It was just a small thing, Margreet thought, hanging up the laundry every morning, but she enjoyed it. And she enjoyed it even more when she had finished it and took the time to look out into the countryside from the veranda. She sniffed the fresh morning air, smelled the change in the air when it rained, photographed with her eyes the rays of light from the sun shining through the trees, to keep them in her memory. She enjoyed the birds that flew from bush to bush, chattering happily to each other. She welcomed insects she sometimes encountered on the veranda, tried to get them to step on her finger, and if she succeeded, admired them close by. She noticed the little things, how the colors changed everywhere as it got lighter, how different the scents were that the wind blew past her nose, how the air regularly felt different. It occurred to her that it would be lovely to sit here knitting in the afternoon. But November was definitely not the month to do that, still far too cold!

.

One afternoon she took her knitting downstairs to sit knitting in the guest room for a change. There were no guests at that moment. She was alone, in peace, saw in the corner of her eye the cheerful flames in the fireplace. She saw the woodwork around it and thought of the bookcase that Huib had decorated so beautifully. Would he also be able to make such a decorative edge around that fireplace? Or a special shelf above it where you could put some nice objects.

Unnoticed her thoughts went back to Huib. She hadn’t seen him that much the last few days. Apparently he had no repairs to do at the guest house. Nor did she think he would shut himself up in his office all day. Hadn't he told her with relief that the administration was back up to date the other day? Then he wouldn't stay in that loft either, would he?

She wondered what he would be doing then. She really had no idea! It felt to her like he was closing himself off from her. His unexpected declarations of love and spontaneous marriage proposal... had they actually been real? If his feelings for her were real as he had said, why would he avoid her now?

It made Margreet feel restless. She didn't realize that she was avoiding him herself too, that she was also behaving differently than before. All she knew was that she longed for Huib, but was afraid of the solidity of a relationship, and certainly of a marriage. A marriage was just a stupid formality that said nothing at all about how a friendship, a relationship, worked. In a fit of insanity people promised each other eternal fidelity and love, but in daily life there was nothing of it, they lived next to each other and did not know each other at all. She only had to think of her parents to know what such a situation was like.

She considered whether it could be different with Huib and her. Somehow she felt that her own desire for him, and especially that special click she had with him, were real. If his were as real, would their marriage, if they ever got married, be different? Wouldn't the drudgery of everyday life consume their love and turn their relationship into one of those businesslike, grumpy co-existence she knew from her parents' practice?

She longed for realness, real love, real respect, true confidence. But could she demand that from Huib, when she herself was hardly capable of giving such a thing? Precisely because she herself had never received it, and had been given mostly the opposite, she felt unable to give herself to him, really give.

She was disturbed in her thoughts by footsteps coming closer. Joke came in, walked directly to the cosy coffee corner and poured herself a mug of coffee. Only when she turned to sit down somewhere she discovered that she wasn’t alone.

"Hey Margreet, you here too? Nice and quiet huh?"

"Ha Joke, yes, it's nice to sit here for a while. Have you finished your book for today?" Margreet greeted the woman she had gradually come to regard as a kind of friend. She had always thought that girlfriends had to be peers, but both Joke and Annerieke didn't seem to care about age differences.

"I don't know if I'm really done for today. I actually want to move on, but it stagnated for a while. So I thought I'd see if I could scrounge up another mug of coffee here. And staring into the flames, that sometimes helps, then I relax and the ideas sometimes bubble up spontaneously. And you, knitting your vest? This will definitely be a front?"

"Yes, that's right, the back part is done, so is the left front, and now I'm working on the right one. I can just follow the pattern of the left front. I don't have anything to do with mirror image or anything, thanks to this stitch, pretty convenient, don't you think?"

"Definitely," laughed Joke, "and in between staring into the flames and letting your mind go in all directions. By the way, can you do that, knit blind so you can stare into the flames?"

"No, not with this stitch, unfortunately. With the stockinette stitch I can, for then you have to knit the same stitch the whole row. With this seed stitch, I have to change every stitch from straight to purl and back again. So I need to watch what I'm doing. I do look at the flames regularly in between, but staring is a bit too linky for this knitting. My thoughts are not bothered by that, they go on. I'm like a schizophrenic, with thousands of thoughts running through my mind!" She laughed at her own words, but then became serious: "I do laugh about it, but actually it's nothing to laugh about. I find it terribly troublesome, all these thoughts. It's like a whole group of people snickering in my head! I would like to ask them if I could keep my head to myself. That would bring a lot more peace."

Joke laughed so hard. "I'm not laughing at you, I know the phenomenon far too well myself. But I have to laugh at the way you describe something that's so awful in such a  comical way! How do you manage that!" she exclaimed.

"I’ve no idea," chuckled Margreet, "it just happened, spontaneously, and I blurted it out before I even thought about it. Apparently that's not always wrong!"

"Oh boy, did you learn that too, that you should always think before you say something?"

"Yes of course, at least then you know you're always saying the right thing. But the crazy thing is that the people who forced on me such a thing as the truth, were themselves saying the most miserable things to me."

"Your parents?"

