't, their world was already upside down, and he was grateful Ellen understood. But equally, he felt sorry for her, knowing she would have to go through quite a mountain of pain.

Fiona... incredibly, it was only Tuesday... It had only been three days since they first saw each other. And then now such intense desire!

.

Johan arrived at the veranda, saw that Fiona was there too. She stood, as if in doubt, beside the veranda, looking around in despair. He walked over to her, put his hand on her shoulder and whispered by her ear, "There is someone waiting for you, longing for you, at the back left of the estate, you know that bench?"

She smiled, barely visible, and nodded. "Thanks," she whispered and walked seemingly quietly away, in the direction Johan had intended.

Marieke smiled at Johan and raised her thumb. Johan helped her, as she lay down on the lounger. Marieke chuckled, "You're really acting like I'm an old woman!"

"You're not twenty anymore either..." he grinned.

.

Alex still had his eyes closed, heard only the birds, but felt... sensed that Fiona was coming. He deliberately kept his eyes closed, because he wanted to feel how this was, how this could be. Really, he felt how that attraction grew stronger the closer she came. He started breathing more heavily, with his mouth slightly open.

"Alexander," Fiona spoke softly, or actually it was more like she was singing his name. "Alexander, may I join you?"

A smile appeared on his face. He opened his eyes and sighed deeply: "You? You can always come and sit with me..."

Even before she sat down next to him, he put his arm around the back of the bench so that he could put his hand on her upper arm.

"Thank you for coming..." he whispered.

Fiona looked at him, saw that there were big tears in his eyes. She smiled at him, laid her head on his shoulder and saw in the corner of her eye how tears fell on his trousers. She put her hand on the hand he had placed on her upper arm, pressing it firmly.

"Hold me tight, Alexander, I want so badly, I long for you so much, but I'm still scared. Hold me tight..." she whispered.

"Rest assured, I am holding you, I am holding you tight," he whispered back, and gave her a kiss on her hair, quiet and gentle, yet convincing. That was the moment she knew with certainty, that things would be different with Alexander than with Daniel. How it would continue in every day's practice, she did not know, but as far as she could manage, she would surrender to it, surrender to him.

They sat side by side in silence for the rest of the afternoon. A deep sigh was the only sound they occasionally heard from each other. Finally, at the end of the afternoon, Alex turned to her, looked at her, wanted to say something, but did not know what. Emotions took hold of him again. He smiled at her, caressing her face with his fingertips, as if non-sightedly exploring her face. His lips moved occasionally, as if he wanted to say something again, but then he closed his mouth again, and smiled, looked deep into her eyes, and stroked. In the distance, he heard Johan call out, that dinner was ready. He was unable to call anything back. His focus was entirely on Fiona. Very gently, as if he was afraid her head would break into pieces, he put his hands just behind her ears and slowly pulled her towards him. He kissed her on her forehead, several times, until he heard her sigh deeply.

"Shall we go for dinner?" he whispered.

Fiona nodded, but was unable to bring herself to move. She just sat there as if enchanted, as if riveted to the bench, watching Alexander, how he stood up, holding her gaze.

He grabbed her hand. "Come, come with me," he urged gently, pulling her up gently. "It's like you're in a trance," he chuckled.

"That's how I feel too, like my whole body has doubled in weight, and my bones have melted like wax and you gave me a muscle relaxant. I even have trouble speaking!" Fiona had to laugh about it now too.

When she stood, Alex put his arm around her and pulled her tightly against him. "I'll support you, sweetheart, so you don't fall!"

Before the dining room door, he let go of her to lead her into the room. The others were busy talking to each other, or at least pretending to be. In between, their eyes occasionally flashed to Alex and Fiona, trying to gauge how things were going.

"Her eyes are very different, completely different. Completely in love, deliciously dreamy in love. It's going in the right direction," Marianne whispered to Marieke and Johan. "I'm happy about it!"

.

That evening, Fiona and Alex curled up close together on the living room couch. Someone had set up the photo series Koos and Olivia had taken last year, and without saying much they looked at the pictures together. Among them were photos of animals, animals cuddling together in the manner befitting their species. Fiona noticed, that something inside her was touched, that she longed for more, for unification, for....

She wondered what that would be like with Alexander. He had experience with Ellen, she herself had experience with Daniel, but there had been no soul connection in either of those relationships. Would that matter for cuddling, lovemaking, sexuality? She could not imagine that it would make no difference, but she had no idea what that difference might look like.

Actually, she would prefer to move her things into his room tonight, but yes, that would be a bit crazy. His group of friends...

She sighed deeply as she felt entangled in all these thoughts and feelings. Alex seemed to be able to guess her thoughts. "Fiona, gosh, what a beautiful name you actually have. Fióna, I can say it almost as beautifully lilting as you say my name." He chuckled for a moment. "Johan just came up to me, urged me not to care about the group. They all felt how strongly we are drawn to each other, and they let us know through him, that we should not care about their presence. If you want to move to my room, or if you want me to move to your room, they think that is very normal and very understandable. They will not blame you or me for that. In fact, they long for our love to grow and flourish, all directions. Think about it, the rest of the evening, whether you would want that already. Feel carefully whether you want to, whether you really want to."

