Monday morning, while drinking coffee, there was another knock on the kitchen door. Martin and his co-worker George came in and set down. It felt familiar, like they belonged. Annerieke poured coffee for them, while Martin took out the papers on which the indictments were written. He sighed deeply, as if he experienced those papers as a leaden burden.

Looking at Lisa and Margreet, he shared in the group, "As promised, I have put your indictments on paper, but... something has come up. After we were here last time, I immediately informed our colleagues in the region where Henk lives, told them what had happened. Because of the report, they decided to pick up Henk immediately. But he did not open the door. They looked through the window and saw him lying on the ground, so they forced the front door. He had shot himself, one bullet had been enough. On the table they found his note, which said that he did not know how to continue living, and that he was leaving all his possessions to Lisa. In itself that makes sense, since you are officially still his wife, so everything is yours too. But anyway, he had written it down clearly, including your address from here. Our colleagues called me back about it. I must say, it hit me pretty hard. I decided to type out and print your indictments first, take time off and let it sink in for myself before coming here. Well, I still think it's a difficult issue, but you guys need to know what happened, and that's why we're here. It seems unnecessary to sign the declarations yet, since he is not alive now. Still, in conjunction with the police report there, it will be useful; it will give a more complete picture of the situation."

As he spoke Huib and Sjaak put their arms around their girlfriends to support them. Margreet looked sad, Lisa rigid, as if completely blocked.

Margreet quickly read through her brief declaration, placed her signature under it and handed the paper back to Martin. He nodded to her encouragingly.

Lisa was unable to read through the declaration, so Sjaak did it for her. He nodded and asked her gently, "Martin described everything well, it's all correct. Can you sign it yourself?" She nodded and scribbled her signature on the spot he pointed out to her. Sjaak handed the paper back to Martin and thanked him.

"Sorry Martin, it turned out to be a sloppy signature..." Lisa apologized.

"Of course, I didn't expect otherwise in this situation. Doesn't matter Lisa, we know it's your signature."

As the officers got up to leave, Martin put his hands on Sjaak and Lisa's shoulder, "Much strength together, the past was already intense, now add the present... I know you will get through it together, but it won't be easy. If you need us, call us, even in private. And in any case, we'll see each other tomorrow at the movie night. So we'll keep in touch!"

He looked around the circle: "Much strength to all of you. I know this affects Lisa especially, but you are such a unity, that I realize, it affects all of you. See you tomorrow, dear ones!"

Outside in the car, George looked at him: "Tomorrow night's movie night? Tell me about that!"

Martin told of their contacts, of Elly's and his own desire to live more from their souls, how that required healing of their emotional wounds. "And yesterday Huib called with a story about two movie nights, Tuesday and Thursday, and asked if we wanted to come too. He has two films about how people are stuck in all kinds of things, trapped in a system. Come and join us!"

"I can't just do that, can I? I mean, they hardly know me, then I can't just walk in, can I?" George wondered.

"Oh yes, you can, you're a fairly tame sheep, so you'll fit right in with them!" Martin laughed.

For a moment he remained silent and then said fiercely, "Stupid expression, tame sheep... but that's exactly what happened in that system George, the governments and religious institutions and so many other people around us have made us into tame sheep, but we are not meant to be sheep. Sheep are docile animals, super well behaved and quiet. But we are meant to live from within, and if I'm honest... there I don't feel something that is tame, there I feel a passion that wants to protest against everything that is holding us back from being ourselves! There I feel something that wants to break out!"

Martin was overwhelmed by his own conclusion and remained silent to let it sink in. George was struck by his fierce statement; this was not how he knew his quiet, civilized colleague.

"Martin, it just occurred to me, you have always been my quiet, civilized colleague. So if I understand correctly, you are not like that, but people have made you like that. They suppressed you and trimmed you to the form that was appropriate, that seemed right to others, your parents I guess. But when I hear you speak with such passion and fierceness, it turns out that you are actually quite different! And frankly, I like that!"

Martin looked at him in surprise: "George, you are a fast learner! Shall we pick you up Tuesday night and Thursday night for those movies?"

"Go ahead, I'll take your word for it that they'll like it!"

Sunk in their own thoughts, they drove on.

.

Lisa felt lousy, like really terribly lousy. She didn't even dare look around the circle in the kitchen.

"It's all my fault," she whispered, "my fault that he shot himself. If I had stayed with him..."

"Then he would have destroyed you even further." Sjaak responded immediately, hoping to cut through her negative train of thought. "And there's no way you could have prevented it. Someone who makes a decision like that is so broken that he sees no other way out. He would have killed himself later, and probably you along with it."

Huib put his hand on Sjaak's arm and gestured with a finger in front of his mouth that he shouldn't talk any further for a while. Sjaak looked at him questioningly.

"She has to get through this herself Sjaak, you just need to be with her," Huib whispered.

Sjaak nodded understandingly, realizing that it had been his own reaction of desperation to Lisa's feelings of being guilty. He kept quiet, as did the others. Everyone was going through his or her own feelings personally.

Lisa was struggling with the huge ball of emotions in her belly, but more so with all the thoughts that were shooting through her head. Thoughts full of indictments, questions, accusations against her. Vaguely she had heard what Huib had said to Sjaak. She had known that he was right, but how difficult she found it! It took almost a quarter of an hour before she experienced some relief. She looked up, looked around the circle. She saw all those eyes focused on her and felt so much love flowing her way.

"I think," she whispered wearily, "that I've had the worst part of it. Terrible, what a clucking henhouse it was in my head! And a ball in my belly like I was going to explode... but I know it was good, to go through. And I'm glad you guys were there."

Sjaak pulled her tightly against him: "Brave girl of mine!"

Everyone stood up, seeking each other out in embraces, sharing feelings and thoughts.

To chapter 123. The legacy

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