Margreet nodded. "Especially my mother, my father was more the silent affirmer."

"So a very different couple from Annerieke and Erik... I experienced them together, because we've been coming here for years, a few times every year. They became friends of ours. They were a great couple for each other, and the best parents you could wish for Huib. Anton and I unfortunately never had children, but I was able to enjoy how Huib was raised. Actually he was not 'raised' at all, he and his parents just lived together, it was so beautiful, so natural. It was really amazing to see Huib grow up like that, develop into who he is now, mature in years, in his soul a delightful child, as free as a child! That guy is a few best steps ahead of most of his peers. His father... Erik... I miss him, he helped me quite a bit too... through difficult things. You know what it is about these people? They complement us so perfectly, they make us more complete, because they really live, from the inside out. Do you understand what I mean?"

"No, I don't get it, not with my mind, how you talk about it still feels to me like something new, like unexplored territory, but... yes, I do recognize it, I actually felt that way immediately. I couldn't put it into words, didn't understand what I was feeling, but I discovered that a little bit after a few days, through conversations with them, and with Emma and you. The difference between being lived by the people and beliefs around you, getting completely stuck in yourself, or being able to live from your inner self, your soul. The latter, if that's getting better and better... that's what I see with you, and what feels like real living. Sometimes I recognize a little bit of it in myself, but I long for so much more! By the way, do you know that when I was here for a few days, my parents sent me an email? As always they were full of reproaches and condemnations, negative from beginning to end, and that felt to me, as if I was falling back into that dark pit from which I just started to crawl up. Huib was with me, he helped me to mail back briefly, to break contact with them. And then we blocked their email address and their phone number. I found it very scary, you may not be able to imagine that, but I was just so afraid of them! But on the other hand, I was also relieved, it felt liberating! If I get a permanent contract after my trial month here, I should actually go back to their house one more time, to pick up the rest of my stuff, but I'm even considering if I shouldn't just leave my stuff there, so I don't have to see them anymore. On the other hand... there are some very personal things among it. If I don't go get them, they're going to be sniffing around in them, and I don't want that either."

Margreet sighed deeply, half forgetting that Joke was still there.

Joke had heard from Anton that Huib was going to tell Margreet tomorrow that her parents would come next week. She wondered if Margreet would be able to handle that. Of course, as Anton had suggested, they would be around to support her, but they couldn't walk or sit beside her all the time, be around her like protectors.

"Breaking off that contact has been a big step Margreet, an important step. You may break free from the people who are trapping you, keeping you small. But I also understand that you still want to pick up that stuff. Do you have any idea how you will experience seeing your parents again? Can you feel that?"

Margreet thought for a moment, trying to feel it in herself... "I think I will find it exciting, in a scary way, but I will already be able better to tell them what I think or want. When I go into my room there to get my things together, I don't want them there, and I will say that if I have to. I think ... that will work, but it won't be easy. But hey, it's just a few more weeks, I might be a lot stronger by then. It amazes me how different I already feel compared to the day I arrived. I really felt like the odd one out when I got here! The people here were so different from what I was used to! But on the other hand also so wonderfully relaxed and friendly. It really felt like a warm bath..." she said dreamily.

Joke put her hand on Margreet’s arm and smiled at her. "You have felt really welcome from the beginning, and you are. I think it's beautiful to see how you've come so far upright in such a short time, a week and a half. The flower bud is starting to stretch out towards the sun! And I now know how to proceed with my book. Through our little conversation, a hatch suddenly opened and I saw it: Eureka!"

Margreet laughed, "I don't understand how that's possible, since I only distracted you with my story, I would think, but I love that you can move on again. Make something beautiful out of it! By the way, have you written any more books?"

Joke shook her head. "No, this is the first one, quite exciting on the one hand, but on the other hand I can't help but notice that the story just bubbles up from within. And sometimes it stagnates for a moment, always just a moment, and then more comes up. Maybe I needed a little talk with you for a moment to be able to move on again now. So... thanks for your sincerity! It feels good to me too!"

Joke winked at her and gently squeezed her arm. "I'm going to move on, have fun with your knitting! Bye bye lovely lady, see you tonight..."

.

That evening there would be another dance night. Huib had already got all kinds of ideas for music he was going to play. There was one song he wanted to play for Margreet, especially for her. And he hoped that during that song, which he would put on repeat, she would want to dance with him. He was already looking forward to that moment. In his house he had gathered all he needed. He would ask Anton if he wanted to take over the lead during that one special song. Huib chuckled: if Anton knew what it was for, he would love to do it! Huib knew only too well that Anton was right behind him in his desire to win Margreet and to help her.

He had avoided her for the last few days, to calm down, to put his feelings to rest, to get his thoughts in order. The conversation with Anton had done him good. His feelings had not calmed down, only grown stronger, but he now knew what he had to do: to be Huib, to be who he is, and for Margreet to do as much as possible, preferably everything, that would be good to her!

He put his list and the CD's he needed for tonight in a bag and went to the guesthouse to check the audio equipment and leave his things there. He was looking forward to it!

To chapter 34. All kinds of preparations for the dance evening

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