Fiona laid her head on his shoulder again, turning her head so that she could still look at him. "I was just thinking about it, first so generally, of 'what would it be like', because we both have experience in terms of cuddling and so on." She saw that he smiled at her 'and so', but bravely continued: "and then I thought it would be crazy, because of the friend group, but meanwhile I felt a longing inside myself to move to your room, to snuggle close to you and just experience what it would be like between us. But as I tell it, I notice that I find this exciting too. Damn, what a mess!" She chuckled and drew her final conclusion: "I don't know yet if I really dare to expose myself, literally I mean, but I would really like to move to your room and sleep with you. Or would you prefer to go to my room?"

"I don't care, Fiona, as long as we are together."

"Then I'll come to your room, nice on the corner, feeling a bit more secluded from neighbours hahaha."

Alex smiled at her. " So right, we'll do that then. Shall we keep looking at the pictures, or do you want to go upstairs already?"

Fiona was startled by his suggestion. It was getting very close very quickly now. But at the same time, she felt a happy longing, which made her look at him beaming, "Let's go."

She immediately got up, greeted the other guests, and walked out of the room, with Alex in her wake, into the corridor. She did not see, that Johan winked at Alex and raised his thumb. When they were sure that Alex and Fiona were upstairs, they shared their joy at this new connection with each other. In addition, they wondered how Ellen would be. Anton, who was sitting right next to the little group, knew the answer to that: "She has already called me twice. She is having a tough time. She knows it's best for herself, and also for Alex and Fiona, but it's intense. Good but intense! She also wondered how to deal with you as friends now. I advised her to think of herself first and took the gamble of assuring her, that apart from the group event, I am sure you would keep in touch with her. But equally, I understand her question about that."

Johan and both women nodded. "At the moment, I shouldn't think of getting the complete group together yet, so with Alex, Fiona and Ellen together. That would probably be unworkable for both women, and super awkward for Alex as a result. We should avoid that for now," Marieke thought.

The others completely agreed with her.

.

Meanwhile, Alex and Fiona had taken her things to his guest room, and Alex went to shower in one bathroom and Fiona in the other. Fiona noticed how the tension was mounting, and how the hot shower jets were not helping her to relax. She dried off quickly, put on her pyjamas and walked quickly across the landing to Alex's room, expecting to arrive there first. Alex, however, was someone who did not like to take long showers, and so had arrived in the room already.

He looked up when she entered, saw that she was shy and tense. He smiled at her and continued brushing his teeth for a while. As he was used to, he was wearing only pants, which gave Fiona even more of a knot in her stomach. She sighed deeply, also grabbed her toothbrush and toothpaste, and began brushing drily.

Sensing her tension, Alex put a hand on her shoulder as he continued brushing. The longing for her, the desire especially to give her the security, the love she so needed, grew into something that seemed to want to crush his chest, his ribs. He sighed deeply, as silently as possible, so as not to burden Fiona with more tension.

The longing he felt was like a three-quarter circle, a circle with a hole through which she could crawl, inside, where it was safe. Extraordinary, he had never imagined anything like this before....

Fiona made haste to brush her teeth, rinsing off her toothbrush and rinsing her mouth. Then she walked as fast as she could to the side of the bed where Alex had not yet slept, the side that was now her side. She had a strange feeling that if she was the first one in bed, it would be safer. Her thoughts flew in so many directions that it was not even possible to scold herself for anything, for her strange ideas.

Seemingly calm, Alex got into bed on the other side, lying on his side on his own half. He looked at her, hesitated for a moment. Then he reached out his one arm, caressed her face again, tenderly, very carefully.

Fiona blinked her eyes, heaved a deep sigh and crawled a little in his direction. Alex slid his one arm under her neck so that she could lay her head in the hollow under his jaw. He shifted his head slightly, kissing her on her hair. He gently put his free arm around her, stroking her back. He felt vibrations going through her, held his hand still for a moment and noticed that she was breathing deeply and evenly. She had fallen asleep in his embrace....

Less than half an hour later, she awakened startled. "What, what is it? Did I fall asleep?" she asked confused.

Alex nodded, "Yes, wonderful in my embrace, so sweet and peaceful..."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, that really wasn't my intention, it just happened. I didn't even know I was that tired," Fiona sputtered.

"Neither did I, but it really doesn't matter, as long as you're close to me. Do you have any idea how much I loved it?"

"No, it doesn't actually seem that wonderful for you at all. Aren't you in pain here now, I have a hard head though!" She tried to make a joke out of it, but barely managed to do so.

Alex pulled her a little closer to him, stroked her back again, and marvelled as she fell asleep like a log again.

