Like Ellen, Fiona had hardly slept a wink that same night. And the one hour she had slept, she had woken up from a dream, a dream in which she pushed Alex away, pushed him away until he fell off a cliff. And in that moment, she had realised in that dream, that she had pushed her soulmate away from her. Sobbing, she had woken up.

It had taken her considerable effort to realise where she was and what was going on. Alexander, Alex in short... The connection she had felt with him even from a distance had been so extreme that she realised she could not avoid it. He was supposed to be her husband, her partner, her lover! But he was Ellen's partner...

She made a short and sweet decision and whispered to herself, "I have to have breakfast as early as possible and get out of here! Walk, I don't care where, but I have to get out of here, I want to experience as little risk of new lightning as possible! It can't become anything anyway!"

Fiona was already sitting in the dining room before Annerieke had started preparing breakfast there. She was busy in the kitchen, but was used to bringing everything into the room one after the other. Annerieke looked over what was on the dining table in the kitchen, nodded, the meal was complete! Humming, she carried the first tray into the dining room. She didn't realise at first that someone was already sitting there. It was only when she wanted to walk back to the kitchen that she discovered Fiona, smiling bravely at her.

"Good morning!"

Annerieke immediately sensed that something was wrong and walked towards her, "Good morning Fiona, what an early bird you are. Did you sleep well?"

"No, unfortunately not, I often suffer from that during a first night somewhere else," Fiona replied. "Just getting used to it. I will go for a walk later, then I'm sure I'll be tired enough to roar the whole guesthouse together tonight."

"You are trying valiantly to pretend that everything is fine," smiled Annerieke. "Let me just tell you, I am not only your hostess, but I am also a very good listener. If you want to vent your heart... you can find me either in the kitchen or in my house. And you have my phone number, feel free to use it! Agreed?"

Fiona nodded and whispered, "Thank you."

Annerieke put her hand Fiona's shoulder for a moment: "I have to go on again, getting breakfast ready. If you want to start eating already, feel free to do so. And prepare a packet for your lunch, if you want, I'll make sure there's plenty!"

Fiona smiled, stood up and grabbed a plate, cutlery and a bread bag. She took two sandwiches for the afternoon, added some toppings and went to prepare them at her table. She put them in her bag and went again to the buffet, which Annerieke had now replenished further. She saw that Annerieke had cooked eggs, took one of them besides some sandwiches. She ate faster than she was used to from herself, as she was eager to be gone before the others came downstairs. And she succeeded; she was out the door before the other guests entered the dining room.

.

Alexander found it difficult that Fiona did not appear at breakfast. Yesterday, he had already noticed that she shunned him. She had felt the flash, he was sure of that. He wondered how she had experienced it.

Since Ellen had said she would walk towards the north, Alexander decided to walk in the other direction. He had no idea where Fiona could be, maybe even in her room. But in any case, he himself felt the need to be alone too. What had happened yesterday was profound. He wanted to think about it during a quiet walk whether he should do something with it, wanted to do something with it, and if so, how to proceed with Ellen. Would he really have to make a choice between Ellen or Fiona? Wouldn't that be adolescent behaviour, just running after a feeling? As adolescents would say, chasing your boner.

Alex chuckled, walking down the quiet country road. Fortunately, he was not bothered by such adolescent behaviour. However, he did notice that he wanted to know what was going on. Whether it had been just a feeling, or say a real feeling, a deep feeling. Had it been make-believe, or had he really felt a deep connection?

He rubbed his neck with his hand, a habit he had had for as long as he could remember, at times when he doubted himself or his situation, or was at odds with himself.

He had been walking for almost an hour, wishing he had brought some drinks with him. At that moment he stopped, saw Fiona sitting in the grass a little way off the country road. What the hell was she doing? She was pounding on something with her fists, and if he listened closely, he could hear her crying, hear her screaming.

Alexander noticed that his curiosity was more than that. He felt a desire to go to her and pull her into his arms, cradle her, comfort her for as long as necessary until she calmed down completely. As he walked slowly towards her, he realised he could not just do that. She knew he was married, what was she supposed to think of him?

He saw that there was a piece of plastic in front of her, with a good chunk of grey clay on it. Again, she raised her fist and banged on the clay with it... Alex felt the pain, no, not from her fist, but from her insides, a wound he didn't know but felt. But the closer he got to her, the more he felt, she had built a wall around herself, a strong wall into which she would not let anyone in. He decided to lower himself down and sit in the grass a little way diagonally behind her, continuing to watch her.

The longing for her intensified, the desire to comfort her, just like a few minutes ago, but much stronger now. How could he ever get to her? How could he reach her, reach her heart? He put his head in his hands to think.

