"What are your plans for this afternoon?" Huib asked Margreet.

"Well, actually I should have taken off the laundry from this morning. I saw that the bedding was also already hanging out to blow, I guess Annerieke took care of that. But I want to go through that box of my kids' stuff first. I want to go through my childhood in Annerieke's way, to heal from it more deeply."

 "Brave woman! If it gets too much for you, and you need me, will you come to the barn?"

"Yes, I will. How's the dresser coming along?"

"Good, I've sawed all the boards to size, and I’m now going to put them together. That basic work is the least fun for me, but I'll make it fun by thinking of you and our little girl." He grabbed her head and gave her a loving kiss, which she answered eagerly.

.

Margreet set the box on the dining table, searched among all the items for a moment and found her first photo book. She sat down in her rocking chair with it and decided to just look the pictures.

She looked at the crib in which she had been lying, saw how her parents held her in their arms. At first glance it seemed so normal, so loving. But when she looked at their faces, they seemed like strangers to her.

She saw herself as a toddler, as a preschooler. Memories of kindergarten surfaced, how she had been anxious and insecure even then, afraid that she wouldn't do her works well enough, longing to be able to climb on those climbing frames outside too, and then being on top of them afraid of falling off or not knowing how to proceed. She remembered how, at a slightly later age, she had longed to be able to clamber on all kinds of racks and swing on other equipment in playgrounds, just like "all" the other kids, but that she had always felt stiff in it. Fear, always that fear.

Margreet stared ahead, picturing herself in large playgrounds on school trips. She had always been alone. Despite the fact that she had always been able to enjoy herself alone, in an environment with other children and adults she had felt lonely, because she could not really connect with anyone. All those children around her, she didn't feel like she belonged. It seemed as if she was crazy, from another planet, or at least so different that the other children wanted nothing with her, nothing, except bullying.

She felt how the insecurity and fear of that time swelled in her stomach into a big ball of emotion. She felt now what she had felt then, and consciously allowed that feeling, however nasty she found it, until it subsided....

So she went on, from picture to picture. It was intense, but she felt it was doable. When her alarm clock told her that it was time to go to the guest house, she laid the photo book open on the table so she could just continue later. She walked past the barn to give Huib a quick heads up that she was going to pick up the laundry and help Annerieke in the kitchen.

"How did you do with your kids' stuff?" he immediately asked.

As she stroked the beginning of the dresser with her hand, she explained that she had begun work on her first photo book. "It was quite intense to feel how I felt in the schoolyard and on playgrounds. And some other things, about my clothes, a dress I loved so much, but which my mother had suddenly thrown away. Every time I felt the feelings from back then come up, I took a break to consciously feel it. That wasn't easy, but so far I've gotten through it well. Mommy has been a good example for me!" Margreet smiled happily. "I feel like things have been taken away from me, all kinds of burdens or something. I feel lighter."

"Then you've really gone through it. There will be more to come, but eventually you will feel that relief every time and the real Margreet will become more and more visible. Superwoman of mine!"

Margreet smiled at him. "It's going to be beautiful Huib, the dresser, beautiful wood too, so light and flaming. I love it! Hey, if you want to see my pictures, feel free to look, the photo book is on the coffee table. I'm going to work now, darling, see you later at dinner!"

Margreet gave him a firm kiss and hopped like a young girl to the guesthouse. Huib looked after her with a smile. He was actually curious about her pictures and decided to take some time for that right away. He found the book and flipped through it. Wherever he looked, he saw what he had seen in the first few days: uncertainty, fear, and pain. He hated that she had had such a bad childhood, that the people around her hadn't really seen her. That loneliness... On the other hand, he was glad that she was so brave to go straight through her pain.

He thought of their little daughter, still so tiny... how could they help her through her childhood? He was grateful that Margreet still had months to go through her healing. That would help her for sure to feel how she was allowed to be a mother, to know from the inside what their little girl needed. He himself had a good example, though he realized that every situation would be different, that their little daughter would not be a mini-Huib. She would be who she was! But at least he had a good foundation. Margreet had not gotten that foundation, but she learned quickly, and healed quickly when she went through this so deliberately.

Together they would go for it! With that decision in mind, he went back to the barn with a grateful feeling. Their little one would have a beautiful dresser! Not that she would be aware of it herself, but at least Margreet and he would enjoy it.

To chapter 110. Construction plans

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