Simon helped clean up, then followed Annerieke into the kitchen. "Annerieke, can I talk to you in a moment, in private?"

Annerieke looked up in surprise: "Yes of course, will you walk me home? Then we'll have a drink and you can tell me what you want to say."

Simon smiled and nodded. If she only knew what he wanted to say. He was dreading it like a mountain, but it felt like there was no way back. He wanted to go forward, further with Annerieke, the woman he had loved for so long.

.

A little later they walked together to Annerieke's house.

"Would you like a glass of juice? Or would you rather have a glass of wine or a beer?"

"Just do juice, I have to drive, then I'd rather not drink alcohol."

"Absolutely right," thought Annerieke and poured two glasses of juice. She handed him one glass and sat down in her rocking chair with the other. Simon sat down diagonally across from her on the couch.

Simon searched for words. Finally he decided to keep it simple: "Annerieke, I have to tell you something... I love you, I have loved you since I knew you, all these years, but you were married..."

He hesitated, he found it difficult, he could hardly say, that he saw his chance now because Erik was no longer in his way?

"You know, when Erik died, the first thing that came to mind was that the way to you was free now. And I was ashamed of that. I knew how much you loved him, how you were riveted to him. It must have felt like you were being torn in half."

He saw that Annerieke nodded, and continued, "I knew I had to give you time, time to grieve, to process, and in the meantime wondered, if there would ever be a chance for me. And besides that, I missed Erik too, he was a great guy, like a brother to me. He helped me through the horrible things I was in. Did he ever tell you about that?"

"No, never, I only know that he helped you and that it was intense, but he didn't tell me what it was about. And I understood that too, it was something between the both of you, I didn't want to intrude. I can imagine that because of that, precisely because of the misery, you have developed a very strong bond. Erik felt the same way, he told me. And he has always spoken about you in a very positive and loving way. He saw you, he saw who you were deep down. He also called you a great guy, a guy who was broken and therefore had taken a path that had hurt him even more, had destroyed him even more. Because of that, I understood that he spent quite a lot of time with you. It wasn't hard for me to accept that, because I knew you needed it and because Erik spoke so well of you. So... it was good the way it was." Annerieke smiled, "Brothers... yes, I have experienced that too, that you were like brothers to each other. Special huh?"

"Yes, certainly, that was very special. But also very double, because the woman I longed for, there he was 'in the way'." Simon made a gesture of quotation marks with his fingers at the last words. "And now... now, at most, it could be that I am telling you about my desire for you too soon, because of your process of mourning and healing. And yet, still, even before Huib called about that rebuilding, I had the feeling that something was coming, that it wouldn't be long before I could tell you about my desire for you. And when Huib called, I experienced that as a confirmation. Pfff," Simon blew out all his tension, "am I right Annerieke, is this the right moment? I still love you, desire you more than ever before. But you, can you do anything with that?"

Annerieke looked at him very silently for a moment, and smiled as she remembered Huib's words. She told Simon what Huib had come up with only recently. Not even a week ago... She told how she had felt it coming straight from his soul, like an urgent message from Erik, like a desire for her to remain happy, even possibly in a new relationship.

"And yesterday, then Elly asked about it, whether I wasn't lonely. You were there, weren't you?" When Simon nodded, she continued, "So you've heard that I'm happy, happy in myself. That I'm not lonely, but sometimes the thought of a new relationship comes along, and that I would wait it out. To be honest, since you stopped by my place that night, it did pass through my mind, but I still pushed it away. But after tonight I can't and won't push it away anymore, Simon. I felt during our first dance, that a fire started burning inside me, much stronger than just falling in love. I recognized it, this was what I had experienced with Erik, all through our relationship. It flared up, calmed down, flared up again, it was there so many times, so beautiful..."

She smiled at the memory, but quickly came back to Simon, "And tonight the same thing happened when you danced with me, I felt it come up and it got stronger and stronger. Simon, I was on fire! Didn't you burn yourself on me?"

They both shot up in laughter. "I was happy about it, but it also felt double. I had struggles in my mind, all those voices struggling with it. This couldn't be, this was too soon, only Erik, never another, and so on. It all came along, but I felt, that they were voices of wounding, voices that still suffered a little from missing Erik. But they were deeply powerless, the fire for you, in my soul, was much stronger than those voices. I want nothing more than to surrender to that, to give myself to you. You are my second happiness, Simon!"

Simon looked at her beaming face with open mouth and big eyes of amazement, for a moment, then a deep sigh escaped his mouth and he himself began to shine.

