While Margreet was outside working on the windows, Annerieke shared with Samuel and Rebecca some things about her grieving process. They understood what she said, found it was extraordinary that she had dared to go straight through her feelings of that first period.

They themselves had understood from the funeral home employee that there were stages, phases of denial, from deep pain to depression and much more. They had found his story pretty miserable even then, couldn't handle it. And now that they had heard how Annerieke had gone right through it, Samuel suddenly realized that he had never wanted to go through it. He wanted to stay in that so-called phase of denial. He did not want to deal with this situation at all, he wanted it to be reversed. Mentally, he knew that was impossible, but his gut consistently resisted it.

"We only had one child, and she is dead now! And so is the man she loved. Annerieke, I just don't want that, it's just not possible! And in that feeling I'm actually stuck, until now I really didn't want to get out of there. I've been resisting all these weeks, knew it was all true, but flat out denied it. You don't want to know, what an annoying guy I've been because of that... I'm so sorry Rebecca, I've made your pain worse rather than helping you."

Rebecca nodded, she recognized what he was saying, but she smiled at him, "I would like to choose to start processing consciously, to start feeling what it is doing to me. Are you comfortable with doing that too, alone, and together?"

Samuel couldn't stop himself from sighing very deeply, up to three times. "I don't want to, but I can't go on like this either, I'd drive myself into the depths, and maybe drag you with me. So yes, please help me to go right through it."

Rebecca laid her head on his shoulder. "At least we'll start together, and then we'll see..."

Annerieke pulled a packet of paper tissues from the drawer of the coffee table and placed it on the table. "I'm going to withdraw for a while, I have some things to do upstairs. Make a start, be quiet for a while or just name what you find difficult. And then take the time together to feel. And if pain comes up, try to accept that it is there. Do not try to push it away any longer, but go through it. You want to scream, go ahead, it doesn't bother me. Just do what you need to do! And if you want me back in, will you come and get me?"

Rebecca nodded, Samuel sat back and sighed deeply again. He was so afraid of what was coming. While Annerieke went upstairs, and sat on her bed with the book in which she had been reading for a while last night, Rebecca and Samuel sat against each other, holding hands.

For a while they remained silent, not really knowing how to begin either. After one of his long, deep sighs, Samuel suddenly whispered, "Our sweet girl..." and began to cry, to cry loudly. His body shook, his hands released his wife's hands and balled into angry fists. His crying grew louder, became a roaring scream in which he poured out his raw pain. Rebecca continued to sit silently against him. She said nothing, but she too had tears streaming down her cheeks. They both let it go, didn't even notice that their hands and clothes were getting wet. They didn't mind the tissues Annerieke had laid out for them.

"Our little girl, our sweet baby," Samuel said, as his shock subsided. "Do you remember when she was born? What a day huh? And now... now she's dead..." He was still crying, but silently.

As the crying lessened, Rebecca suddenly saw the tissues, handed one to Samuel, and took one herself. They wiped their tears and sniffed their noses noisily.

They looked at each other. Samuel chuckled shyly, "We're not getting any prettier with those red eyes..."

Rebecca shot a little laugh, "No, not prettier for the moment, but it felt good."

Samuel nodded, "It was bar intense, but yeah, I had been bottling everything up and pushing it away so much. I feel better already, now that the lid is off the cesspool. But how to proceed, what do you think?"

"I don't think we can make a specific plan for it. We can't, like Annerieke, grab stuff from Jolanda and Hans this week and then feel it. But we can, when our thoughts go to them, recall memories, or share our feelings of that moment. If we think about what Jolanda was like, as a child or together with Hans... I think the most important thing is that we consciously deal with it, consciously learn to feel. And how we do that... walking, looking at photos on our mobile phones. Yes, we do have them here, photos. In any case, we should go out and buy a carton of tissues, we'll probably need them badly!"

Samuel laughed, "Let's do that in a minute, and then have some lunch somewhere in the village, shall we?"

"Nice idea dear, hey, it feels like a wall has gone down between us too. Wonderful, I can see you again!" Rebecca gave him a kiss. "Shall I go and see Annerieke? Oh, there I hear her already on the stairs..."

Annerieke did indeed come downstairs, "I hope I'm not coming too early, but I have to go back to the guesthouse in a minute."

"No, not at all," Samuel replied, "Rebecca was just about to go to you and tell you that we were finished for the moment. The dams have broken through, and, as Rebecca just put it to me, the wall between us has dropped, we can see each other again. We have decided to consciously move forward with this, really nice that we can use this week for this. By the way, we heard that your son is organizing two movie nights. That's a nice distraction for us too, otherwise we are only busy with our grief, we might get stuck in the grief-minor."

Annerieke smiled and nodded, confirming that it was indeed good to do something else in between. "Otherwise it becomes too much for you. When are those movie nights then? I did know that Renate and Theo were going to ask Huib about it, but I haven't heard anything else about it."

"Tuesday night and Thursday night, at Huib and Margreet's house. I can't remember the names of the movies, but they both have to do with the prison we're psychologically trapped in. The first one seems to be serious and comical, the second exciting."

"Sounds good," Annerieke said, "I'm going to make time for that too! Do you think all the guests will come?"

"Yes, those three young couples had planned to see that movie here, and so they arranged that with Huib. Then they came to us, while we were still talking to Cees and Sita. They thought it was a nice plan too, so I think all the guests are going."

"Great, I'll check with Huib in a minute to see if any more tame sheep will fit in their pen..." Annerieke laughed.

Together they walked outside, towards the guesthouse. Rebecca and Samuel decided to walk to the village, to walk themselves loose after all the emotions!

To chapter 119. Lunch

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