Eventually, this happened as many as four times in a row. By now, Alex's shoulder was starting to get a little sore, so when Fiona woke up in utter confusion again after the fourth time, he indicated this as well and pulled his arm out from under her. Meanwhile, he kept trying to convince her that it was fine for her to fall asleep. He wanted her to feel safe. And it seemed she felt safe in his arms. He said he took that as a compliment.

They decided to go to sleep. And while Fiona, still confused, failed to catch sleep at first, Alex lay staring at the ceiling. Somehow, he had the feeling that she was not falling asleep out of a sense of security at all, but that something else was going on, as if her body was shielding her from touch, as if she was blocked. If the opportunity arose, he wanted to talk to her about it tomorrow.

.

The opportunity presented itself because they were both awake early.

"Fiona, can I ask you something about your marriage to Daniel, something very personal?" And when she nodded, "How was the sexual contact between you?"

"Normal, I think," she replied. "I have no comparables, but I think normal. He entered me, ejaculated and went to sleep... briefly, but it was something like that. That's how it works, right?"

She looked at him questioningly, waiting for his response. Her answer shocked him, but Alex didn't want to show it and asked further, "And you? How did you cum then?"

"Not usually. Sometimes I urged him to take it slow, then I could cum by myself at the same time. That sounds weird when I say it like that, but how else was I supposed to cum? I thought that should happen automatically as he moved inside me, but it just didn't happen. So I arranged it myself, and that was generally so laborious, that I didn't cum until he had already released me. I always found that annoying, it felt like I was failing, like my body wasn't cooperating normally. Good thing you asked about it, at least then you know, I'm not very handy at those things."

Alex looked at her, probing, put his hands along her face: "Fiona, it wasn't you who fell short, he fell short. Daniel may not have known any better, but what he did to you was actually self-gratification in disguise. Instead of his hands, he used your body to cum. But that is not making love! Because he didn't give you love, didn't love you, didn't caress you and because he didn't bring you to great heights... that's why you didn't reach orgasm, or barely. Coming to orgasm is not your responsibility! The one who loves you, who adores you, should also love your body in such a way that he simply drags you towards orgasm, automatically, without you having to do anything about it. Really, that is not your job! It is now my kind of job to caress you, to excite your body until you cum. And then when I come inside you, it's a huge feast for us together."

He stroked her face again with his fingertips, seeing that she was enjoying it. He was glad she could at least receive that!

"Let me ask you another thing... were you looking forward to your being together on the bed, to sexual intercourse?"

Embarrassed, Fiona lowered her eyes, shaking her head barely noticeably. "No, I started to dread it more and more. I did join him, but I started finding it more and more difficult as the years went by. When we decided to get divorced, the fact that we didn't have to anymore was actually the biggest relief. Bad huh?"

Alex nodded: "Yes, very, very bad for you! You were never loved in those ten years. Girl, I could cry about what happened to you. In fact, this has been sexual abuse every time..."

"No," she shocked, suddenly wide awake, "no ya, it wasn't that bad, he didn't rape me or anything! We were married, I loved him, well, in my way, this was just part of it, when you're married..."

"Take a good look at me, dear, yes so... If a man, your own husband to whom you are married, only uses you to cum himself, that is rape, no more and no less. The fact that you are then married doesn't matter a damn! I'm not saying you should make a lawsuit out of it, that makes no sense, no judge who could do anything with that. I could ask Johan, but no.... there is so much abuse within marriage, and if the woman goes along with it, as in your case out of ignorance, no judge can do anything about it. And I don't think it makes sense for yourself either. He only saw it as his marital right, I suppose. Or did he take you after that divorce too?"

"No, he left then, nothing else. Sometimes we had some contact via phone or mail, but always superficial, mostly businesslike."

"Forget about justice in this then, but you may start realising that you have been used, abused. The reason I asked about this is that I couldn't sleep because my mind was spinning about the fact that in my arms you were constantly falling asleep, really falling asleep like a log. And the impression I got was that you were unconsciously blocking yourself. Exactly like you see in women who are regularly raped. That often creates some kind of blockages, which makes them less bothered at the time of rape, something like that. I don't know exactly, but what happened last night felt like something like that, like locking yourself internally."

"I don't know anything about that, how should I do that?" asked Fiona in despair.

"You don't have to do anything about that, indeed you can't do anything about that, it just happens, sort of automatically."

"But then I can never give you... then... so then we can never physically become one! Alexander, I feel terrible for you, that I can't give you that!"

"Dear Fiona," he said smiling, looking at her in love, "rest assured, that will come. It may take months, maybe years, I don't know, but it will come. If there are wounds, I don't want to run over them to get my bearings. I long for when the time comes for us to make love in full, for you to fully enjoy it. Get used to it dear, my focus is on you, not on myself. My heart goes out to you, not to myself. From this week onwards, my life revolves around you, to help you recover, heal and blossom into your full potential. That is what I long for!"

Fiona looked at him wide-eyed, saw in his eyes that he meant it.

"Alexander," she said in her very own melodious way, "Alexander, you are incredible!"

To chapter 74. Books by Joke

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