"Are you serious, Annerieke? Do you know how happy you make me? I just can't believe it's true, that I really do get a chance with you. I'd love to hug you, but... no, wait a little longer," he warned as she reached for him. "Wait a little longer, I want you to know who I've been, I want you to know my dark period too, I just want to be honest with you."

Annerieke didn't let it stop her. She sat down next to him on the couch and put her hand on his knee. "All right, Simon, all right, tell me."

He put his hand on her hand for a moment, but withdrew it again, because the shame of the past was weighing too heavily on him at the moment.

"Anne, honey, I've been so lost. Even as an adolescent, I started drinking a little, more and more, was well drunk every now and then, but it didn't matter, as long as I could banish my negative feelings and that terrible pain with it. I was convinced I was a bad boy, and years later I was sure I was a bad man. I longed for love, but I was sure I could never love a woman, I was just too stupid for that, and too negative.

When I was in my early twenties, I thought I had found the solution. If I couldn't love a woman, if there was never a woman who could love me for being the way I was, then..."

Simon sighed deeply before he could continue. "I went to a prostitute. Once I thought, I wanted to experience it, then I would be comforted and be able to move on as a loner. Yes, really, that's what I thought, naive as I was. But that one got me under her spell, and I went back dozens of times, to her, to others, looking for the sweetest one, looking for love, but I didn't find it there. Just as I had become addicted to alcohol, so I had become addicted to sex.

It was at my deepest point that Erik called me to ask if I would help him build this house. He had heard that I was pretty all-around, architect and builder, and that I loved leading the whole process from start to finish. It clicked between us, and we made plans. During our first conversation, he sensed that I was troubled by something, but he didn't say anything about it. Later he told me that he had known he couldn't start talking about it yet, but that he had to trust me, even though I was walking around with a cesspool. Really, that was how he had known!

The moment he knew the time was right, I believe in the second week that we were building, he called me aside and asked me to tell him what was on my mind. Yes, nothing, of course, I was too embarrassed to tell. But he insisted, saying he already knew from our first conversation, knew I was walking around with a cesspool. I can still feel it, how I felt at that moment, how it briefly shot through me: it is now, make or break!

I didn't take any time to come to a decision, I just started telling him, about my depression, my negative feelings, my certainty of not being able to expect anything with regard to women and how I had sought my solution in drink and visits to prostitutes.

He helped me, not to get rid of both my addictions, but to clean up the underlying dregs. He actually barely talked about that. But he taught me to feel. I could really go to him anytime I felt those depressive thoughts were trying to kill me again. Until I was strong enough, to go through such a piece of process alone. Then I felt it coming, and sought a quiet place for a while. Then I would let my thoughts cackle through my head, all those thoughts that said nothing but ugly things about me. I remember, the first time I had done it without Erik's help, that I had gone through it myself, that I went to him afterwards to tell him. Then he said something to me, something that went much deeper than a compliment: "You see, you are a wonderful man, you are a strong, fiery warrior, deep inside. And now that the dregs of your pain and frustration are coming loose, that's going to show up more and more."

Annerieke, he said that, I remember it like yesterday. And so I went on, always with Erik around. He was on standby, so to speak, for when I needed him. And he became more and more my friend, my brother who wouldn't let me down. And then he also started inviting me here to the house. I had seen you together during the construction, noticed how strong your connection was, but had not experienced a longing for you then. However, when the house was finished, and Erik invited me, for a dinner was that, the four of us sat at the table, with Huib as a young boy."

Annerieke nodded, she remembered.

"That was the moment I began to feel more for you. No, I say that wrong, it wasn't like quietly falling in love. I felt a click, it was bang boom inside, right out of the blue. I didn't know what hit me. You were kind to me, fully accepted me as a friend, but you had Erik. So why the hell did I fall in love with you so fervently all at once?

For weeks I struggled again with a desire to go back to the prostitutes. I hadn't been there for a while, really. But that fire for you made me want to visit them again, because I knew my desire could not be fulfilled."

Annerieke interrupted him, "So you came again, but now with a different cause, to that kind of certainty that there would never be a woman for you, who would love you."

Simon nodded in surprise, "Yes, I didn't even realize it that way, but that's exactly it, as you put it, it was again that impossibility of ever getting a woman with whom I would have such a connection, such a bond of love as Erik and you had. That was also new to me by the way, such a deep connection I had never seen in any couple before. Now I do, Huib and Margreet have it too, and Sjaak and Lisa, and I think also several couples among the guests you have now."

Annerieke nodded, "All those couples who are here now have that, and also Martin and Elly, very special. Only, with all those couples, there is still a lot of wounding. They are all, partly because of that film last night, working on realizing how they have been stuck in convictions, trapped in beliefs and systems. And they're learning to consciously deal with their wounding, to go through that pain. Well, you know..." She smiled at the man, whom she had grown to love more and more during the conversation. "How did it go from there?"