How it came about, neither of them knew, but at that moment Fiona looked back, for a moment too stunned to say anything, but then burned loose in a huge tirade of scolding from which Alexander understood, that she was calling him a stalker, a spy, a sneak and many more of that sort. He said nothing, slowly raised his head and looked at her. He looked straight at her, with a thought wrinkle, or a wrinkle of concern for her, still on his forehead.

Fiona dropped forward beside the plastic with the piece of clay in the grass and started crying desperately. Alex felt like his heart was breaking. He crawled through the grass towards her, whispered her name and gently put his hand on her hair, stroking her head, her back. The crying turned into a soft sobbing, with her body still shaking a little.

When she got up, she looked at him with a tear-stained face and red eyes and whispered desperately, "It can't be... I can't..."

Alex also spoke softly when he asked her, "What can't be? What can't you do?"

She pointed at him, and at herself: "You and I, it can't..."

"What are you trying to tell me, Fiona, explain it to me!"

Fiona looked at him in surprise: "Didn't you feel it then, yesterday at the estate? That huge shock, as if we were struck by lightning? It wasn't lightning, it was calm weather, but there was one fierce lightning between you and me. Then what was that?"

Alex sat back easily and took her hand.

"Fiona, it's all incredibly confusing, for you, for me, and also for Ellen. Ellen felt it too, and went for a walk this morning, in the other direction, heading north. You were nowhere to be seen. And myself? I have hardly been able to sleep, have only been able to think of you, because I have felt who you are for me. That flash, that lightning, was from soul to soul. I know it from the stories of Sjaak and Lisa, of Huib and Margreet. Lisa had experienced it as if Sjaak and she were pulled towards each other with some heavy magnets, unable to separate. To be honest, I have always thought that Ellen and I really belonged together, but in the past year we have both gone through processes, separate from each other, and nothing seems to be left of our marriage. It seems, as if all the wounding that was there before had hidden our souls, and now that wounding is at least partly gone, and our souls are becoming more visible... and those two souls don't seem to fit together. Do you know what I find extraordinary, Fiona, what I'm just sitting here telling you about Ellen and me, that's coming up on the spot now. I've never thought of this before or heard it from anyone. But I feel it is true. Ellen and I have no soul connection..."

Alex bowed his head, thinking ... how to move on?

He felt Fiona turn her hand in his hand and grab him tightly.

"But Alexander, you can't just toss her aside, can you? Especially not since you don't even know me. We met for the first time yesterday!"

"Yeah, crazy huh, and yet I feel like I've known you for ages. I don't know anything about you except that bit you told yourself yesterday, and yet... By the way, why were you so furious with that clay?"

"That clay?" Fiona chuckled, pulling her hand free and grabbing the lump of clay. "I'm glad that stuff has no feeling, although sometimes it does feel that way, like my feeling merges with the clay's feeling. Sorry, that must sound really crazy." Timidly, she looked at Alex.

He smiled, "Yes, it sounds very crazy, but I feel what you mean. I feel what you feel when you rub that clay with your fingers like that. Just like I felt your pain a moment ago, when you were doing so furiously. You told me yesterday that you ran into a hill, that you couldn't get over it, and later that you felt like you were in a knot. Can you tell me what you meant by that?"

"No, because I don't know what it is myself. I only know that I feel trapped. As a child, I always shut myself off from my parents' arguments. It was so awful, so much hatred and envy and yet they are still together. At least I think so, I don't want contact with them anymore, nor with my brother, who participated just as much. I was so scared, I shut myself off with a book. Reading was my escape route. I was married to Daniel for ten years. In hindsight, there was no real connection there either. We both tried very hard not to fight, his parents were like mine, fought each other out of the house too. So we didn't want that, and now, a year later, I think I was always tiptoeing around him, trying hard to never get angry with him. When Ellen gets angry with you, how do you react?"

Alexander shot into laughter: "Do you want to prepare in advance?" He stuck his tongue out teasingly at her. "Ellen never got angry, not at me. She learned that as a child, to hold back. She only recently found out that she was never allowed to stand up for herself, oh yes, she told that yesterday too. She has since become more ardent in her work, more passionate. But not at home, at home she acts like everything is great, while we are both struggling to reach out to each other. But there is just no 'we', there is no real connection. I still like her, and the fact that we don't really get along hurts me for her too. Anyway, to get back to your question, yesterday in the circle she was a bit angry with me for a moment, or more pained I think, and then I felt myself turning red. And I did my best to accommodate her, to show understanding. But I also felt how artificial it was. And I think now, if you get angry with me, I'll feel your pain again, the pain behind it, and therefore know that I don't have to respond angrily back. Girl, I long to help you break open from that sphere you trapped yourself in as a child. I understand that you did, it's such a logical reaction, but how hard it must be. Do you dare to let people get to your heart?"