"Once, once it went wrong, both with the drink and with a prostitute... and after that I scorned myself for days. And now that I'm talking about it with you... I'd better quit and avoid contact with you. It's just not possible Annerieke..."

Simon stood up, Annerieke followed his lead. "Why can't it be, Simon? Why do you want to avoid me?"

Simon lowered his eyes, unable to look at her. "I just can't, I'm not worthy of you. I'm ashamed Anne, I... I have such a burden of debt on my neck..."

He wanted to turn around to walk away, but Annerieke took a step towards him, grabbed him by his one arm and put her hand on his neck. "Simon, dear, your neck is clean, there is no more burden on it. What you feel, of guilt and shame, will disappear. It is no more than a feeling, the wounds that were hidden behind your escape routes have already healed to a great extent in that period you went through, alone and together with Erik. You are good, you are a great guy. I'm proud of you for going through so much shit. The real Simon has become visible, maybe not in full yet, but enough for my soul to be magnetically drawn to yours and set me on fire for you. Don't leave me, Simon, I would love to continue with you. I love you, I really do!"

She gently pulled him towards her and laid her head on his shoulder again and whispered, "I want to continue dancing with you, dancing through our lives together... Simon?"

Simon was tossed back and forth in his thoughts and feelings, feeling not worthy enough, but hearing the genuineness of her desire in her voice. After a brief but intense hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her and sighed, "Oh Anne, my Anne... do you mind if I call you Anne? If I call you my Anne?"

"Oh yes, it sounds so beautiful, so loving. You may call me Annerieke, but you may also call me Anne, your Anne. Just follow your heart. I am so happy with you!"

They remained in this embrace for minutes, while Simon stroked her hair and every now and then pressed her extra tightly against him.

After a while he became aware, how his body reacted to their contact. He felt his body begin to get excited. He abruptly let go of her and looked at her in despair: "Anne, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know what's right."

Annerieke looked at him questioningly, with a frown in her forehead, "What exactly do you mean Simon, what are you running into?"

Simon hesitated, finding it difficult to put words to his feelings, "Physically, sexually... I noticed in our embrace that my body was getting excited. Maybe very normal, but I only know that..."

Annerieke nodded and complemented him lovingly: "from your visits to the prostitutes... I can imagine that confuses you."

"Yes, I don't want to see you as a prostitute, to associate you with them, to compare you with them, not even yet in my mind! You are so good, so sweet. Those ladies back then were nice, nothing wrong with them, but I didn't love them and they didn't love me. With you it's completely different, I love you..."

"... and I love you. Darling, listen!" Annerieke grabbed his face between both her hands and looked at him with a fiery gaze, "You can't do anything about those thoughts, you can't prevent those thoughts from coming up, those thoughts with which you compare them to me. You can't put away your feelings of guilt and shame and I don't know what else. You're already so far into that process of healing that it won't work anymore. And it doesn't have to. When you compare me in your mind to one of those prostitutes, I don't feel hurt by that. I know you feel differently about me than you do about them. I know that your wounds has not yet fully healed, and that guilt and shame and also those thoughts of comparison are the result of that. It's okay, Simon, really, it will naturally lessen, and disappear. And I'm fine with you sharing those moments of struggle with me. You may go through them alone, but I also want to go through them with you. Follow your heart in that too, but please don't push me aside for it. Really, that's not necessary. In fact, I tend to forbid it to you. Please don't throw our happiness in the garbage can!"

"You really mean it huh? Unbelievable..." Simon stared at her in bewilderment. "Unbelievable that you can be so into it! Anne, honey, you're the best that ever happened to me!"

Annerieke laughed happily, "So let's make the most of it!"

Simon laughed with her, but then became serious again: "Would you also like to help me with... with... with physical contact, with sexuality?"

"Yes, I'd like that, but I assure you I know nothing about it. You may think that I have enough experience with Erik, and that's true, but you are not Erik, and Erik is not you... so we will both have to start from scratch, loving and physically exploring each other from the depths of our souls. In that too, we will have to listen to our inner selves, what we do, what we don't do, to find out what is good for the other, and for us together. And I think we may tell each other what touches and such do to us. We know each other soul to soul, and yet we have yet to discover each other in so many things."

"It's one big mystery to me, and yet I feel you're right. Let’s go for it, darling!"

Annerieke plunged into his arms and pressed herself rigidly against him as if to indicate that she never wanted to let go of him, that she wanted to be one with him, in everything, all the days of their continued life!

To chapter 140. Natural creativity

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