Her reaction was obvious. However she longed for him, she shifted a little further away from him and looked at him scared.

"So no... I understand, but it does make me sad. No, no," he said, interrupting himself as he saw her move closer. "No, you don't have to go beyond your own limits, you don't have to try mightily hard. Fiona, I long for you. I want to comfort you, help you heal... and then after that, what comes next, we'll see. Anyway, I will have to talk to Ellen. Because even if you wanted to keep me as far away as possible, even then... I can't go on with Ellen, now that I know what real soul connection is. I can't make her happy, not really... And that saddens me for her, I don't want to hurt her, but I will have to..."

They remained silent for a while, while Fiona fiddled with the clay a bit.

"Fiona, I'm going back, I have to talk to Ellen. I'm dreading it, but I can't go on like this. What about you? Will you stay here or walk back with me?"

"I think I'll only make it harder for Ellen if I walk with you, don't you think?"

Alex nodded, "That might just be the case, and I don't think it would be pleasant for you either. Oh, I get a call... Ellen," he said with a wink.

"Hey Ellen, are you still walking?"

"No, I'm already back. I just had a quick chat with the others, Johan, Marieke and Marianne, and also with Annerieke. I've made a decision, Alex, I've packed my things, and I'm going home now. On Saturday, Johan and Marieke do want to take you home. And how we should do that from Saturday, when you come home, I don't know yet, but I know one thing for sure, which is that we don't really fit together and I want to leave you free to move on without me. Your heart is not with me, Alex, and vice versa mine is not with you. Don't feel guilty, it's just a fact that I'm discovering now, and I'd rather discover it now than at the end of my life. I'm going to try to work everything out with myself at home, I need that time for a while."

"Are you sure, Ellen?" asked Alex bewildered.

"Yes, I'm very sure. I'll see you on Saturday and we'll talk further, okay?"

"Okay... stay strong, sweetheart."

"Don't say that, I'll be crying at the wheel later on. I'm going Alex, see you later!"

"Alright, see you later..."

Alex ended the call and put his mobile back in his pocket. He looked at Fiona: "I don't need to talk to Ellen any more this week, she has discovered for herself that we don't fit together and has decided to divorce. She has packed her things and is now heading home. And you know what bothers me so much? That it doesn't affect me at the deepest level, that it doesn't even really sadden me. We've had quite a few years together, she steps out, and it doesn't actually affect me. Is that even healthy?"

Fiona chuckled: "I had the same thing, when Daniel and I decided to divorce together. It didn't hit me, apparently we had missed everything without realising it. I was just relieved that I could move on alone."

"And now? Have you been alone long enough to allow this madman into your life?"

"You mean you want to move in together?" asked Fiona, shocked.

"Not necessarily, I mean more if you want to allow me into your heart, into your closeness. Keeping in touch..."

"I find it difficult, really very difficult. Because I'm still in my bubble, unable to give and unable to receive... and I also wonder if I've already processed my years with Daniel..."

"I think both of those, that bubble and Daniel are similar. The advantage of that situation is that you haven't had any misery with Daniel, just emptiness, which in itself should be misery enough, but because of your bubble you probably didn't have much trouble with it."

Fiona nodded: "That's right, I feel that's right. Well, that makes a difference then!"

She wrapped her clay in the plastic. "Shall I walk with you then anyway?"

"Feel free, I like it when you walk with me, but if you prefer to come a bit later... again, feel free!"

Fiona remained still, the wrapped clay in her hands, and looked at him: "It's so double, I long for you, but I'm terrified of moving on together! So this, what apparently is between us, this soul connection, I think is too precious to play with, to let go broken."

"I cannot imagine that a true soul connection can be broken. I will do everything to prevent such a thing! Even though I've only known you for a day, not even a day, I couldn't miss you more, this... Fiona?"

Alex opened his arms wide to invite her in. Fiona felt her heart skip a beat. She dropped the clay and her backpack from her hands and stepped into his arms, struggling with the strange combination of fear and desire. They wrapped their arms loosely around each other, keeping a small distance between their bodies and continuing to look at each other. Alex heard how her breathing went deep. He longed for more, would prefer to draw her against him and let her experience that it was good to be together. But he didn't want it to come to that, not yet. He stroked his fingertips over her cheeks, explored her face and smiled. "You are beautiful, do you know that?"

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